America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 2, Episode 26 - The Wrong Crustacean - Full Episode | Forensic Files

-Hi, I'm Daniel Butler. welcome to another edition of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
THEME SONG: Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. [glass breaking] -Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
[tires screeching] -Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. [cymbal crash] [slapstick noise] -Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
[crash] [tires screeching] -Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb. NARRATOR: On this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals,"
a careless criminal stuffs the wrong crustacean down his pants. [screams] NARRATOR: A parachuter runs into a little technical difficulty.
A confused crook runs right into the arms of the law. OFFICER (ON RADIO):He's gonna come get in your truck.
Look at that idiot. [laughs] NARRATOR: An escaped con forgets his glasses. All this and more on this week's episode
of "America's Dumbest Criminals." Here's your host, Daniel Butler. -A guy decided to parachute from a radio tower one afternoon.
Didn't quite plan on, well. [911 chatter] [911 chatter] -Sometimes a picture just says it all, doesn't it?
[music playing] -A convict at Jerome County Jail managed to slip under the exercise yard fence and escape.
The quick wit immediately disposed of his signature round glasses, assuming that he wouldn't be recognized.
But we all know what happens when you assume. -See Dick run. Run, Dick, run. See Dick flag down a car.
Flag, Dick, flag. See Dick squint. Squint, Dick, squint. See officer arrest Dick.
Duh, Dick, duh. -Without his glasses, Dick didn't realize that it was a cop car that he had flagged down.
See Dick go back to jail. Stay, Dick, stay. POLICE OFFICER: Well, it's too bad you
don't have your glasses. -For every dumb crime, there is a dumb getaway. But when it comes to picking a hiding place,
it gets a little trickier, as this investigator from Richardson, Texas points out.
-We were driving down a- a six-lane divided roadway there. And all of a sudden, from the parking
lot of a little shopping center there adjacent to this roadway, a guy bolts out in front of us.
He's got something stuffed up under his coat. So I looked over my partner and said,
I don't know what he stole, but he just stole something. -So we looked over in the shopping center parking lot.
And here's an elderly lady coming across the parking lot. And she's waving her hands in the air
and just having a real fit. This guy had just stolen her purse. -And so the guy ran up an alley.
Well, by the time I got out of the car and managed to get in foot chase with him there,
he had already cut through the fences. And so I was only a short distance behind but I exited the fenced area, where he had ran,
and into a large, open parking lot. D.L. THOMAS: And there was really no place for him to go.
But there were some trash dumpsters. So I thought, well, the guy had to be in the trash dumpster.
And so I start flipping open the trash dumpsters. And got to about the second trash dumpster
and flip this thing open. And there he is laid in the trash dumpster just laid back in there, still clutching the purse.
[laughter] D.L. THOMAS: And bad thing about it was this guy had chosen this trash dumpster where
a little adjacent pet shop had just cleaned out all the cages. [laughter] -I mean, he smelled terrible.
So brought him out at gunpoint. Laid him on the concrete there. And, you know, it was one of those situations where you
really didn't want to put your handcuffs on this guy, because he smelled terrible.
[laughter] -This dummy chose a dumpster full of kitty litter and parrot poop for his hideout.
But hey, the cops smelled a rat, and a ferret, and a dachshund. [music playing] -Every once in awhile, a dumb criminal
turns his act around just in the nick of time. A Los Angeles health officer was staking out a roadside area
that was constantly being used as a dump. Soon, a rubbish rebel arrived and promptly
began unloading his treasure. HEALTH OFFICER (ON RADIO): Five-L-six. I'm code six in the area of Fern and Arrow
highway on a possible illegal dumping. Unbelievable. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): But before he finished,
he noticed the officer out of the corner of his eye. Without missing a beat, he quickly stacked his waste
back in the truck, as well as cleaning up the surrounding grounds. Giving credit where credit was due,
the officer followed the reformed litterer to his next destination, a city dump,
but did not give the man a ticket. Happy, we guess, that he had already cleaned up its act and the roadside area.
-I'm Daniel Butler and this is my coquettish co-host, Beaumont Bacon. -Hello, Daniel.
-Hiya. -Hiya. -Officers arrived at a residence to pick up a guy named Jack with a felony warrant on his record.
When they got to the door, a drunken man in a tank top answered. When they asked him if he was Jack,
he said, no, I'm his brother, Joe. He said that Jack was over at their mother's house
