America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 3, Episode 7 - Squirreled Away - Full Episode | Forensic Files

NARRATOR: Tonight on "America's Dumbest Criminals," it's going to take more than acorns
to coax this squirrel out of the tree. An ATM that became an ATV when some bank robbers decided
to take their act on the road. And a man on the run who hopes that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
For a revealing look at the nation's most inept crooks, stay right where you are.
[theme music] NARRATOR: Now, welcome your hosts for "America's Dumbest Criminals," Daniel Butler and Debbie Allen.
-Oh, we're glad you're here for tonight's show. -You've got something-- -What's wrong?
-Oops! Got your nose. -Daniel! I can't believe I fell for that. -We have to do that.
That's a dummy check. -All right. You have such a playful, boyish attitude tonight.
Got a question for you. -Sure. What? -Did you ever play hide and seek when you were a kid?
-Oh, sure. All the time. All over the neighborhood. -What was the best place you ever hid?
-Oh. Uh-- my father's sock drawer. Yeah! -How many socks did your father have? -Well, I was smaller then, and it was a big chest of drawers.
You know, I got in there. I hid for two hours. They never found me. I had to come out.
You know. -OK. Tonight's show is about hiding, but hiding from police is a no-no.
And it's a running theme throughout several of our stories tonight. I think you'll see that, time after time, the bad guys
think they're eluding police, but really they're just eluding reality. -It's like the ostrich with the head in the sand.
DEBBIE: Yeah. -And our first story is an epic drama that has all of the elements of classic literature--
protagonist, antagonist, recurring themes, a clash of opposing views, and a bottle
of cheap booze in a tree. DEBBIE: That's your classic literature? -Yeah. Well, Shakespeare had that in there.
Get comfortable, OK, folks? Because this guy certainly is. [ambulance siren] -My partner and I received a call one night of somebody
singing and causing a disturbance in the park. We went to the park, and we were looking around, trying
to find out who was singing and making noise, when we heard the noise coming from a tree.
OFFICER 1: Are you drunk? CRIMINAL: I don't think so. OFFICER 1: You don't think so?
CRIMINAL: What do you think? OFFICER 1: I don't know. If you can climb down, you're probably not.
CRIMINAL: OK. OFFICER 1: Don't you want to come down? CRIMINAL: What are you thinking?
OFFICER 1: I don't know. You going to fall? CRIMINAL: I'm going to sleep right now.
OFFICER 1: You're going to sleep? CRIMINAL: Yeah. OFFICER 1: Goodnight. -I was real concerned about the guy being way up in the tree,
and I was going to try and talk him down. OFFICER 1: Why don't you come down here and sleep?
You're going to fall off the tree and break your neck. -I was going to take him home.
That's all I wanted to do. I wanted him to be safe. I wasn't even thinking about arresting him
for drunk in public or anything like that. [applause] -OK. -That officer was being so nice.
-I know, but this guy's up a tree here. But this story is far from over, OK? That was Act One.
And we guarantee, it ends with a bang-- or something like that. But for now, we'll go out on a limb with another story.
-Oh. This one could have ended with a bang as well when a man set out to blow a hole in a bank.
But, as you'll see, his plan bombed in a big way. We go to Orem, Utah, for this week's edition of Something
to Remember Me By. [theme music] -September 9, we were called to a bank on the south end of town.
Upon arrival, we met with the fire department, who was in the process of cleaning out
several flammable fluids from the night depository. We looked around. We found several pieces of paper that had been wadded up
and looked like they'd been placed inside the night depository as a wick, trying to ignite these fluids.
So we unrolled one of the wicks, as you might put it, and found a phone bill. You know, this phone bill had the name
and address and phone number of the suspect. Come to find out that someone had, it looked like,
tried to cover up a theft, a simple theft. We found one of the night depository bags
empty, while all the rest were still full of their money. We checked to see the local theatre that was actually
the one that was missing the money from the night depository, and found that this person was the night manager.
And while we were there, the night manager just happened to walk in. We asked him a couple of questions,
and immediately he broke down and said, yes, it was me. We showed him the bill from his phone company,
and he says, oh, you already knew it was me. It was a pretty funny thing. [laughter]
-Officer has a great laugh and a lot to laugh about. -And that dumb crook is now in the wickless protection
