America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 2, Episode 3 - Keyless Klutz - Full Episode | Forensic Files

-Greetings, law-abiding viewers. I'm Daniel Butler. And this is "America's Dumbest Criminals."
[theme music] NARRATOR: On this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals", "Keyless Klutz."
-Drop the hat! NARRATOR: "Bad Liver Lady." "Cheap Trick." -Get away, lady. I gotta go to work.
NARRATOR: "Stash Flash." -This is not seasoning. NARRATOR: "Meter Dog." And "Courthouse Rock."
-(SINGING) O say can you see-- NARRATOR: And now here's your host, Daniel Butler.
-On the bizarre TV show, "Twin Peaks", David Lynch brought us the Log Lady. Once again, real life has proved stranger and dumber
than fiction with the rise and fall of a Maryland woman who locals are calling the Liver Lady.
On a number of occasions, the overnight drop box at the county library in Brooklyn Park
was found in the morning stuffed with raw chicken livers. Mm. Granted this was now the only spot in town
where a book burning could turn into a barbecue, but authorities wanted the foul play to end.
A surveillance camera caught the woman in the act one night and detectives made the arrest.
She faces six counts of destruction of property. Why did she put the chicken livers into the library slot?
Some of these folks, we just can't explain. And we'd rather not ask. OK? OK. You know, week after week, we hear about dummies messing up.
Well, this numskull is no different because he left his keys at the scene of the crime.
The officer in charge of the investigation-- working on a hunch had gone to a nearby parking lot
and found the car that had been reportedly involved in a series of robberies. It was sitting there parked unattended.
The officer promptly set up surveillance on the vehicle. Well, within moments, a locksmith truck
pulled up to the parked car and a man fitting the suspect description got out with the locksmith.
-There's my boy. Well, isn't this clever? Getting somebody to do his dirty work.
I think that's enough time. Hey! DANIEL BUTLER: Well, the locksmith was stunned when the police arrested the man
as he was trying to break into his own getaway car. -Locksmith, get out of the way.
Don't move. Put your hands up. Put your-- drop the hat. Put your hands up-- up against the car.
Back up a little. Don't move. Don't move. How stupid can a guy be? Breaking into a stolen car--
-Hold my hat! ---to steal it again. -Hold my hat! -You probably stole that, too.
-I want my hat! -At least he wasn't dumb enough to go back and ask for his keys please.
In the old Hollywood musicals people would just burst into song at almost any time to express joy,
sadness, anger, love. (SINGING) Gotta dance-- no. They didn't seem to care who was around
or where they happened to be. They just did it, like this next caged bird. This was our somber suspect's second time
in front of this particular judge. The first time he showed up to court without his pants.
The judge wasn't impressed. Now in front of the judge again for burglary, he knew he couldn't use his body to impress the judge.
So he decided perhaps a patriotic serenade might do the trick. [shouting] JUDGE: Mr. Grimm--
-(SINGING) Oh, say can you-- -All right. -(SINGING) --see-- JUDGE: Take-- take him to the--
-(SINGING) --by the dawn's early light-- DANIEL BUTLER: He-- well, unfortunately,
the judge was not wooed. And he removed the warbling rock star from the room. And they didn't hear a peep from him after that.
Sure, everyone knows about writer's block. But what about dumb criminal's block?
Could it be possible that these guys get stuck on new and funny ways to screw up?
No. Not judging from this next story where the only thing blocked was the jeep some schmo tried to steal.
Deputy Sheriff Ron of Wisconsin's Forest County got an unusual car theft in progress call.
Besides trying to break the law, the moron of mid-air was also trying to break the laws of physics
and was arrested for attempted car theft and public intoxication, which brought him back down to earth.
-You have the right to remain seated. NARRATOR: Coming up next on "America's Dumbest Criminals",
"Stash Flash," "Early Bird Bank Job", and "Unplugged." -You have the right to remain seated.
NARRATOR: And now, Crimes of the Week with Daniel Butler and Beaumont Bacon. -It's time now for--
-Crimes of the Week. -Here are three stories of a frozen banana, a "Beavis and Butt-Head" adventure,
and a man covered in lemon juice. -It's true, Dan. -It is. -It is absolutely true.
-It happened. -Our first story comes to us from Marysvale, Utah. And it seems two teens broke into a fire station
and decided to siphon gas from the town's only fire truck. -Uh-oh. -It's bad enough that they were doing it--
-No. ---but from the only fire truck. -Kids. -After several minutes, the two teens
weren't sure how much gas was actually being put into their gas can. -Did it matter?
-So one of them-- well, they're two teens. -Never mind. -That's right. Enough said there.
Well, so, anyway, so one of them got the bright idea to take a look, to see how much gas there is.
The only thing was, there was one problem. And that-- it was dark. And they did not bring a flashlight.