doing laundry and wouldn't be back for a couple of hours. BEAUMONT BACON: Those fine washables.
Those darn fine washables. -Yeah, Woolite. The officer knew that something was up and asked the guy
for his ID, which he didn't have. Then they ask him for his social security number, which
he rattled off but was about three numbers short. That's when they started laughing.
BEAUMONT BACON: What happened? -Well, they told the guy that next time he decides to lie about his name, you
might want to wear long-sleeved shirt to cover that tattoo of his name, Jack, that was prominently etched on his arm.
-Could've been a boyfriend. -No. -No, not in this case. -Not this guy. -Drunks skunks seem to think alike.
-Uh-huh. -An officer in Anderson, Indiana was blocking traffic for an accident with his lights flashing when a car came
from the other direction, passed him, and then slammed on his brakes, and pulled over.
The drunk driver got out of this car and staggered over to the officer and said, OK, you got me.
I'm sorry, officer. I'm really drunk. -Really? -Yep. Turns out that the pickled perp only saw the officer's flashing
lights in his rear view mirror as he passed the accident, and assumed that the officer was actually driving behind him
and attempting to pull him over for drunk driving. -Which brings us to the Vidiot of the Week.
-Of all the stories we've received this week, this is our absolute favorite. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): An officer in Lillian,
Oklahoma had cornered two suspects behind a local bar. As he approached, one of the suspects quickly dropped a bag.
-Who dropped this? -It's not mine, sir. I've never seen it in my life. -What do you have to say?
-I don't know. It's not mine. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Unable to prove ownership,
the officer had no choice but to let the guys go and confiscate the bag of drugs.
The losers went to another bar and told the bartender about how a cop had just taken their drugs.
Well, the barkeep informed them that the officer lived just of couple blocks away and joked that they should just
go to his house and ask for their drugs back, which they did. The officer's wife called her husband
who came home and promptly moved the dopey dopers from his front porch into the back of his cruiser.
-Well, good for him. -Buddy. -Another case closed. -Yeah, buddy. -We all get by with a little help from our friends.
But this convict's friend got a little more than he bargained for when he stopped by for a little visit.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): An officer assigned to front desk duty was busy doing paperwork when a man approached and asked
if he could post bail for a friend that he called Pookie. The officer told him that people were
booked under their real name. The man seemed a little perplexed and started digging things out of his pocket,
claiming that he had his friend's name somewhere. -The bungling bird didn't seem to realize that he had dropped
a couple of bags of cocaine on top of his belongings. The officer arrested the guy and put him
in the same cell as Pookie so he could explain to his friend the reason that he couldn't post his bail.
Pookie sure knew how to pick is friends, didn't he. POLICE OFFICER: Whose is that stuff right there?
[music playing] -We all know how difficult it can be to find a job these days. But this little lady was sure that she
was perfect for this particular position. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): She thought
it would be nice to work in the little town of Rock Hill, South Carolina and decided to fill out an application down
at the local police department. She was confident that they would want her. -She had all the qualifications, her resume, the completed
application, and a warrant out for her arrest in New Jersey. Well, she was right.
They certainly did want her. That should make her feel a little better. [handcuffs tightening]
[music playing] -Sometimes it's the little things in life that make a big difference.
Thankfully, this dumb criminal didn't take the time to consider some of them when he attempted to rob this gas
station in Bensonville, Illinois. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The buffoon entered the gas station's convenience store
wearing your standard-issue ski mask and demanded all the money. He didn't plan on the woman behind the counter telling them
that if he didn't have a gun, he should leave. -Get out of here. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Believe it or not, he did just
that, and said that he'd be back. The clerk called the police and filed a report.
She gave a good description of this car but was unable to identify him because of the mask.
They said to call it she heard from him again, which she did about 20 minutes later.
-She saw his car pull up and she immediately called the police, who instructed her to lock the door.
She did and hid under the counter. The masked marvel tried the door. He didn't appear to understand why it wouldn't open.
-So what does he do? He pulls off his mask and presses his face to see where the clerk went.
