America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 2, Episode 2 - Towing Nowhere Fast - Full Episode | Forensic Files

-Greetings, law-abiding viewers. I'm Daniel Butler, and this is America's Dumbest Criminals.
[theme music] NARRATOR: On this episode of America's Dumbest Criminals-- NARRATOR: On this episode of America's Dumbest Criminals--
On America's Dumbest Criminals and now here's down Daniel Butler. -Trying to outrun the police is stupid.
Because it always ends up the same way. You get caught. But this dumb driver obviously watched just a little too much
TV and took a detour that almost sent him on the I-40 westbound to Heaven. You see, the car was being driven
at speeds of over 100 miles for quite awhile. But, as in all chases, the highway patrol
stayed back, waiting for him to slow down and give up. Well, he appeared to be doing a Jack Kerouac
until he exited where there was no exit. He took this leap of faith that catapulted him into the air,
through a tree, and flipped his car over to the freeway below. It looked grim. We all assumed that he had met his maker
and was already strumming that big harp in the sky, when he crawled out of the car and continued
his escape on foot. However, he didn't get far and soon found himself cooling his heels in a nice, stationary jail cell, which
was just a hop, skip, and a jump away. You know, sometimes people just don't know when to hush
and say thank you. Like this stubborn Texas woman. -How you doing today? Could you turn down the music, please?
Go ahead and turn off the motor for a second. -Sure, what's the problem, Officer?
-Your windows are tinted too dark. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): An officer did a routine stop on a car with tinted windows, which
are illegal in Texas for safety reasons. Cops need to be able to see into a vehicle
before approaching it. The woman driver refused to believe that there was such a law.
-How do you know if my windows are too dark? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): All the officer
was trying to do was let the woman know it was the law, and that she should simply get it corrected.
-I'll probably give you a warning this time. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): But she said, no.
Her husband, who had tinted the windows himself, would never believe it. -Well, I'm just gonna give you a warning, Ma'am.
-I know, but I need something written down, 'cause I need to show it to my husband.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): And insisted that the officer give her something in writing to prove to her husband
that it was really a violation. Well, by this point, the officer was tired of trying to reason
with the chatty Cathy and finally just gave her what she wanted. -I'll be right back.
-OK. OK. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): A ticket. -Have a nice day. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Be careful what you ask for.
You just might get it. An Officer Garcia, AKA John Tatarakas, tells us about how he managed to arrest a prostitute
on the stroll, who warned him about a cop that looked just like him. -One day I go up on the stroll.
This little girl is there, and I stop. And she says, is your name Garcia? I said, no.
My name is Tatarakas. Why? She says, well, my girls told me to be careful, because of a Vice cop named Garcia.
So I gotta be on the look out for him. -I says, hell no. If there's a cop here, I'm leaving.
I sure in the heck don't wanna get arrested. It would be embarrassing for me and my family.
She says, no, no, no. Wait minute. wait a minute. I says, well, what does Garcia look like?
So when I see him, I can know, and I'll get out of here. So she looks, and she described me to a T. She described me.
So I says, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I said, look at me. You described me. I look like Garcia.
I says, I'm getting the hell outta here. I don't wanna get arrested. She says, no, no, no. Wait a minute.
She looks around and says, I don't see him. I don't see him. -He continued his charade further by asking her,
what kind of car he drove. -She took a couple steps back and said, a blue one, just like yours.
I says, my god. I'm getting outta here. I'm driving a cop car. I look like a cop.
I'm getting out. She says, no, no. Wait a minute. She looks around. He's not here.
-After all the chances he gave this woman to save herself, she still propositioned him and was arrested
by the cop that looked exactly like him. -So I got my solicitation, put her under arrest,
and she says, oh my god. How dumb can I get? I said, pretty stupid. -You know, it seems like criminals
are always getting themselves into jams. Now here's the story of one Florida dope who drove into one.
Responding to a robbery in progress call, Lake Mary police chief Richard Beary played a hunch
and drove to a lesser used road out of town, figuring the crook would avoid the main drag.
-Well, what do you know? Here he is. Gotcha, sucker. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): He was dead right,
and the crook was plain out of luck when he got stuck in a traffic jam during his get-away.
Instead of counting his dough, the stalled stick-up band should have been looking at a map.
-Don't move. -It's not mine. -Shut up! DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): But it was too late for this guy
anyway. Stuck in the carfool lane, he found out all dumb roads lead to the same place.
-Get outta the car. -It's not mine! -Shut up. -Everyone knows that, in the end, a life of crime
just won't pan out. One dumb couple learned that the hard way, and a convenience
store clerk was reminded of it the even harder way recently, in a crime story that all the critics will definitely pan.