program, I believe. -Oh, I bet. -But meanwhile, back at the tree, our police officers are beginning
to lose their patience with Monkey Boy, while, surprisingly, our little tree sloth is somehow
managing to keep his balance. Now, let's go back to treeside for the next round in this battle of the wills.
-So, we had a little talk, and I was trying to be kind of lighthearted with him and try to talk him down,
put him at ease. Real funny character. I asked him if he wanted to come down and share his drink with me.
Noticed that he had a bottle of whiskey or some type of alcohol up in the tree. OFFICER 1: You give me a drink if I come up there?
Oh, that's all right. It's cool. OFFICER 2: Come on down. OFFICER 1: Come on down.
CRIMINAL: I don't think so. OFFICER 1: Where do you live? We'll take you home. Come on.
Where do you live? Donde vide? CRIMINAL: I don't have home. OFFICER 1: You don't have a home?
You live in a tree, huh? -He eventually guzzled the whole thing down. OFFICER 1: What'd you say?
CRIMINAL: I don't think so. OFFICER 1: No, no hable espanol. [gulping] OFFICER 2: Holy shoot.
It's gone. What is that? OFFICER 1: He drank it all. He's going to jail. [laughter]
NARRATOR: Hey, here's another dumb law. In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless a man either runs or walks
in front of it, waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
-That's a strange one. In Memphis, Tennessee. I wonder if Elvis did that for Priscilla.
OK, I admit it. When I'm driving, you need a red flag, but if my husband did that and tried that with me,
I might just run right over him. Accidentally, of course. Maybe I could tell the police that my gas pedal got stuck.
I think that's a better excuse than the one for speeding we're about to hear from a police officer in Bellaire, Texas.
-I was working on traffic in a smaller city than this. I stopped the guy for speeding.
As I approached the car and I got his license, I ran it and it showed that his license was suspended.
But he showed me an occupational license, where he can drive to and from work. It was 3 o'clock in the morning, and the occupational license
stated from 7:00 AM to 7:00 PM. And I asked him what type of work did he do? He told me that he worked for God.
I handed him back his license and told him that that's a 24-hour job, and I sent him on his way.
-And I hope that gentleman was telling the truth, or he'll get zapped by lightning.
What do you think, Daniel? -Well, yeah. I mean, hey. It was a pretty good excuse.
But didn't Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi try that in "Blues Brothers"? They were on a mission from God, and they
still ended up in prison. That was a real drag. Speaking of real drags-- ouch, need another segue-- here's
a tale of crooks that left quite a trail when they dragged an ATM off its foundation and down the road.
Apparently, they had a whole new concept for banking at home. Here's tonight's Blue Light Special.
NARRATOR: In the middle of the night, burglars tried to make a hefty withdrawal.
Not just cash-- they were after the whole cash machine. -This is a shame. I don't believe this.
I've never seen anything like this in my life before. NARRATOR: Their efforts were partially successful,
thanks to the heavy-duty help of this backloader and truck stolen from a nearby construction site.
-Guys just take anything. You know? I mean, unnecessary stuff, you know, to try to break into something.
NARRATOR: Police believed the crooks were towing the ATM across the curb when this heavy chain snapped
and the thieves split on the double. Their tug-of-war totaled the ATM, but the grand total of the crooks' take
was zero-- zip-- nada. Not only did the cash machine keep its cash, its surveillance camera captured pictures of the thieves.
Never try to outwit technology with a truck and a chain. You're the only one who will ultimately get run down.
-That's the truth. That was a bad idea. OK. Imagine a policeman who can travel faster than a speeding bullet.
Well, that's just what a drunk driver thought he'd encountered. Of course, his perception was a little bit altered
by the fact that he was under the influence of something more powerful than a locomotive.
Watch as this officer in Provo, Utah, does a super job of overtaking a DUI gone AWOL.
-Years ago, when I was working for the highway patrol, I was called to the interstate on a two-car accident.
When I arrived, I found the first occupant of the first vehicle unconscious, slumped over the steering wheel.
I found that he smelled like a brewery, and I didn't see any severe injuries on him,
so I checked out the second car. Second car had several injuries, and I assisted them.
And while I was in the process of doing some first aid on the second car, the first car,
containing the drunk driver, decided to start his car and drive away. Except he wasn't going anywhere, because I
