America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 3, Episode 18 - Picture Perfect - Full Episode | Forensic Files

[music playing] ANNOUNCER: Tonight on "America's Dumbest Criminals," would you recognize a case of picture-perfect stupidity
developing before your eyes? He slipped down the duct thinking he was one cool customer.
But now he has no place to vent his anger. And we've all taken wrong turns. But this guy's two time zones away
from where he thought he was. Here are your directions. Sit tight. We're about to show you the lineup
of America's dumbest criminals. FEMALE OFFICER (ON RADIO): Delta 1-5-2-6, give me a call.
[theme music] [tires squealing] [siren wailing] [theme music] MAN: Duh. ANNOUNCER: Now welcome your hosts for "America's Dumbest
Criminals," Daniel Butler and Debbie Alan. -Hello. -Precious. -Hello. Hello, precious.
[laughing] -All right, if I gave you $50, would you let me cut your hair, huh? -Are you out of your mind?
-No, no, but one of the criminals who'll be on the show later tonight apparently is.
Well, we're gonna get to a guy later who's the ponytail bandit, all right? DEBBIE ALAN: It's weird.
-But now we've got a story about teenagers who thought that pictures that developed instantly literally
came out of the camera fully developed. [laughing] -Patience was clearly one of the several virtues
these kids didn't have. Not only were they caught on camera, they were caught by a camera.
Seeing is believing. [theme music] [siren wailing] -I was sent to investigate a burglary
at a sporting goods store. And when I got there, I was processing the scene. And I happened across this garbage can behind the counter.
And-- and inside the garbage can is a Polaroid camera. I asked the owner if this was his camera.
And he says, yeah, it's usually sitting on the counter to take pictures of guns on consignment that he takes in.
So I picked the camera up out of the garbage can. And underneath the camera are two
Polaroid pictures of two juveniles. -Look at this, guys. -We took the Polaroid pictures.
Uh, we come back to the police department and looked it up in the-- in the school yearbook
and matched the two pictures up to the-- the two juveniles who broke into the store and went and payed them a visit.
-Picture. JAMES ROCCO: And later, while-- when we were talking with the two juveniles, they're telling me
that they saw the camera there. And-- and he-- he took a picture of his buddy with it.
And it came out gray. He didn't know he had to wait a minute for it to develop. -This sucks.
JAMES ROCCO: So he thought the camera wasn't working. So his buddy takes the camera and says,
well, you just don't know how to do it. So his buddy takes a picture of the other one.
And he says, yeah, you're right. He says, they're both gray. So they-- they throw them in the garbage
can, uh, too dumb to realize that Polaroids take a few minutes to develop. And when they were confronted, they-- they initially denied it
until we showed them the Polaroid pictures of them inside the business. And they couldn't explain it.
It's been a long time since I've come across a couple idiots like these. -OK, girls with guns.
I know it sounds like one of those bad drive-in movies in the early '70s, you know, like "Big Bad Mama," "Chicks
with BICs," or "Switchblade Sisters." But still, it's a fitting title for our next story.
-Maybe for the first part. But keep watching as the ladies lose more than their edge.
It's tonight's edition of "Something to Remember Me By." [music playing] -These, uh, two bandits went to rob a local bank,
uh, two females wearing wigs. [music playing] Uh, they exited the bank, went outside.
And a citizen watched them. He followed them down. They went, uh, down several blocks
and were gonna dump their stolen car and get in their own car. When they got down there, uh, the citizen
approached them and disarmed one of the females. [slide whistle] WILLIAM WADEWITZ: He then gets the other gun
away from the other female robber. At this point, a-- a third subject comes up out of nowhere
and asks the citizen to give him the gun, said he was gonna help him out. He hands the guns over to this female.
Turns out this female was actually a robber. Uh, during their hasty retreat to get away,
they left their own personal vehicle there , which was registered to the female.
In the car was two wig boxes, purses with all their IDs, and everything that led to the ultimate apprehension
of these dumb criminals. -You know, in my whole life, I've never looked at an air conditioning