In a convenience store in Conroe, Texas, a '90s couple decided they were the new Bonnie and Clyde when
they were actually dumb and dumber. Their weapon of choice is a frying pan. The short order robber cracked the clerk over the head
and got away with the cash. But he and his wife had forgotten one thing. Yes, believe it or not, their pan plan
went to pot when the clueless couple left a couple big ones for the police. Her purse with her ID and vital information, as well as the pan
itself. Fortunately, the clerk was not seriously harmed and was back on the job a few days later,
while the unskillet robbers were easily picked up on charges of aggravated robbery.
They're now doing unskillet labor at the workhouse. -Don't move. We'll be right back.
NARRATOR: Coming up next on America's Dumbest Criminal-- -You have the right to remain seated.
-Welcome to another edition of Crimes of the Week. I'm Daniel Butler, and this is the Beaumont Bacon.
-Daniel, I am so sorry that I'm late. -It's OK. No, it's all right. -No, I'm gonna tell you.
There was a power outage in my building that-- [electric crackle] -There. See? It's still surging over here.
-Yeah. -The lights are dimming. -But it's fine. Let's just move on. Let's get to the--
-Now get this. An airplane landed on the freeway. [airplane flying low] -What? -Then took off again.
-It wasn't on the news. -It will be. I mean, that's pretty big if you think an airplane landed on I-40.
-No. -What-- what's a good place here? -No. -I'm telling you. It's there. -I'm not buying.
You were late. OK. Let's just go on. -All right, listen. I-- I hit the snooze button.
-Fine. The truth. All right. Let's get started. -Would a UFO had been better? If I said, like a-- [ufo noises]
-Maybe a comet. A comet. Maybe a comet. -The whole-- -But OK. But at least you did put a little thought into it,
Beaumont, unlike our first story. An officer in Louisiana sent us this candidate for worst alibi.
Caught on videotape, a convenience store robber insisted that the man on the surveillance tape
was not him but, in fact, his evil twin brother that his mother had never told him about.
He even wore the evil twin's clothes to his court date, oddly enough. -Well, what I'm wondering is if his mother never told him
about his evil twin, then, you know, then how did he know he had one? And where did he get the clothes?
-Evil Twins 'R Us. Somewhere like that. -Look, the only reason I ask is that I think I--
I think I might have found our evil guy-- the twin. -Really? -Yes, 'cause this guy went into a bank
and handed the teller a stick-up note. She started to get out the money, but he quickly passed one of his own deposit
slips and said, you know, just put it into my account. So it just goes to show you.
Even with a clever robber like this, one slip and you're caught. -Yeah, it really simplified things.
Here's another guy, Beaumont, whose mind was slipping. This young man walked into a company,
sat right down in the boss's office. The boss was not in the office, but saw the young man enter from across the hall.
-He was a little concerned, because he had left $1,000 in cash in a cash box in one of the desk drawers.
As the boss approached the office, a young man greeted him at the door, quickly shoved his resume into his hand and said, gotta run,
and fled. Sure enough, the money was gone, but the young man's address wasn't. You see, his resume was factual.
And after they picked him up, they were able to pass it on the county jail where he was guaranteed work for at least three to five years.
Beaumont? -How come he had a thousand-- how did the kid know that he had $1,000 of cash in his desk.
-He was looking where he shouldn't look. You know? Temptation raised its ugly head.
-There you go. There you go. And now from all the stories sent to us this week from around the country, we have always, just as usual,
selected the vidiot of the week. An Australian policewoman brought a suspect in for questioning.
-Are you gonna fess up to this or not? -No. I didn't do anything. BEAUMONT BACON (VOICEOVER): She presented him with his arrest
report and told him he had no choice but to fess up, 'cause it was all there in black and white.
[knock on door] MAN: Open up please. BEAUMONT BACON (VOICEOVER): There was a knock on the door,
and she got up to answer it, and while her back was turned, the starving stooge attempted to destroy
the evidence by-- by chewing it. He was chewing on it for all he was worth. That's right.
-Feeding. -What did you just do? -What're you doing? -What did you just do? You swallowed it up?
[interposing voices] We have three other copies. Spit it out. -What our delinquent diner didn't realize
was that like all good government departments, the police do everything in triplicates.
-Of course, but if this hasn't changed his evil ways, at least it changed his diet.
-I think he's regular now. -High fiber. Omaha police officer Will O'Deere Jr. was working a traffic accident which
reduced traffic down to one lane. Angry motorists began to honk their horns. It seems a couple had stopped their car in the middle
of the one lane and were now having a tremendous argument. -I was looking-- -What do you want?
-Why are you guys parked in the middle of the road here? -We're having a argument.
-No, this is not a good place to have an argument. -No, we don't need you right now.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Well, from there belligerent attitudes coupled with the strong smell
of alcohol, the office ordered the couple to the side of the road, and called for a tow truck.
-Ah, it smells like a brewery in here. -No. -Aw, yeah. -Maybe it is. -Well, I need you to step out of the car.
