America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 2, Episode 14 - Helping Hands - Full Episode | Forensic Files

[theme music] -Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
[glass breaking] [tires skidding] [tires screeching] NARRATOR: On this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals,"
a hemped-up hoodlum in "Helping Hands." A roving rover in "Walked Dog, Curbed Brain."
A crooked cruiser in "Chasing Lamey." A resourceful rascal in "Shorts of Breath."
All this and more, coming up on "America's Dumbest Criminals." Here's your host, Daniel Butler.
-Our next surveillance tape shows how man's best friend helped nab a sharpshooting schmuck in Philadelphia.
The officers had located a known drug dealer and surrounded his home. However, he didn't want to leave,
and decided to fire at them, and then barricaded himself inside for two days. Officers evacuated the homes around him
and then patiently waited for the man to come out. [dog barking] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Unfortunately, the dealer's dog
couldn't wait any longer, and had to be taken out to do some business. You can see the man casually come out to walk his dog,
then realize just how many officers were waiting for him-- OFFICER 1 (ON RADIO): There they go.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --just a little too late. The man was caught as his barking buddy stood by quietly
watching, as his master finished taking care of his own business. [music playing]
-If you truly are what you eat, then this next bozo is, to put it mildly, a pantywaist.
A Canadian man was picked up by an officer and his partner on suspicion of drunk driving.
Then he started acting very erratically-- OFFICER 2: Let's hurry up and get to the station.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --leading the officers-- OFFICER 2: I want to book him.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --to believe the man was concealing drugs. A search at the station later-- NARRATOR: Yeah.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --disproved that theory, and the man admitted that he had been eating his underwear.
Asked why he would dine on such forbidden fruits of the loom-- OFFICER 2: What are you doing?
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --the cotton-eating stripper had a great answer. OFFICER 2: Hey, what are you doing?
What? -Trying to absorb the alcohol. -What? -Believe it or not, the man was acquitted of the charges,
but he says the experience still left a bad taste in his mouth. [music playing] -ADC's digital dummies of cybercrime, number 179.
Karl Flusche is an investigator specializing in computer crime and evidence of other crimes that may be found on computer.
In this story, Karl stumbles onto a cyber simp who believed in plenty of backup.
-We had a case, or [inaudible] I had a case of this guy at a, uh-- at a remote, uh, a military site, uh,
accused of being a, uh, drug dealer. OK, uh, low-- low-- low level, but still a drug dealer.
Uh, the agents, uh, did a raid of his place. They found this computer. They seized the computer, brought it back in,
wanted someone to analyze it. So I came in, did analysis of it, and this was-- uh, he stored everything, not on floppy disk.
He had a-- a data set, a tape recorder basically, and a tape, uh-- tape cassette that he stored the data on.
What I found on there was he had a listing of all of his customers by name, address, and, uh, what, uh,
dope they liked, and when gave it to 'em, and everything else, all on this data set.
So we were able to come up with about 57 names of, uh, people that he dealt, uh, dealt drugs to.
He thought he was being pretty smart. Well, he was, but, uh, it worked out great for us.
-That's one digital doper headed for a hard drive in stir. [music playing] -When stopped by the police, it's
always wise to be as cooperative and pleasant as possible. This particular dumb criminal went
way beyond the call of duty. [siren] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): An Arizona officer
trailed the reckless driver and pulled him over. The drunk driver was very helpful
as he attempted to look for his license, and pulled out a handful of items. He asked the officer if he would mind holding some of his stuff
while he kept looking. The officer said, sure, and he carefully separated the bags of pot from the pills,
and waited patiently for the hapless suspect to find his license. The goon was very excited when he found his license
and handed it to the officer, who politely put the suspect under arrest for DWI and possession
of the numerous narcotics that he had been asked to hold by the friendly fool. [music playing]
-Most people, when stopped by the police, protest innocence. Officer, what was I stopped for?
You must be mistaken. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Well, this motorcycle moron already knew he was wrong.
He had done the crime, done the time, and then started all over again. -A couple nights ago, I was driving down I-30,
and I noticed the motorcycle in front of me, the registration expired over a year ago.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): He approached the biker, and was presented with no excuse, no explanation.