vent or an exhaust duct and thought, gee, I bet I could slip through there. [chuckling] -Me neither.
-Oh, come on. No, what are you talking about? With-- with your height, you could
jog through one of those-- [laughing] ---and not even bump your head. -Daniel, you are not nice.
-No, well, Tom Cruise did-- [laughing] ---in "Misison Impossible." He's short. -Watch it.
I like him. -OK. -But at least you have better sense than our next crook who did, in fact, try to crawl through a duct.
-And one more sad soul caught in a bind with no way out. Take a look. [music playing]
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): When the staff came in to open this store, they discovered they weren't alone.
Sometime in the night, an intruder had become one with their ventilation system.
-He wanted out. He wanted out. That was his ultimate thing, just get me outta here.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Firemen obliged. But undoubtedly, getting out was much harder than getting in.
-Inside the duct, I heard, uh, "Help me," and, uh, "Get me out as quick as possible."
That's all he was saying. And he was just doing a lot of moaning. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): He claimed that he entered
through this shaft to get away from people who were chasing him. Maybe, maybe not.
But one thing's for sure. They didn't find him. -Well, it's a shame that, you know, he tried to do that.
I mean, he got hurt. But, you know, you get what you pay for, you know? [chuckling]
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): At least the guy gets to shift to the considerably comfier
constraints of the tight gurney straps. [music playing] ANNOUNCER: Hey, check out another dumb law.
In New York, it's a misdemeanor to arrest a dead man for debt. -Well, our next story is about debt, sort of.
At the beginning of the show, we hinted that we may have found the son of Dracula, you know,
the undead offspring of an undead father. [laughing] Well, this story isn't quite so creepy.
But it is rather peculiar. See what you think. It stakes its claim among "America's Dumbest Excuses."
[music playing] -I see a car riding all over the road. It was weaving bad. Pulled the car over.
And it's right along the highway. It's at a Dunkin' Donuts. Uh, girl's crying hysterically when I pull her over.
And I said, well, you know, you're driving really bad. You're obviously drunk. She said, oh, no, no, my father just died.
I just left the hospital. And she produces, uh, one of those visitor passes from the hospital.
And-- and I said, well, what's that got to do with you drinking. Well, my father died.
And I was so upset, I went back to the family's house. While sitting around, I had a couple
drinks to calm my nerves. I'm not drunk. I'm just upset. I said, OK, well, you can't drive.
So she says-- I said, you have to call for a ride. She doesn't have any money for a phone call.
I give her the money for the phone call. I dial the phone for her. I hand her the phone and said, call someone.
She's talking to somebody, or supposedly talking to somebody, tells them to come pick her up.
I just tell her, don't drive the car. I leave. I'm sitting at the red light. She doesn't even wait till I leave.
She pulls out of the Dunkin' Donuts with her lights out and proceeds to drive up the highway.
Pull her over again. I arrest her, take her and the kid into the station, put her on a breathalyzer.
She's drunk. And, uh, she made a phone call for somebody to come get her. The man's in the lobby to come get her.
I have to go tell him, you know, she's gonna leave. But you can't let her drive.
And asked him who he was. And he said, well, I'm her late father. [laughing] -Ah, if he had called her from the great beyond,
I wonder if that's a long-distance call, Daniel. -Oh, yeah, you can bet that cost you more than a dime a minute,
Debbie. But every once in a while, we come across a story that isn't really about dumb criminals.
It's more about dumb situations. Here's one about two fifth graders in love. But when one gives the other a peck on the mouth,
they end up in a bushel of trouble. It's our kinder, gentler version of a "Bluelight Special."
[music playing] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Another scandalous relationship hits the press.
And, no, it didn't take place in the White House. It's Atlantis Elementary. David and Ashley, two fifth-grade students,
were suspended for a day because they were kissing in the school hallway. And the two lovebirds were barred