-Uh-oh. -But wait a minute. They do have a disposable lighter, which they struck right above the five gallon can--
-No. ---half filled-- yeah, it's getting sticky here. And it was, of course, filled with highly flammable gasoline.
-As opposed to the-- -The inflammable kind, I guess. -Right. Yeah. -I'm not sure.
Either way it's gonna blow up -Ouch. -Ernie and his now charbroiled buddy were treated for burns to the hands, face, neck, buttocks,
and every other part of their body. And they were taken down to the local police station where they
were charged with theft, and breaking and entering, and potentially making themselves
the toast of the town. -Literally, yeah. Kids don't try that at home, OK? -Oh. -It's not the gasoline that ignites.
It's those invisible fumes. -And we know about those fumes. -Oh, yeah. In our next story, the police arrest a man for armed robbery
and carrying an unpeeled weapon. While being frisked, the police found the weapon
the man had used in the robbery and informed him he was to be charged with armed robbery.
The man protested, no way, as the weapon found in his pocket was a banana. It was a frozen banana, mind you.
The only problem was he had hidden the frightening fruit in his pocket and tried to pass it off as a pistol.
-Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I thought there was a seven day waiting period for bananas.
-Oh, yeah, the Brady Bunch law, sure. But, you know, I mean, you don't have time to ask,
is that a banana in your pocket or a huge hair triggered 357 Magnum? -Either way they both will go off.
-True. -Have you ever slurped on a banana? Dangerous. -Brutal. -Brutal. -Mm-hm. -You can hurt yourself that way.
Well, I've got one just as dumb, Daniel. And it's full of vitamin C. Police couldn't believe
their eyes as they watched the security camera. And it was a tape of a break in that
had just occurred the night before. After breaking through a rear window of the clothing store
that was gonna be robbed there, the man that was caught on tape, he seemed to be smiling, like,
waving and smiling at the security cameras. As he was at the counter, he just opened up his bag right there on the camera.
-Mm-hm. -And he produced a half dozen lemons. And began to cut the lemons just right there on the counter.
And he then started rubbing the lemons all over his face, squeezing the juice-- -A beauty treatment?
-I have no idea. Ouch if he has a cut. -Mm. -He brings salt with that, a little tequila.
-Burns. -Having done that, our fruit facial felon, he casually strolled through the store,
like he was gonna shop with no qualms about being, you know, picked up or identified or anything.
He was just taking his time. No fear of being detected. And the thing is, is that there are clear pictures of this man.
And he was quickly identified. And he was arrested of the following day. However, he was shocked.
This thief was shocked when he was confronted by the police. Apparently, in his mind, he was under the impression
that lemons squirted and rubbed on his face-- -Mm-hm. ---would make him invisible.
-OK. The old Claude Rains thing. -The old Claude Rains thing happened. -It didn't work. -It obviously--
-It did not work. -Yeah, he thought he could pass through walls and all kinds of stuff. And it didn't work.
-OK. -So when the police finally caught up with him, they were really stifling a laugh, trying to-- I
mean, this moron just had so many misconceptions about this whole idea. And even if he has to spread lemon juice-- what you're
supposed to do is spread it on the lens of the camera because it blurs the picture, not yourself.
There's another bad plan gone sour, Daniel. -Yeah. Well, sour indeed, Beaumont. But now it is time for our--
-Idiot of the week. Working on a tip, the narcotics unit of the [inaudible] County Sheriff's Office executed a search warrant.
-Hi, how are you doing? -Hey, what's up? -Police department. Came here to serve an arrest warrant for-- you wouldn't have
any narcotics or anything in the house, would you? DANIEL BUTLER: The man who answered the door insisted
there was no cocaine in the house, at which point the officers had to start laughing because, you see,
the man standing there had a white cocaine mustache. -What's all this white stuff around your face?
-Where? -On your face. Not my face. -On my face? -Your face. -Yeah, what do you mean?
-Come on out here. Come on out here. You know, you got all this white stuff on your face, you know.
-No. -Have you been burying your head in flour or something? -Yeah, mostly. No--
-Most normal people wouldn't, though. -I was making a cake. -Sort of the milk mustache.
-Got milk? ---which was-- yeah, got coke? -Got coke? ---was tested and proved positive as cocaine.
And along with the other evidence found in the house, an arrest was made. -Oh, I hope so.
-It was pretty obvious. -It was pretty obvious. -There is no cocaine in this house.
-That's right. Sorry, officers, there's no-- and I don't have a loaded banana in my [inaudible] either.
-Like any good plan, success lies in the timing, especially for these two completely
clueless canyon country criminals who live by the motto, first come, first served.