BERNIE LAWRENCE (VOICEOVER): Soon as he pulled over, got off his motorcycle, threw his hands up.
I'm not going back to jail. I'm telling you, I'm not going to jail. I'm saying, sir, calm down, calm down.
You know, I didn't say anything about you, you know, going to jail. Stopped you 'cause your tags are expired.
And he says, I just got out of jail. I just left the jail, and I don't want to go back.
So I asked him, said, what'd you go to jail for? And he said, well, my license is suspended.
So of course, his driver's license is suspended. I-- I arrested him again, and he went right back to jail.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Ah, freedom. If only for an hour. NARRATOR: And now, Crimes of the Weak,
with Daniel Butler and Beaumont Bacon. -I'm Daniel Butler, and this is the alluring and appealing
Beaumont Bacon. -Thank you, Daniel. That's very sweet. It's very Southern of you to say that.
Thank you. -Well, how about this guy from Columbia, South Carolina? He was under suspicion of illegal drug trafficking,
and had been set up to make a deal in a local fast food parking lot. However, when he suddenly realized
that he was negotiating with officers, he rammed their vehicles and sped off. -So much for Southern hospitality.
-Exactly. Things seemed to be working out for him, though, until he hit a phone pole, overturned his car,
and then tried to flee on foot. -You can't keep a dumb criminal down. -Nor out of custody.
-Nope. -He quickly scaled a nearby chain-link fence and dropped right down into the county police compound.
-Well, that was just gosh-darn nice of him, wasn't it? -Yeah, it was. Yeah. -Maybe he made, uh, friends with our next moron here.
He was serving a sentence for shoplifting and had been placed in a work release program,
and assigned to community service with the county parks. -Uh, doing something productive, like
shoplifting some of the garbage off the ground and stashing it in a dumpster. -Well, see, that-- that would have been productive,
and-- and he was actually more productive. He managed to spend a lot of this time servicing
a thriving patch of 21 marijuana plants that he had personally cultivated in a nearby field.
That field happened to be about 150 yards from the police station. -Dumb. -Big time.
-Yeah. Well, let's take a look at this backyard bozo, whom we've nominated as the Vidiot of the Week.
Now, we all have those nights when we just don't feel like cooking. BEAUMONT BACON: No.
-So we hop in the car and search for some food to go. However, for dumb criminals, this
can take on a whole new meaning. -Steal a meal. -Exactly. Yeah. A South Dakota punk had a hankering
for a couple of big, juicy steaks. Giving the premise of pot luck a new meaning,
he decided to stop by someone's home and grab their entire barbecue, with the steaks still cooking.
-Well, uh, that saves time, though. -Yeah. Yeah, I guess, but a neighbor called the police,
who didn't have much trouble finding the meathead. Seems that a few miles down the road,
his car burst into flames, and the fire department had to be called to put it out.
The local police, of course, grilled the suspect-- -Ooh. - --and then gave Starvin' Marvin a lift
into the back of their squad car. -Well, it just goes to show you, you can't steal your steak
and eat it too. -Not in a trunk. -No. [music playing] -Criminals are used to hearing, "You have
the right to an attorney, or one will be appointed for you." But this dumb criminal decided to take the law
into his own hands, and ended up strangling himself. Our determined Dumbo had broken into a local courthouse
and stolen a variety of office items. When he was caught, he denied it, and wanted to represent himself in court.
Uh-oh. The lawyer asked the court clerk if she had locked all the doors and windows that night, and she said she had.
-OK. And were the windows open? -No. They were not. -OK. -Then Scary Mason stepped up to cross
examine her with a smile on his face. -All those windows were locked? -Yes. -Then how do you explain I came through that window?
It was unlocked. -He didn't get to use his closing arguments, since he had just placed himself at the scene of the crime.
Our legal eagle had his wings clipped and was assigned to a secure cage just down the hall.
[music playing] -What makes a dumb crime really dumb? Well, a really stupid getaway helps.
Check out this getaway gaffe. These two clowns broke into a business, but couldn't break into the safe,
so they took the safe with them. That is, they tried. Unfortunately for these two bozos,
the safe was too big to fit inside their trunk. Luckily, they had a great defense.
Who, me? What safe? Oh, how did that safe get into my trunk? Boy, it's a good thing the officer spotted that stray
safe, or it might have followed them all the way home. Kids, are you looking for a job?
Here are a few helpful tips for your job interview. Dress neatly, offer a firm handshake,
and don't steal your potential employer's bicycle. The order of a video store in Valencia, California,
had just taken an application from a guy who proceeded to leave the store with the owner's bicycle.
However, he didn't realize that his crime was caught on tape from inside and outside the store.
I mean, it was a video store. With his application on file, with his correct address