from going on a chorus trip to Tallahassee. Later, the school board reversed its decision
and allowed the couple to go, but only if their parents would chaperone the trip.
David, did you or did you not have relations with that woman? Any comments? -I want everybody to stop staring at me and stuff.
I'm like-- DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Ashley? -Let us go back to Tallahassee, like,
forget about the whole thing, and just drop it. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The student handbook
says that students who engage in public affection may be suspended only after being warned first.
-I said, you're making it sound like my child and David has got some kind of disease of some sort.
And you're displacing him from the other children. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): In the end,
the kids did go on their trip. They're back in school. And all is well with the world.
-A little bit later, we're gonna meet the Secret Agent Man of Suffolk County, New York.
But now with news from a guy who puts the anchor in anchorman. Here's Daniel with "ADC Headlines."
-I'm touched. Gosh. You know, motorcycle helmets are generally considered valuable safety devices.
But they weren't so good at protecting the anonymity of this stick-up artist at an Austin pizza parlor.
The robber hid his face behind the headgear but apparently forgot that both his nickname
and full legal name were boldly emblazoned on the side of the helmet. Tommy, rail splitter, you know.
Here's a story of a thief who was willing to work for his loot. A man was disappointed with this take when
robbing a Topeka convenience store. So he tied up the clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours to increase his plunder. Sensing something was not right, police
nabbed the guy before he called it quits. I think he was shortchanging people. I'm not sure.
A company in Arizona called Guns for Hire stages gun fights for Western movies and special events.
But they received a request for an event that was not only special, it was illegal.
A woman believing them to be an association of hit men inquired about having her husband killed.
They turned her down and then turned her in. So she won't be riding off into the sunset anytime soon.
And that closes the file on "ADC Headlines," news ripped-- [paper ripping] --from somewhere near the back of your local newspaper.
Debbie. [laughing] -What happens when you mix the fairytale of "Rapunzel" with the story of Samson and Delilah?
You get the escapades of a mixed-up man who was obsessed with the idea of cutting off a woman's ponytail.
Watch this hairy, scary look at a very strange crime. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): Do you have any idea what this is?
No, it's not your ordinary bag of hair. It's a severed ponytail chopped from the head of Anita Rayner.
ANITA RAYNER: And she just kept pulling on it and pulling on it. I thought she was just trying to readjust
my ponytail or something. I didn't know she was readjusting it in that fashion. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): The culprit found his victims
by calling hair salons and conning stylists into cutting off the ponytails of innocent customers.
-We've kind of taught the receptionist, he's just kind of got a strange fetish. Hang up on the guy.
Um, we never thought anything would actually come from it. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): Except a bag of hair or two.
After this hair-raising experience, Anita filed a restraining order against the ponytail bandit.
ANITA RAYNER: Something needs to be done with this man. I mean, he-- he's out on bail right now.
Is he making more phone calls at his house? I mean, he should be in jail right now.
DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): And how does Anita feel about this ponytail bandit? ANITA RAYNER: He's a weirdo.
He's sick. He has urges. [laughing] You know, who knows? What other kind of urges does he have?
DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): Mm, only his hairdresser knows for sure. But life goes on for Anita.
She still has her pride and a big bag of hair. -OK, smoking pot is illegal. Driving under the influence of anything that
turns your brain into silly putty is stupid. But here's a fella who just kept off the grass,
but he's getting ready to be mowed down. It's a tidbit we call, "I'm Where? You're Who?"