Smile, you're on bandit camera. [laughs] -Well, this next surveillance tape shows a man who was collecting permanent lifetime disability
insurance for a back injury he claimed would cripple him for the rest of his life.
Well, it obviously did affect him. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): He spent some time with his family.
MAN (VOICEOVER): [inaudible]. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Took a light trip but he
finally flipped out. -However, the insurance company had supplied him with a nice ergomatic mattress for the bunk in his jail cell.
[music playing] -While sitting in a parking lot one night, a Florida police officer noticed a rental truck coming up
behind him with its headlights off. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): As the officer approached
the vehicle, he noticed a distinct smell of alcohol. POLICE OFFICER: You're driving with no lights on.
-Oh. POLICE OFFICER: How much have you had to drink tonight? -Nothing. POLICE OFFICER: Well, why don't you step out.
-How- how much have I had to drink? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): After questioning the two men,
the officer's partner opened the back of the truck and found a variety of boxes filled with marijuana.
MAN: [inaudible]. -Got some dope back here, partner. POLICE OFFICER: [inaudible]?
-Looks like we hit the mother lode. -Gee, there was only a refrigerator dolly in the back of my last moving truck.
[music playing] -A hat says a lot about the person wearing it. It gives a sense of style, fashion, and personal flair.
This dumb criminal chose a hat that said a little more about himself that he'd planned.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Our fashion fop decided to don something a little more different
than the old ski mask trend that so many of the clerks before him had worn. He opted for the rebel without a clue look,
and used his motorcycle helmet, as you can see. -However, he forgot to check himself out
in the rear view mirror before he left. And we all know how that usually leads to disaster.
He had forgotten that his full name was printed plainly across the front of his helmet, for all
to see, Dummy, which they did. -And after a quick call to the fashion police, the dapper dud was easily picked up and taken to a place where
the only thing over his head will be a bunk holding his cellmate, Skeeter. [music playing]
-This dumb criminal should have put on his thinking cap before he attempted to rob this convenience
store in Clermont, Florida. He probably just forgot it, along with a few other things,
as you'll see. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): You can see the guy walk into the store and go
directly up to the counter. -Quickly. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Holding his mask in his hand.
The clerk acknowledges him and goes about his business. That's when the goon realizes that he forgot his mask
and quickly steps behind a nearby display-- -Gimme the money. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --puts it
on, then comes back to the clerk-- -You just looked into the camera. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --and asks for the money.
-What are you doing? -Damn. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): That's when the goof notices the camera--
-Gimme the tape. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --and tells the clerk to give him the tape, which he does.
Then the guy just ran out of the store. He forgot about the robbery altogether and left with only a copy of his screen test
to show for his efforts. Want to see my demo reel? [laughs] [slapstick noise] -Now we'd like to report about a new device that's
on the cutting edge of technology, the mental detector. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Seems that this bozo was having
a bit of trouble with the metal detector at a security checkpoint. First, it was just pager, then his belt, then his keys.
-All right, all right. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Finally cracking under the pressure, the cowboy threw up his hands and said,
OK, OK, you've got me. I've got a bag of dope in my boot. -Come on, sir. -The drugs were confiscated and the doper was quickly arrested
and booted it into the slammer. [music playing] -An officer with the Riverton, Wyoming Police Department
was having a nice, quiet afternoon when a motorcycle with two riders rolled through a stop sign.
He pulled them over and noticed that the passenger was obviously drunk and not over 21.
-The subject obligingly came up with a license that did not resemble him in the slightest.
His explanation was that he had had a bad day when the picture was taken. However, a check of the license revealed that the owner was
wanted for armed robbery in Las Vegas and considered dangerous. -Sensing something was not right, the boy started to flee
but was quickly stopped. -[inaudible], pal. Freeze! Freeze! MAN: Don't shoot him.