It was just minutes before 10 on a lovely California day, when Larry and Moe, in their best bank robber getup,
arrived at their rags to riches rendezvous. The problem is, our masked muffin heads were a little too
enthusiastic and way too early. The bank hadn't opened yet. A bystander flagged some passing police who quickly arrived
and showed our early nerds some doors that are always open-- cell doors. Bank open at 10.
Jail always open. -What you doing? You're so stupid, man. You're dumb. -Officer Rich Woodworth had been working on a string of bank
robbers he believed had been committed by the same person. When he was given just the ticket
he needed to crack the case. -What this guy had done, he went into the bank, did his normal armed robbery, ran out of the bank,
and ran to his car, which he had parked about half a block away. But what he had done was, he had illegally
parked it in a red zone. And when he got back to his car, one of our police assistants
was writing him a ticket. -Would you give me the ticket already? -So then we hear that this police assistant's
calling a-- the vehicle's driving away. And I go over and talk to him. We put two and two together, find out
the guy matches the description of the bank robbery suspect. And sure enough, we head him off at the pass,
send a car to his house. And here he is driving up with the money, the gun, and the car, and the license.
We have the ticket to prove it. And then I had my police assistant come over and identify him.
And we had the tellers in the bank identify him. So we pretty much wrapped that one up pretty quick.
He shouldn't have parked in the red zone. That's my suggestion. If you're gonna do a robbery, park your car legally.
-It was a clear case of the pen being mightier than the sword. Now in this next story, you'll see
why it pays to look out for man's best friend. In Athens, Ohio, it's common for students
to leave their dogs tied to street signs or parking meters when they go into a store.
But for this one dumb criminal, it turned out to be a big mistake. [barking] POLICE OFFICER 1: You believe this?
POLICE OFFICER 2: You think this is the one? POLICE OFFICER 1: I think so. [laughing]
-You see, not only did the crook leave his dog tied up long enough to arouse suspicion, but when the police answered
the call to investigate this poor pooch tied up, they discovered a little bag around his collar that
contained $700 in cash and a small baggy of marijuana. -What's-- look at this. -Whoa.
-What he's got around his neck. -Is that real money and real dope? -Looks like it to me.
-I think we have an arrest. -Well, the dog's owner went to the police station to report the missing dog, where he was promptly arrested
and found to be in possession of further narcotics. Keep them in your pocket when you
go to pick up your dog at the police station. Guess who's in the dog pound now, kids?
Not the pooch. NARRATOR: Coming up next on "America's Dumbest Criminals", "The Cop Shot Hoofer," "DMV DUI."
They vend that-a-way. -You have the right to remain seated. -Obtaining a driver's license can be a terrifying experience.
Your whole motoring future is hanging in the balance, not to mention the time spent waiting in line
just to get the appointment for your driver's test. You want to be at your best with all your skills
sharpened and honed, not dulled and dense, like this marinated motorist. It seems like a man in Helena, Montana
showed up for his driver's license examination with a blood alcohol level of 0.24.
Just so you know, the legal limit is 0.08. Needless to say, he did not pass go. A DUI on his driving test.
Our next set of trained professionals seem to really have it all together. They successfully robbed a bank, got their money,
made their way out of the door, but that's when their luck changed. The fool flew out at such a speed
that he tripped over his own two feet. Then as he hit the ground, his gun went off and shot him in the foot.
His partner came back to help just in time for the cop's welcoming committee. They hand cuffed the hapless hoodlums
and hauled them hopping mad down to the station. You know, people say that the '50s were a more innocent time.
But that was only true if you weren't guilty. Still the dumb criminals back then had a certain naivety
that you don't often come across today. At the time, there was a rash of vending machine robberies,
especially cigarette machines, because they were lighter than soft drink units. To help protect their investment,
the owners put in motion alarms that were hooked up to sirens. One evening, these marauding morons
stole a cigarette machine and put it in the back of their truck and drove off. However, they hit a bump, which set the internal siren off.
The startled Stooges panicked. Assuming the alarm behind them was the cops and tried their best to lose them.
Of course, the police eventually did get their men with a nice assist from a cigarette vending machine.
As they say, the crooks had met their match. If you're a dumb, armed criminal, and you're just plain tired of dumb guns and dumb
knives, do us all a big favor and don't move on to power tools. Sticking up a Howard Johnson's motel is a man size job.
