America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 1, Episode 9 - Don't Call the Police - Full Episode | Forensic Files

NARRATOR: This is an ADC Warning. The crimes you are about to see are true. Only the names were changed to protect the ignorant.
[theme music] NARRATOR: Tonight on "America's Dumbest Criminals," you'll see a break-in at the wrong house,
a pantie plucker who has to pay the piper, and a dumb criminal who almost got away.
These are just a few of America's dumbest criminals. -Welcome to "America's Dumbest Criminals."
I'm Daniel Butler. If you find yourself tempted to commit one of the crimes portrayed on this show,
you may be stupid, and eligible for our Witless Protection Plan. But right now, you're about to meet
the elite of the criminally inept as we open the files on America's dumbest criminals.
NARRATOR: Our first case comes from St. Louis, Missouri, a case we call "Red Hot Robbery."
Two men entered a convenience store, demanding cash, but they had no weapons. The crime wasn't working out like the ones on TV,
so they were ready to call it a day, but not before one of the dummies stole a hot dog
and crammed it into his mouth. Now he's choking on the weenie he just stole. The clerk calls 911, as the robber is completely
obstructed by the purloined pork product. Would he receive death by hot dog for foiled hot stop robbery?
-There he is. Right there. That's the jerk. NARRATOR: It was up to the police to save the robber's life.
Will they get the weenie out? Will he return the last of the stolen merchandise?
Yes! We have the weenie back. Let's see that one more time. Yes, there it is. The weenie has been returned.
The man was arrested, later convicted, and put on pork probation and given a heavy frankfurter fine.
-It's enough to put a lump in your throat, isn't it? NARRATOR: It is against the law to possess a machine gun.
It is also against the law to dress like a clown and possess a really big shotgun.
A good safe cracker is considered to be a specialist. It requires a surgeon's hand, a gambler's touch,
and the finesse of a puppeteer. -I went on a call. And it was a burglary, and it was a burglary of a business.
And these people had a safe. The burglars came in, and they used jacks, and sledgehammers
and drills in that safe, and then all kind of things, too. I mean just completely destroyed it, never did get into it.
So I came in to take the report as a police officer. -Well, this ain't been around for 20 years.
They used some sort of sledgehammer on it. -They said, what makes us mad is they
went and destroyed this safe. And he says, the only thing we have it here for is looks.
And he said, it's not even locked, and all he would have had to have done was turn the handles
and open it up. NARRATOR: ADC Quiz number 143. As of 1994, which of the following four states
had the largest prison population? Was it A, Florida; B, Texas; C, New York; or D, California.
The correct answer is D, California. Probably because of their great prison entertainment programs.
When a burglar entered the home of two elderly sisters through an unlocked window, he thought
he was in for some easy pickings. He thought wrong. This lady grabbed her cane, and just whaled on him.
-He came in that window over there. See he-- he unlatched it, and raised it. And then I asked my sister, I said now,
are the windows all closed. She said, yes. -And I said, I'm going to take this stick,
and I'm not gonna stop until I beat you to death, or either you go. And it wasn't long before he hollers out,
please stop hitting my penis. Please stop. And I kept on whaling on him right in the same spot.
I know at least three times. -Is this is a swell country, or what? NARRATOR: Coming up on "America's Dumbest Criminals,"
an undercover officer gets assistance from an unusual source. NARRATOR: Our next dumb criminal made the mistake of blinking,
drinking, and driving. -I was working midnight shift one-- one night, and it was like 3 o'clock, 3:30 in the morning,
that boring time when you're trying to stay awake. And I'm driving down one of our main drags,
and there's no other car on the road except me. And this other car that's coming at me,
and his emergency flashers are flashing. So I didn't have anything else to do, and it is against the law to ride with your flashers on.
So I turned around, and I was going to make sure the guy didn't need anything. And I pulled him over, and I walked up to his car.
And I said, is everything OK? He says, yeah, why? I said, well you're emergency flashers are on.
-Well the reason why I stopped you, your flashers are on. -Oh, yeah. Well, that's because I'm really, really drunk.
And I didn't want anybody to hit my car. -So, I promptly arrested for drunk driving
as he stumbled out of his car. NARRATOR: The man was arrested for driving under the influence, but not for flashing.
And now, actual surveillance cam footage of a neighborhood crack dealer. -We received a lot of complaints from this area town concerning
street-level drug dealers, basically taking over the neighborhood. So what we did is we went to this area,
and did what we call a drug sweep, where we go into a neighborhood, we try to arrest as many drug dealers as we can,
and those that we can't arrest, we run them off of that street corner. NARRATOR: This is actual surveillance cam
footage of an undercover officer. He's the one in the white shirt and blue jeans.
He's been trying for several hours to sell drugs, and couldn't get one car to stop.
Then he was approached by the helpful citizen in the white shorts who wanted to teach
the officer how to sell crack. To demonstrate, he flagged down the first car that came by.
Unfortunately, that car contained two other undercover officers who were bringing our narcotics officer lunch.
Now everyone in the picture is a cop, except the guy leaning in the window in the white shorts.