Now don't shoot him. -Put your hands behind your head. Step back here. Put your hands behind your head. Step back off that tire.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): A search revealed a large knife in his pocket and a confession that the license was not his.
Back at the station, he admitted that the license had been given to him by a friend after it had expired
so he could get a drink with no hassle. -It didn't quite work out that way now did it?
[music playing] -You ever feel guilty about picking a live lobster out of the tank at a restaurant?
Don't. Here's the story of a steamer that got revenge for the whole lot of them by making a human shoplifter
his own personal catch of the day. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Wanting to celebrate his girlfriend's birthday,
this Boston man decided to steal her something nice, a four-pound lobster, a very un-shellfish act, it's true.
But chances were good the security guard on duty would not agree. -Acting quickly, the thief stuffed the lobster
down his pants and high-tailed it for safer turf. thinking he was safe, the crook was unprepared for the Houdini
act that the lobster was about to pull in his pants. With his claws liberated, the crafty crustacean
took a bite out of crime. [screams] -At least he clamped down hard on the man's, well, you know.
The instant vasectomy required 19 stitches. The guard took him to a hospital where the man was finally
released, although his plans for having children have been put on hold, so to speak.
And the lobster is requesting drawn butter. -Officers in Tulsa, Oklahoma were on the hunt for a second person who
had fled on foot after stealing a car. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): With infrared cameras,
the air unit was able to locate the suspect hiding in woods. They directed the undercover officer on the ground
to the suspect's location and watched the stupidity go on from there. OFFICER 1: OK.
He's up and moving towards you know. He's moving towards the road. I don't know what his problem is.
OFFICER 2: I think he thinks he's gonna get a ride from one of his buddies. OFFICER 1: Yeah.
He's- he's cautiously headed your direction. This guy's pretty stupid. [laughs] OFFICER 2: He is, isn't he?
Yeah, probably thinks it's one of his buddy's cars. Get me outta here. OFFICER 1: Yeah, he's gonna come get in your truck.
[laughs] Look at that idiot. [laughs] Never seen anything like that. OFFICER 2: Looked like he was fixing
to get in there until he saw the police. OFFICER 1: He was. He was. He thought it was one of his homeys.
OFFICER 3: [inaudible] O-H-P. OFFICER 1: Thank you. [laughs] That takes the cake,
doesn't it. I've never seen anything. [laughs] OFFICER 2: That's funny. OFFICER 1: He really thought he was
gonna get a ride He fell for it. He's in custody. OFFICER 2: This guy's pretty stupid.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): I couldn't have said it better myself. -You know, dumb criminals weren't born this way.
They've had to work years to lose enough brain cells to fully qualify as one of America's dumbest criminals.
We'll see you next week. -This must've been probably 3 o'clock, 3:00 AM in the morning.
So I saw this guy walking up the street with a huge duffel bag on his shoulder. And I pulled around behind this guy
and got out to check to see what he was doing at this time of night. -It was an industrial section where there just
isn't any traffic at that time, especially foot traffic. And the relayed his story that he just
been over to some people who had picked him up, and he was trying to find the freeway.
This was nowhere near the freeway. He was lost. -Finally at some point, I asked him what he had in his bag.
He said, Oh, I've just got some clothes and things. So I said, would it be all right if I looked in there.
And he said, oh, sure. -And so soon as I open the bag up, here's a silver service set.
Soon as I found this and started setting it out on the ground, he says- his first statement was, if I take it back,
are you gonna put me in jail? [laughter] THEME MUSIC: Dumb, dumb.

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," a careless criminal stuffs the wrong crustacean in his pants, a parachutist runs into a technical difficulty, a confused crook runs into the arms of the law and an escaped con forgets his glasses.

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode highlights absurd stories of dumb criminals, including a lobster theft and a convict who forgets his glasses.

Key points

Dumpster Dive Disaster. A criminal hides in a dumpster but ends up smelling terrible when caught.
The Case of the Tattooed Brother. A drunken man tries to impersonate his brother, but his tattoo gives him away.
The Drunk Driver's Mistake. A drunk driver mistakenly pulls over to confess to an officer.
The Masked Marvel. A robber forgets his mask and hilariously reveals his identity.
A Lobster's Revenge. A man steals a lobster, but it fights back in a surprising way.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

Duh, Dick, duh.

A humorous moment highlighting the absurdity of a criminal's mistake.

2:01WatchFeb 17, 2022

Tension

30/ 100Low tension

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