So this Lake City Florida woman chose a big tool, an electric chainsaw. Her entrance was fine.
-Give me your money! DANIEL BUTLER: But that's when this crooked cut up's plan ran out of juice.
No, she doesn't have a silencer on that wood whacker. She forgot to plug it in. Yes, that's right, America.
She came, she saw, she didn't saw. And not only that, she was arrested for robbery,
the unkindest cut of all. Can't you feel the electricity? We'll be right back with more of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
-If I were you, I'd drop the remote now. -The next story looks like your standard dope bust.
POLICE OFFICER 3: Look what I found in your room over there, guys. DANIEL BUTLER: An officer with a warrant enters a suspect home
and finds him smoking marijuana. He also found plants growing in various pots. -Is this all I'm gonna find in the house?
-That's everything. -That's everything? -That's everything? -That's everything. -I'm not gonna find anything else?
-That's it, dude. There's nothing. There's nothing. -That's everything. -Doesn't matter.
DANIEL BUTLER: And also in a few not so well hidden stashes. -Whose is this? SUSPECT 1: That's seasoning.
That's nothing. SUSPECT 2: It's just, like, chopped up. -I've been on quite a long time.
This is not seasoning. DANIEL BUTLER: In fact, every time the officer found something, he asked the suspect--
-Is this it? SUSPECT 2: That's everything. -This is everything? If I brought-- if I brought a drug dog through here
he wouldn't find anymore? SUSPECT 2: Nothnig. -No. DANIEL BUTLER: Every time he got the same answer.
-But just on a hypothetical point, if you did have any more, where would you hide it?
DANIEL BUTLER: I guess it was at that point that our criminal realized he wasn't
the brightest boy in the room. -You are-- you know what this stuff is? Is that it?
All right. You guys are bought and paid for. -Needless to say, in the very box he pointed
was the evidence needed to keep him in the joint for quite a while. Go figure. You know, we've all had times in our lives
when we felt stuck in a rut, not quite ourselves, not sure where we're going in life, feeling
like we're just barely hanging on. Well, this dumb criminal felt all of those things and more.
A local video store robber was stuck between a rock and a hard place literally. He had attempted to flee the scene of the crime,
but while attempting to climb a nearby fence, he slipped and gave himself a full body wedgie.
-Ow. DANIEL BUTLER: Between the two fences. Officers found the guy hanging around the property
and quickly dislodged the lopsided looter from his precarious perch. He's currently fenced in at the local jail
and has organized a support group for other vertically challenged cellmates. That's all for this week.
I'm Daniel Butler saying, hey, kids, there's no right way to do a wrong thing. We'll see you next week on "America's Dumbest Criminals."
NARRATOR: Don't forget to watch these incredibly dumb stories on next week's episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
An egghead takes a fall in "Out on a Limb", paging a perp in-- -Hey, what's up? -Yeah, who's this?
NARRATOR: "Dial a Narc", a girl with a mission in "You Only Live Vice", and a clumsy crook is found hanging around,
on next week's "America's Dumbest Criminals." -Oh, we're-- I'm sorry. We're rolling?
-See the red light? -Oh-- [laughing] -Our first story comes to us from a car-- let's start over.
Police were in hot pursuit of an armed bank robbery-- he had arms. This is a good thing to have when you're robbing a bank.
-Yeah. It really wasn't. I hate to burst your bubble. Here are three stories of a--
[laughing] -Frozen banana? -Dammit, Jim, I'm a talent, not a doctor. Here we go.
-Had to ask, why did you stop? A dumb criminal-- crim-- -The crook. -The crook explained--
-Emphasis on the dumb. Oh. How blunt-- -But. -B-- are you going to a hunt? Can we start over?
Here we go. -Pig. -They started here in Nova Scotia. And then slowly they moved to--
-Migrated. That sounds like a case of two goof-- balls. Goof galls?

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," we'll meet offenders with nicknames like "Keyless Klutz," "Bad Liver Lady," "Cheap Trick" and "Stash Flash," meet a "Wiener Dog" and hear some "Courthouse Rock."

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode features absurd criminal antics including a woman stuffing livers in a library and a man breaking into his own stolen car.

Key points

Liver Lady. A woman repeatedly stuffs raw chicken livers into a library drop box.
Keyless Klutz. A criminal tries to break into his own stolen car, leaving his keys behind.
Frozen Banana Robbery. A man attempts armed robbery with a frozen banana, claiming it's a weapon.
Dog's Cash Stash. A dog tied outside a store leads police to a criminal with cash and drugs.
Chainsaw Robbery Fail. A woman tries to rob a motel with a chainsaw that wasn't plugged in.
Dumb Criminals. A discussion about a particularly foolish criminal unfolds.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

How stupid can a guy be?

2:59WatchFeb 17, 2022

Tension

25/ 100Low tension

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