-Let me tell you something, all right? -And we were just all in a state of shock,
couldn't believe that this guy was-- was that stupid, to not only sell to two undercover cops,
but get the cocaine from an undercover cop, which in return he sold us. And as we get out of the car, he just
started-- he just sat there, and he just said, I can't believe I did this. And he went to jail for possession of cocaine,
the sale and delivery of cocaine. NARRATOR: And now, inside the courtroom for trial and error.
An officer tells on the stand how two dumb criminals had their number come up. -Officer Word, what did you find at the scene of the crime?
-Well uh-- we discovered a cash machine, with a chain attached to it, and a loose bumper.
The chain was fastened to a loose bumper that was just lying in the road. -Well, with only a chain attached to a cash machine,
and the chain fastened to a broken bumper, how could you suspect my clients? -Well, the bumper still had their license plate on it.
NARRATOR: In Kentucky, it used to be against the law for a boy to ask a girl in a bikini on a date.
But you could propose marriage to a giant girl in a bonnet. -Now we've all heard the saying, there's
never a cop around when you need one. Well, we're finding out that for the criminal at least,
there's always a cop around when you don't want one. Here is "Don't call the Police."
-Well this one is about a-- a break-in at my house. I used to work uh-- 11:00 to 7:00 shift.
And I had been to court uh-- uh-- most all that morning when I got off work from 11:00 to 7:00 shift.
And I got home about one o'clock in the afternoon. So I went to bed. And uh-- I was awakened by a crash at the window.
[glass breaking] TIMOTHY WALKER: Somebody had thrown a brick through the window.
So I jumped up, put on my clothes, started looking around the house from the inside,
but I didn't turn on any lights. And uh-- I could see this guy on the side of my house, you know,
and it looked like he was gonna-- gonna come in. So I was just in the hallway with my gun,
and I had radioed for some-- some officers to come and give me some assistance. And he came into the house.
And when he came in, he came in with his head down. And by the time he looked up, I had my gun in his face,
and I turned the light on. And he started begging for his life. -Please don't call the police.
Please don't call the police. Please. -Please, please don't call the police. And I said to him, I said, fool look around.
I am the police. So, you know, not only did he get a house where he thought nobody was home, but he got a house where somebody was home
and it was the police. So that-- I thought that was a pretty dumb story. NARRATOR: Coming up on "America's Dumbest Criminals,"
a dealer who would like to be formally introduced to his arresting officer. [theme music]
-Officer Dimitri Cannon once told ADC that you might not think you're a dumb criminal, but drugs and alcohol
can make you as dumb as want to be. Here's proof, about 90 proof. -Did you ever see Otis Campbell on Andy Griffith?
The guy looked like that to start with. He's got, you know, thinning gray hair, kind of heavyset round face.
And uh-- I get a call that there's a-- at the-- it's the Royal Go-go. It's a-- it's a bar here.
And it sits right next to the interstate. But to get-- you can't just go from the club
to the interstate, because there's like an eight-foot drop, or maybe five-foot drop off the parking lot
before you get to the interstate. But the drunks always want to drive off straight
to the interstate, because it's right there at the on ramp. Well, I get there, and there's a car,
front tires off-- off the ledge there. The front-- the back tires are smoking. And I walk up the door, and he's in there driving,
and he's looking like he's waiting to get to the interstate, like he just thinks he's driving.
So I knock on his window, and looks at me, and like he's surprised I'm keeping up
with him without a car, or something. It was just really funny. I get him out of the car, and of course, he's drunk.
He's wet on himself, and he's staggering, looking just like Otis Campbell. -Was I speeding, officer?
-Probably. NARRATOR: The driver was arrested for DUI, and could have been issued a DAI,
driving above the interstate. In Atlantic City it used to be against the law to dunk your doughnuts with your fingers.
And thus was born the doughnut on the string. And now, the story of a dumb criminal who was guilty
of everything, but being tardy. -It's about 9 o'clock at night, I was running radar.
It was a 35-mile-an-hour zone, and this lady comes around the curve doing 52 miles an hour in a brand new Mercedes.
I clocked her in, locked it in. I turned on my blue lights. Before she even got up to the car,
she went ahead and pulled over. And I swung in behind her. I walked up to the car, ma'am may I
see your driver's license. Yes, officer. And she handed me her driver's license.
She says, officer I have one question. I said, what's that? And she said, how long have you been sitting
there waiting to pull somebody over? I said, about three minutes. She said, well I got here as fast as I could.
-It should be obvious by now that a lot of policemen and women have a good sense of humor.
The driver was let off with a warning. NARRATOR: In Missouri, it used to be against the law
to drive with an uncaged bear. But it was legal to roll an elephant down the road
sideways. And now let's go to Knoxville, Tennessee, where Foster Arnett is about to tell us of a brainless bank
robber who thought he saw a window of opportunity. -Where we got a call of an armed robbery in progress,
and when we got there uh-- the tellers and-- and the people inside the bank were
rather hysterical laughing. And the officer asked, what was so funny. And-- and the story goes that this suspect pulled