OK? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The angry, intoxicated husband began to walk away just as the tow truck was arriving.
It seemed things were going smoothly when suddenly the officer heard shouts and turn to see the tow truck
driver laying on the ground and the drunk husband jumping into the car behind the wheel.
Although he had walked away, he had crawled back on his hands and knees and was attempting to drive the car away.
The man was arrested and charged with multiple violations, including assault and battery on the tow truck driver.
Let's face it. This was one dumb criminal who was definitely towing nowhere fast.
This next story is about a teenager who gets into a lot of trouble, and a television
set that really gets around. You see, a woman had her apartment broken into. Her television set, her VCR, her CDs, and her jewelry
had all been stolen. But she could tell the officers what the thief looked like,
and she could point right across the hall to where the thief lived. While the police were interviewing victim,
the suspect came walking down the hallway and right up to them. -There he is. There he is.
That's him right now. -Hey, buddy. Hang on just a second. I wanna talk to you. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Within moments, he confessed,
and the police recovered almost all of the stolen items except for the television, which was at another location.
-I can't believe it. Wherever we move, cops are always hassling us. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): But now here's
where the story changes channels. When the youth took the police to the apartment
where he'd stashed the television, the police couldn't help but notice in identifying the label
on the TV that said, Western Trails Motel. The youth insisted he had stolen it from his neighbor,
so the police went back to talk to the victim. Oh man. You guys are back so fast.
-How you doing? -Good. Good. -I have some good news for you. -Oh good. You found my stuff.
-Yes, but we have some bad news too. Not all that stuff is yours. That TV set? That's from Western Trails Motel.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Despite her protest of innocence, the police were able to prove
that the woman, who had been the victim, had been a guest at the Western Trails Motel
two days before with her boyfriend, and the television had been missing from its room.
The police went down to the station with the victim and the perpetrator in the front and the perpetrator
in the back of the squad car. NARRATOR: Coming up Next on America's Dumbest Criminals--
stealing the stolen. Always on the job. And, oh no! Mr. Bill? -Go back to the couch, and assume the position.
-It's the very rare criminal who will disappear without a trace. Usually they're so dumb they'll even trace an outline
around the scene of their own dumb crime. You don't believe it? Take a look at this next chump.
An already intoxicated individual was being denied entrance to a bar, told by the bouncers
that he didn't have a proper ID. -Well, if I had a drink here, then I'll just walk out.
-Look, you're not gonna get a drink here. You've had enough. Go find me a good ID and you're welcome to come
back and talk to me, OK? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Just then, two Phoenix police
officers arrived on the silly scene. -Can you tell that this is me? -Yeah, that looks like you.
-I just wanna-- -You're sure it's you? -Yes, that-- that's me. Can you-- can you check that please?
And just let him know that-- that it's me. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The request was honored,
and the policeman found something very interesting. -I have some bad news for you. -It's me, right?
-It's you. It sure is. Turn around and put your hands behind your back. Palms together.
Spread your legs. We're arresting you for warrants. -Told you it was me. -And so ends the case of the good ID and the bad idea.
It seems that when you decide to break the law, things just don't go your way. Take the next two star-crossed duffers for example.
They managed to escape from prison, steal a car, and immediately pulled off another robbery.
Oddly enough though, they found themselves in the same street as a patrol car. And despite their attempts to avoid pulling right up next
to the officer, he spotted them and ran their license number. OFFICER: Driver, go ahead, and turn off the motor.
And step outta the car for me. -Well, of course, it shows up stolen. When questioned after their arrest though,
the police discovered that they had stolen the car and stolen other license plates to avoid suspicion.
The only problem is someone else had already stolen those plates. Bummer. You just can't trust anyone anymore.
Some criminals never feel guilty for the crimes they've committed. Probably because they have an incredibly short attention
span. Our next story demonstrates the danger of forgetfulness. Diamonds are normally a girl's best friend, especially when
she doesn't have to pay for them. But when a check is stolen and passed as your own,
diamonds can be your downfall. Everyone is this story has got a lapse of memory.
When the saleswoman discovered that she had forgotten to wrap the necklace and put it in the bag,
a quick phone call to the bank clued her in to the scam. So she could hardly believe her ears
when Diamond Lil, who passed the bad check and hadn't left her the necklace, called to cuss her out.
Totally forgetting she had just committed a no-no, this dizzy dame returns to the store
to pick up her little diamond bauble that she'd written the bad check for. What the dummy didn't know was that the clerk had called
the cops, and they were there waiting. -Hi. I'm back. -I left this in your safety box.
-How are you? -Sorry about that. -Well, luckily, I didn't go too far. -Yeah. At least have it like that.