[music playing] -Well, recently, while on patrol, I was in a two-man unit. And we pulled up to a red light at Sahara and Maryland Parkway.
Uh, this white van pulls up to my right. I casually glance to the right, make eye contact
with the driver, He makes eye contact with me. I think nothing of it. -The light turns green.
We start to drive away. And this guy is obviously in some kind of hurry. JACK SNYDER: The van pulls away at a high rate of speed.
[tires squealing] He peels out and takes off. I look over at my partner. I say, Joe, let's, uh, follow this guy.
-He continues to accelerate. Speed limit's 45. I start following him at his speed,
get up to 75 miles per hour. This gentleman's weaving in and out of traffic. And I'm like, OK, you know, I've got
enough probable cause to stop you now. -The trooper hits the red lights. -He just continues to go.
I follow him for about a half mile with my lights and siren on behind him. JACK SNYDER: It's like he doesn't see us,
or he doesn't wanna see us. [siren wailing] Finally, he pulls over. Uh, Joe exits the police car and goes up
and makes contact to the driver. JOSEPH WINGARD: He was nervous from the very beginning.
Started talking to him, tell him why I stopped him. And while I'm talking to him, I started to detect the, uh,
smell of marijuana. Why don't you do me a favor? Why don't you step out of the car real quick for me. please?
So I get him out of the vehicle. I handcuff him. So I ask him, you know, quite bluntly, sir,
is there any marijuana in the vehicle? He looks at me, kind of with a confused look on his face,
like he's kind of sh-- shocked that I asked. And says, well, you might find a joint in the ashtray.
I glance down in the ashtray. And right there in plain view is an-- is a joint. At that point, I ask him again.
Well, sir, now I'm gonna look in the vehicle quite extensively. Am I gonna find any drugs in the vehicle, other than that joint?
-Yes, sir. -OK. -He says, you got anything else in the car? And he says, yeah, well, you might find a pound of marijuana
in the center console. -I might find? You're not sure? JACK SNYDER: In fact, that was the case.
He had just bought a pound of marijuana. Well, I'm standing back at the car looking face to face with this guy.
And he's got this real sad look on his face. And I kind of looked at him and said,
that's why they call it dope. He looked at me and just dropped his eyes. And that was it.
We thought it was kind of funny that, uh, he would do that right in front of a police car
and after looking at us. But I guess that short-term memory loss, uh, was cut down
to about 20 seconds in this case. -I'll admit, I'm not always great about following directions.
And sometimes, I have a tough time with a road map. But I have never, ever been as confused as this guy.
See what I mean. -I work in San Diego. But I'm originally from Texas. And I lived in Houston and several
of the suburbs between Houston and Galveston. So one day, I come up on this person
on the side of the roadway who appears to be asleep behind the wheel. But the motor's running.
And they're just sitting there with their hands on the wheel. And knock on the window, and he stomps on the brake
and grabs the wheel real quick when he realizes we're out there. Well, there's a real strong odor of alcohol.
So I get him out of the car. And I start asking him questions that we always ask people
that we suspect may be under the influence of alcohol. And I say, well, where were you drinking?
And he says, well, a friend's house. Well, all of a sudden, he starts giving me answers that he's in Houston.
I said, well, where do you think you are now? And because we're under an overpass where he can't really
see, he says, well, I think I'm on southbound 45 somewhere between Houston and Galveston.
So through a series of questions, we narrow it down to exactly what off ramp he's
on on the freeway between Houston and Galveston, Texas. So I give him-- ask him a few more questions, and then
eventually, you know, decide he's under the influence of alcohol and arrest him.
And I said, well, now I'm sorry to tell you this, sir. But you're not in Houston.
You're in California. He said, yeah, right. Yeah, I'm in California, sure. And I says, well, you see the patch on my shoulder here?
It says "California Highway Patrol." And he says, yeah, sure, uh-huh, I-- now I got it.
My Coast Guard buddies put you up to this. You're not even really a law enforcement officer.
I said, no, buddy. Not only am I a law enforcement officer, but you're under arrest for driving under the influence.