and personal information intact, the police had no problem locating our little hot-wheeled hoodlum.
Ha, ha. [music playing] -These two gourmet goof heads were feeling a little hungry,
so they ordered a pizza to be delivered to-- where else-- their own apartment. When the delivery guy arrived, they
waited for him to give up knocking, and as he turned to leave, they jumped him, taking the pizza and some cash.
[doorbell] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The police were notified, and all they had to do was go to the address on the order form.
-Yeah. What's the problem? -Can you step outside? I'd like to talk to you. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): With pizza shoved fully
into their pie holes, the jerks were pulled out of their apartment and into a waiting police cruiser--
-Don't you need some evidence? [inaudible] -We have the evidence right there. It's the pizza.
- --and delivered quickly to the station in 30 minutes or less. [music playing] -You know, it's one thing to save money on disguises,
but these guys went to the extreme. In an effort to bring up their net profit, our heroes covered their faces with one hand
while attempting a series of robberies in their own neighborhood. But a woman quickly saw through their little scheme--
-[shouting] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --recognizing one of the boys from her neighborhood.
The woman was able to give the police a perfect description and address of the peek-a-boo robbers.
The guys were soon "handed" over to the police and "slapped" with some jail time.
[music playing] -You know, there aren't many things in this life that are free. But when we come across them, it's
human nature to take advantage of them. And for this dumb criminal, it turned out
to cost him a bit more than he thought. After dropping off a criminal for booking,
two officers relaxed by their car and took a little break. They noticed a shady guy approaching,
and decided to have a little fun with him. -How you doing, sir? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): They called the guy over and told
them that they were providing free warrant checks for people that day. -A warrant check?
-Yeah. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): All the I had to do was give them his driver's license,
and they would run it and let them know if he had any outstanding warrants, absolutely free.
-OK, well-- DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The guy seemed to think this was a great idea, and handed over his ID.
One officer went to run the check, while the other stayed and talked with the chump.
It turned out that the guy did, in fact, have a parole violation warrant, so they arrested him.
-Is this another test? -It's a test. Actually, you passed. -However, they assured the perplexed perp
that they plan to keep their word. They still weren't going to charge him anything for running the warrant check.
[music playing] -Millions of people across the nation are familiar with the heartbreaking phrase,
"the computer's down." But there's only a handful of high-tech, low brain crooks
who have been brought down physically by a computer. Here's a file on how one dummy got
downloaded straight to jail. In Vancouver, British Columbia, an officer was involved in a foot pursuit with a man who'd
been attempting to steal a computer. The hard-driving hood got a good head start,
and might have gotten away, but just then the officer got some timely technical support.
The thief was tripped up by the computer's mouse, and quickly captured and arrested.
-I hate computer crashes, don't you? -As we say here at ADC, crime does not compute.
Kids, if you don't go to school, you won't get smarter, and if you don't get smarter, you
might just wind up on this show. Like these kids from Hawaii, who hopefully learned their lesson,
and won't be making an encore. An officer on the Honolulu PD was sent to a field where
some students were playing hooky. When they spotted the lawman, the truant team started to run away.
The officer realized that he wouldn't win a foot pursuit. -Hey. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): So he sent in the hounds, sort of.
-S-- stop, or I'll send the dogs. Stay Bear, stop! Hey, bud, they're coming your way.
Get the dogs ready. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Of course, the no-class kids fell for the old invisible dog trick,
and were taken into canine-less custody. Hopefully they learned their lesson, will remain obedient,
and go to school. [music playing] -Balancing your checkbook can be a frustrating experience
if you don't keep all your records. This dumb criminal forgot about one check, and bounced himself right into the slammer.
One Sunday afternoon, in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, a cheesy guy walked into a local pizza joint
and started grilling the clerk about different selections. Then this pepperoni perpetrator wrote a note that said, give me
the money or I'll shoot you, and handed it to the clerk, who quickly complied. The knucklehead fled the scene, ditching his shirt,
thinking it would make it harder for the police to identify him. But they didn't need his shirt, because he had written