found that the differential had been disconnected from the drive shaft. And it was just bouncing around underneath the car,
making a little bit of sparks. But unbeknownst to the drunk, he was still driving down the road.
And as I ran up beside him, I motioned for him to pull over. He saw that I was beside his car,
and he stepped down on the accelerator and tried to speed away. It only made a piece of metal underneath his car
clang around a lot louder. I decided that drunk wasn't even going to get away from me in his dream,
so I started jogging in place beside his door, motioning him to pull over. His white knuckles on his steering
wheel, and his speed all the way to the bottom, and he had that car wrapped up, as fast as it could go.
And I continued to jog for a second or two, motioning to pull over, and he was continually speeding away.
So I jogged out in front of him and motioned for him to stop. He tried to swerve around me even
though his car wasn't moving. So I jogged back beside him, opened up the door, grabbed hold of his neck by my left hand and his right hand
was in my right hand, and I pulled him to that 100-mile-an-hour pavement and he let out a bloodcurdling scream.
Proceeded to cuff him up, take him back to my stationary police car. [applause] -Still to come, a trio of stories about a crook who reeks
at hide and seek, but first with news that could even raise Sam Donaldson's eyebrows.
Here's Daniel, with ADC Headlines. -While waiting to attend a safe driving class in Knoxville,
a man smoked a joint in the parking lot. Just getting ready for class, dude, I guess.
He was tipped off by the telltale aroma. The police officer approached, which sent the pothead into a bout of reefer madness.
He wheeled out of his parking space, nearly mowing down the officer. Then he parked across the street and walked back
to attend his safe driving class. Instead of going to school, though, he was taken to task
and charged with aggravated assault with a vehicle. All right. Now, here's a story about the blind leading the blind drunk.
Two men were charged with various driving-related offenses in Buffalo, New York, stemming from their decision
to let the brother of one, who is legally blind, drive because the other two were too intoxicated.
Talk about your bad choice of designated drivers. But reportedly, the blind man had quote
"always wanted to drive." Oooh. You know, I think I followed this guy on the way
to the studio today. Finally, an accused drug dealer in Charles City, Virginia, helped in his own capture by his choice of footwear.
Trying to elude police, he ran into the night through thick woods, but he was wearing athletic shoes
containing small, battery-operated lights. So his feet blinked with each step he took, leading police directly to him.
It was sort of a Morse code for morons, you know? Well, that closes the file on ADC Headline News, ripped
from somewhere near the back of your local newspaper. Debbie? -They're good. Thank you, Daniel.
Now we come to the final chapter in the story of the crook who fancied himself as the long-lost member
of the Swiss Family Robinson. When we left our social climber, he was gaining attitude and altitude.
Now we'll find out if he-- or the tree- will be torn limb from limb to bring this tall tale to an end.
-As the fire department arrived, he decided to come down on his own instead of using
their assistance and actually climbed higher to the thin branches. OFFICER 2: --at the station.
We may need only a coroner if he falls out of there. We may not need paramedics.
CRIMINAL: I don't think so. OFFICER 2: That's going to break. [branches cracking]
OFFICER 2: Here he comes. He he comes. Oh, that's [bleep] up. Oh, man. He's not on a big branch, too.
OFFICER 1: Jeez. This is [bleep] up. OFFICER 2: He went the wrong way. He's going to fall.
He's coming down. You better come down feet first. CRIMINAL: I don't think so. OFFICER 2: Oh, man.
He's going to kill himself. [scream] -This guy was pretty dumb, drinking in a tree,
and he fell down about 50 feet and could have really gotten hurt, but he was lucky.
Didn't get seriously injured and was able to walk away from the hospital. [applause]
-Ow! That's going to leave a mark, huh? But remarkably, neither he nor the tree were seriously injured in the incident.
As a matter of fact, that man walked out of the hospital just a few hours later with just a few scratches--
and I imagine a badly bruised ego. Daniel? -Gee. Our next crook has plenty to commiserate
with in the badly beaten pride department. He is yet another hapless soul who finds himself
in the wrong place at the absolutely wrong time. He provides this week's fodder for I'm Where?
You're Who? -We got a call from dispatch that there was a bank robbery alarm from a bank that's located just