-So you're gonna give me a better price on the necklace then? That's great. -No, don't think so.
Officer? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): She didn't get her necklace though, but all's not lost.
She's now wearing fashionable, new, matching steel alloy bracelets, compliments of the police department.
If you're arrested, the police always offer you one phone call to get in contact with a family
member, attorney, or a friend. This next deluded dialer decided that there was only one way
to get the help he needed. After being arrested for public intoxication one night,
this man was placed in the holding pen and told he could make one call. The guy waits until the officer leaves and then quickly picks
up the phone and appears to be very distraught. He immediately hung up when the officer
came back into the room. None of this appeared to be unusual in any way. However, it's who he called that takes the cake.
-You've gotta help me. I'm being held captive against my will. There's-- there's people all around me.
You know me. No, don't you know my address? I can't tell you. I can't tell you. There's people all around here.
They're gonna hear me. You gotta understand. You've gotta come my way. I've been taken against my will.
I need your help. Look, I gotta go. Sorry. -As a last hope, he had dialed 911, which traced the call
and found out that it was coming from within their own building. Hello? The dispatcher came downstairs and checked.
Yep. Sure enough, he was being held against his will. -Freeze. Drop the remote. -You know, sometimes there are just certain tip-offs
that you might not be getting that special job you applied for. Maybe the interview didn't go well.
Could be there were stronger candidates, or perhaps you decided to rob the joint.
A Dallas police officer and her partner were responding to a robbery in progress call, when they
spotted a suspect just outside the store. -I need to talk to you for a minute. -Let's talk.
-What are you doing? -Nothing. -Where you coming from? -Nowhere. -All right. -Who sent you?
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Too bad for the runaway robber. He already had a permanent record on file
with this particular store. -That's him. That's the guy who took the money. ROBBER: I've never seen you before in my life.
-What? You were just in here a couple-- -I don't even know who you are. OFFICER: Are you sure? SHOPKEEPER: Hold on.
Hold on. -Prove it, huh? -How much money do you have? -I dunno. -You dunno? -I dunno how much money I got.
-All this yours? -Yeah, it's mine. What do you mean? It's in my pockets, isn't it?
-Look right here. It's his application. He filled out an application to work here.
ROBBER: Yeah, prove it. Prove it, punk. -I can prove it, buddy. Right there. ROBBER: Aw, damn.
-It's his driver's license. -This suspect was immediately arrested, and as for his job application, that
went into the permanent file at the county jail. This high speed chase ended up with more than a tire
blowing on the freeway. A man had robbed a local bank and started a long high speed
chase on the nearby freeway. However, his getaway car wasn't prepared for a cross country
crusade, and he soon blew a tire, forcing our reckless robber to alter his flight to a footrace.
And he's off across the freeway. And he's attempting to scale a nearby fence with Olympic grace, however, his dismount was less than perfect,
which caused him to release his fistful of dollars high into the wind. The judges were not swayed.
This was not the Kerri Strug of dumb crime. He was quickly caught, disqualified and banned
from future freeway competitions. We hope that you've learned one thing from this show.
You can lead a criminal to water, but you can't make him think. We'll see you next week on America's Dumbest Criminals.
NARRATOR: Don't forget to watch these incredibly dumb stories on next week's episode of America's Dumbest Criminals.
-Well, what's all this white stuff? -Where? NARRATOR: A scratch and sniff greeting in--
Serenading the jury in-- A woman makes a deposit in-- A locked out loser in-- These stories
and more on next week's-- [phone rings] -We're funny. What about you? -Look, it's a southern Southern Funeral.
-That's a really neat-- -Next story. -Daniel, here's a story about a California counterfeit-- fedder-- counterfeeter.
You have to say it that way. -He was Swedish? -He was Swedish. Folks, this is comedy at the spur of the moment.
-Yes. -There's nothing like sunbathing in a frosted forest. It's alive! NARRATOR: How about that that tooth?

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," we'll meet delinquents that think they're "Out of the Frying Pan," "Towing Nowhere Fast," one who is a "Starving Stooge," a total "Incompetent" and someone "Always on the Job."

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode highlights ridiculous criminal antics, including a high-speed chase and a frying pan robbery.

Key points

Texas Woman's Tinted Windows. A Texas woman insists on proof of a tinted window violation, leading to a ticket.
Prostitute Propositions Cop. A prostitute warns about a cop who looks just like the officer she's talking to.
Evil Twin Alibi. A robber claims his evil twin committed the crime, but his story raises questions.
The Case of the Good ID. A man shows his ID to police, only to be arrested for warrants.
High-Speed Chase Ends in Disaster. A bank robber's getaway turns chaotic as he blows a tire and flees on foot.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it.

A stubborn Texas woman insists on a written warning from an officer.

3:03WatchFeb 17, 2022

Tension

45/ 100Some tension

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