You're in California. Well, he didn't believe me. Well, I show him the side of the patrol car.
It says "Highway Patrol" on it. I says, there's no Highway Patrol in Texas. There's a Department of Public Safety.
-Oh, this is a joke. PHIL KONSTANTIN: That's what it says. What had happened was he was being
shipped from Galveston to Houston. He had driven straight through, lost a lot of sleep
there, stopped over to get, uh, several drinks, and completely forgot what state he was in.
So we go to the jail. Well, he actually had to see three separate deputies that said "San Diego County" on their shoulders
before he even believed them. [music playing] -Do you remember the song (SINGING) secret agent man?
Do you remember that? -Sing a little bit more. -(SINGING) Secret agent man. -Great tune. -Do you remember it?
-Recorded by Johnny Rivers. I think it hit the top of the charts in spring of about 1966.
-What? Who are you, Casey Kasem? [laughing] -What? -No, but working with you, it just pays to be on my toes.
-Yeah, well, that's not gonna make you that much taller. -Ah, I think you were talking about "Secret Agent Man."
-Yes, yes, well, it seems that our crook loved that song. But in a very strange twist of fate,
that tune caused him to expose his own secret. His story is a prime suspect for "We're Not Making This Up."
[music playing] -One of the dumbest things I ever saw a criminal do was about a year and a half ago.
I was on a surveillance on a case, a credit card case. It was kind of a-- like a quiet location.
There wasn't much going on, kind of bored. I cranked up the AM/FM radio. And I got one of the local radio stations.
A guy got on the radio station. And he, um, made a request. He said, hi, uh, this is Tomas Georgievich.
And I'm working as a security guard right now. And, uh, I'm kinda bored watching
the-- the janitors clean up here. And I feel like I'm a secret agent when I'm doing this.
Can, uh, you play "Secret Agent." I said to myself, Tomas Georgievich? Tomas Georgievich?
Thomas Georgievich? Tomas Georgievich? He says, I know that name. [ding] He said, one of the guys is looking
to arrest Tomas Georgievich for a bunch or warrants. He says, we've been looking for Tomas
for a while, haven't been able to find him. And that's gotta be him. So I went back to my office.
I got a picture. Went over to the state office building. And there in a security guard uniform
was Tomas Georgievich, the guy we've been looking for for about six, seven months.
-Yeah, well, what are the chances of that happening? -Definitely not as great as the chance
that we'll be back here next week. -Oh, I wouldn't miss it. And I hope you'll make plans to be here, too.
-We've had fun tonight. But beneath the laughter, there is a very serious point to be made.
Any crime is a dumb crime. -For goodness sake, for one week, stay out of trouble, huh?
[laughing] -We also wanna commend police officers like the ones you've met tonight.
They do such a great job. And we wanna say thank you for their tireless efforts.
-But now I think it's time for us to retire for the evening. But don't fear. There's more dumb to come next time.
-If you've got a lead on a story or just can't wait till next week for more state-of-the-art stupidity, visit our website--
---at www.dumbcrimes.com. -As always, we've hoped that we've all learned from others' mistakes.
-But if you haven't, we just might see you next week on "America's Dumbest Criminals."
-Goodbye. [theme music] MAN: Duh. [music playing]

In this episode of “America’s Dumbest Criminals,” we’ll witness a developing case of picture perfect stupidity, a clumsy duct-dwelling criminal with nowhere to vent his anger and a dope two time zones from his destination.

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode highlights foolish criminals caught in absurd situations, including a duct escape and mistaken identities.

Key points

The Ponytail Bandit. A man with a strange obsession cuts off women's ponytails, leading to a restraining order.
Drunk Driving Confusion. A driver thinks he's in Texas while actually in California, leading to a DUI arrest.
Unexpected Discovery. A radio request leads to the discovery of a wanted man working as a security guard.
A Serious Point. Amid the laughter, a reminder that any crime is a dumb crime.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

Duh.

1:01WatchMar 3, 2022

Tension

40/ 100Low tension

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