across the street from the police department. We see a guy running around the corner
and into our parking lot, and you could tell he was running pretty hard. He was sweating.
And as he ran, he ran directly towards my police car. And I got out of the car, and as I got out and pointed my gun
at him, he said, oh, it's not me. It's another guy. He went that way. And I said, no, he's right here.
And he turned and ran to go over a block wall, but he was so tired, as he tried to go over the block wall,
he couldn't get over. And I just pointed my gun at him and said, get down off there
or I'll shoot you right in the butt. When the FBI got here, we brought him into an interview
room, and we asked, did you know where you ran? And he says, no. I said, right into the police department.
And he says, well, I should have checked it out better. Then when we asked him why he had done the robbery,
he said it was because his ex-wife wanted more alimony. And he figured this is the way he could get it.
[applause] -OK. Some people do dumb things when they're bored. You know, we've traveled the nation to prove our point that
stupidity knows no limits, no state lines. We begin in Henderson, North Carolina.
-About a couple months ago, receive the call from 911 that an individual was trying to break into a lingerie shop.
Upon arrival, we found where the suspect had threw a large brick through the window and crawled through it.
He low-crawled to the back of the store, removed some panties and pantyhose and stuffed them in his pocket.
He was so low that he didn't activate the alarm. Owner finally came, arrived on the scene,
we set up a perimeter around the building. Myself and two other officers went inside the building,
conducting a search. We searched everywhere first. We didn't find him. Something didn't seem right, so we reentered the building
and conducted another search. And lo and behold, the subject-- he was hiding in the bathroom in some boxes
and amongst the clothing. We ordered him out and handcuffed him, asked him why he did it.
The subject said he was bored. He didn't have nothing else to do that night. [applause]
-You know, it's not unusual for police to return evidence to the victim after a trial is over,
but here's a request that was clearly dumbness in the first degree. -That's a good way to put it.
We think you'll agree that it definitely belongs in the Hall of Fame we call We're Not Making This Up.
-When I used to work in Los Angeles, one of the other officers found some marijuana
in a car full of teenagers, and they charged the teenagers with possession of the marijuana.
Well, for some technical reasons, the district attorney decided not to prosecute,
so the next day, the parents of one of the teenagers called up and said, we understand
you're not prosecuting. And the officer said, yes. He says, well, good. Can we have the marijuana back?
-Way to go, Mom and Dad, for setting the moral tone of that family. -Well, so now we know who it really belonged to, don't we?
-Exactly. -It was Mom and Dad's. And the moral of this story was, waste it not, want it not.
-No, that's not true. And neither is the expression "it never hurts to ask." -True, but it does hurt to say goodbye.
But don't cry-- we'll be back next week with another paddy wagon full of dumb criminal stories.
-And remember, if you've got a lead on a story or you just can't wait until next week for more state-of-the-art
stupidity, visit our website at www.dumbcrimes.com. -And we want to thank you for joining us
and extend our gratitude to the law enforcement officers who make this show possible.
Every day, they lay their lives on the line to keep us safe from the stupidity of would-be criminals.
-And, as always, we hope that we've all learned from others' mistakes. -But if you haven't, we just might see you next week
on "America's Dumbest Criminals." DEBBIE: Bye-bye.

In this episode of “America’s Dumbest Criminals,” we’ll witness some serious squirrel coaxing, an ATM that became an ATV when bank robbers went on the road and a man who hopes no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode features humorous stories of inept criminals, including a man in a tree and a failed bank robbery.

Key points

A Squirrel's Escape. A humorous take on coaxing a squirrel out of a tree.
ATM Heist Gone Wrong. Burglars attempt to steal an ATM but end up with nothing.
The Blind Driver. A blind man attempts to drive while intoxicated, leading to chaos.
A Criminal in a Tree. A man in a tree refuses to come down, leading to a tense standoff.
Marijuana Return Request. Parents ask for their child's seized marijuana back after charges are dropped.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

I don't think so.

The criminal's defiance while in the tree.

2:44WatchMar 3, 2022

Tension

40/ 100Low tension

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