into the drive-up teller window. He gets out of his car, pulls a gun and tells the teller that he wants all the money,
and she just started laughing at him. -Give me your money. Give me all your money right now in there.
Come on. Give me your money, now. Money-- what-- what are you laughing at? What?
-It's bullet-proof glass. There's nothing you can do. MICHAEL CULBERSON: And he cursed, and just turned around
and walked off. NARRATOR: This dumb criminal's attempted withdrawal led to his early deposit in jail.
And now actual surveillance cam footage of a dumb criminal we call "The Pantie Plucker."
Vickie Vance noticed undergarments missing every wash day from her line. So Vickie Vance set up her own clothes line surveillance cam.
That night, Vickie Vance was vexed when she viewed the video. There was transient truck driver, Peter Piedmont,
plucking panties big as day. Peter plucked a plethora of panties, but then he panicked.
Now Peter is paying for his pantie plucking in the pen. Now a case we call, hi, my name is Steve.
I'll be your dealer today. -I went to this bar here in town which is a bar that it's just
known for people that hang out in the bar, involved in illegal drugs. And uh-- I went in this bar one day,
and I was actually looking for a particular person. Meanwhile, this other guy is standing there,
and I start talking to him, and we talked for probably 30 minutes, and I said, it was getting late
and I was fixing to want to leave and go home. So I said, I'll just do a-- take a shot in the dark.
And I asked him, I said-- -You don't know where I can get any reefer, do you? UNDERCOVER OFFICER: And he sat there.
And he said, as a matter of fact I do. Now the whole time I'm sitting here thinking how am I going to find out who this guy is?
Because if I arrest him on the spot, then everybody else in there is going to be aware that I am a police officer.
And that hinders me for the next time I go in this bar. So we go out, and I'm still worried,
how am I going to identify this guy? But right before he pulled a bag of pot of his pocket,
and right before he sold it to me, he said-- -Yeah, I don't know. You could be a cop for all I know.
Have you got any ID on you? -Yeah, yeah sure. I-- now I don't know you either. I mean maybe I should see some ID.
-That's cool. UNDERCOVER OFFICER: And he opens up his wallet, and hands me his driver's license,
and I memorize his name, his date of birth, and his home address off of his driver's license.
So we made the sale. He left, and I wrote it down. And I got a warrant for him to pick
him up at his house a week later. [sirens] [theme music] NARRATOR: Now, a stick-up man who doesn't stick around long.
This is actual surveillance cam footage of a man entering a store who pulls out a rifle from under his jacket.
He demands the money, and as the clerk opens the drawer, our dumb criminal goes to pick the pocket
of the elderly gentleman. But watch what he does with the gun. He's laid it down on the counter.
What was this dumb criminal thinking? Can I just set this here while I pick the old guy's pocket?
And what was old man thinking? If he were 20 years younger, he'd grab that gun. And the clerk was thinking, gosh, I am 20 years younger.
I can grab that gun. So he does. Now watch what happens when the clerk tries to return the man's gun.
Sir, sir, I believe this is yours. Do you recognize the bullets? The largest jailbreak in history occurred in Tehran, Iran
when retired colonel Arthur "Bull" Simmons led a band of 14 to free two imprisoned Americans.
11,000 other prisoners took advantage of the break. Unfortunately, the escape route went right
through the city's open sewer. You've heard the rhetorical question why do you think they call it dope?
Well here's why. -We were working a reverse stand one time with another city. We had a drug task force doing street-level narcotics
enforcement. And we put police officers out on the street posing as-- as crack dealers.
Business was so good we had about 10-12 guys in this little room that needed to be
transported over to the jail. So we had this Sergeant come over in a van that had police written all over it.
We were kind of taking a break. And um-- and so he gets out. And he has on a black t-shirt with big block letters,
says police all over it, and his gun belt. And, you know, obviously a police officer in a police van.
And he went inside, and he was leading this big pack of people all in handcuffs and shackles back out to the van.
And a guy walked up and tried to buy crack from them. Like right there, with a van, and like 12 prisoners.
And this-- this Sergeant with police written all over it on his t-shirt. So that was definitely the dumbest
criminal I've ever seen in my life. -I'd like to take a moment to thank the law enforcement
officers of the world who have such a hard time keeping a straight face. Thanks to those brave officers, and to you for watching.
I'm Daniel Butler saying don't be dumb, don't break the law. [theme music] [theme music]

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," we'll witness a break in at the wrong house, a panty plucker who has to pay the piper and a dumb criminal who almost got away.

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode highlights foolish criminals, including a choking robber and an elderly woman who fought off a burglar.

Key points

Red Hot Robbery. Two robbers attempt a heist but end up choking on a hot dog.
Don't Call the Police. A burglar breaks into a house only to find the homeowner is a police officer.
The Pantie Plucker. A transient truck driver gets caught stealing underwear from a clothesline.
Dumbest Criminal Ever. A man tries to buy drugs from a police van full of prisoners.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

Only the names were changed to protect the ignorant.

0:10WatchDec 2, 2021

Tension

40/ 100Low tension

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