the holdup note on one of his own personal checks. They had his name, address, and phone number printed right
on the front, just like the numbers he has printed on the front of his prison uniform now.
[music playing] -High-speed chases are a nuisance to the police and, obviously, to really dumb criminals,
as you'll see in this footage from Talladega, Alabama. [siren] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): An officer and his supervisor
had been pursuing a car for over eight minutes, at speeds exceeding 90 miles per hour.
As the cars turned a corner, the officer in front initiates a rolling roadblock to slow the dimwit driver down.
This obviously frustrates our pedal to the metal moron, who motions to the car in front of him
to move, as if to say, get out of my way. Can't you see the cops are chasing me?
The defeated dodo finally stops the car and gives up, proving once and for all that his arm was not as strong as the long arm of the law.
[theme music] -A smart crime is hard to find, but there's no shortage of dumb criminals.
See you next week, on "America's Dumbest Criminals." NARRATOR: On the next episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals,"
taggers get lights, camera, busted. -Gimme the money. -Hey. NARRATOR: A gutsy gal tries--
-Gimme the money. NARRATOR: --applying herself. -This was really stupid. NARRATOR: A crook gets all dressed up.
[siren] NARRATOR: And you want butter on your fingers? -Eh, you want to buy some crack?
NARRATOR: The laughs just keep coming on the next episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
-Um, one of the cases I had in, um, in San Antonio, um, uh, at the Air Force military personnel center,
uh, there at, uh, Randolph Air Force Base, uh, every now and then, it was getting hit by these hackers
trying to break in, to try to see what type of records they could get, or anything.
And we had a pretty good, uh, system in place there that prevented that. Uh, they called me in one day when
they had a pretty persistent hacker who kept trying to get in. He was calling on the, uh, voice line
and trying to, uh, talk the operator-- what we call social engineering-- trying to talk the operator of the system
to, uh, bypass the controls and allow him to dial in directly. He was trying all sorts of different lines on her,
and things like that. Uh, and, uh, she called, uh, us in, and when I realized what
was going on, I also called in, uh, an FBI agent, and we started setting up some monitoring procedures.
One of things that we did was we set up a, uh, data scope line analyzer into the, um-- into the path
that it was going across so we could see every keystroke he would type on his computer.
We were recording that, so we had some good information to show how he's getting in, and what he was trying to do,
and build up some good information. During some of this, he called up the operator
while we are there, and, uh, so the FBI agent and I both, uh, you know, kind of fed her notes and everything.
Keep the guy on the line, uh, you know, uh, have him, uh, describe for you what he's done
and how he's doing, and, uh-- things like that. Just try to get some information.
Maybe he'll incriminate himself. Um, and, uh, what was interesting on this was at, uh,
one part, uh, we, uh, had her to ask him, aren't you afraid of, uh-- of, uh, the police, or the FBI,
uh, you know, finding out about you? 'Cause he'd been bragging about all these systems
he had broken into, and all these files he had, uh, stolen and downloaded, and credit cards and everything else.
And the guy sitting back to her, um, uh, or-- or-- or talked back to her, rather-- that, uh, no,
he wasn't, uh-- wasn't afraid, because he kept all of the files that he needed to do this and all the information
on just a few floppy disks, and he kept them, uh, in a hole in the wall behind his bed,
behind the-- the headstand. So the FBI ever came to investigate or something, they wouldn't find it there.
And he's saying this, and the FBI agent and I are-- are right there, both looking like, OK, we know where to look now.

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," someone gets "Helping Hands," a criminal gets a "Walked Dog, Curbed Brain," we witness "Chasing Lamey" and another struggles with "Shorts of Breath."

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode features dumb criminals caught in ridiculous situations, including a drug dealer caught by his dog and a man eating his underwear.

Key points

Dog Barks Out a Drug Dealer. A drug dealer's dog leads to his capture after a standoff with police.
Underwear Eater's Defense. A man caught for drunk driving claims he was eating his underwear to absorb alcohol.
Steak Thief's Fiery End. A man steals a barbecue but ends up in trouble when his car catches fire.
Self-Incrimination in Court. A criminal's attempt to represent himself backfires when he admits to the crime.
Thief Tripped by Technology. A computer mouse leads to the capture of a thief during a foot chase.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

Unfortunately, the dealer's dog couldn't wait any longer.

A drug dealer's dog forces him out of hiding.

1:27WatchFeb 17, 2022

Tension

30/ 100Low tension

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