America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 1, Episode 16 - He Can't Run - Full Episode | Forensic Files

NARRATOR: This is an ADC Warning. The crimes you are about to see are true. Only the names were changed to protect the ignorant.
[theme music] Tonight, you'll meet a dumb criminal who can hide, but he can't run.
A dumb criminal who becomes the Houdini of dumb crime, and a guy that gets put on the beat cycle at the laundromat.
These and more tonight on "America's Dumbest Criminals." -Welcome to "America's Dumbest Criminals."
I'm Daniel Butler. We visited many of America's greatest cities in our mobile crime unit seeking the smallest minds in crime.
And you're about to meet the ones who didn't get away as we open the files on America's dumbest criminals.
NARRATOR: Now Clarke Paris of Las Vegas tells how small minds can get into big trouble
in "Over the Plead Limit." CLARKE PARIS: I'd stopped a car for speeding in a school
zone which is a hefty fine here, and the person starts arguing with me, "I wasn't speeding."
I said, well I'm not going to argue with you. Give me your stuff, and I'm going to write the ticket.
"No, I wasn't speeding, you have someone else." And I explained, there's no one else on the road, it's you.
So I can of got in this argument. And then my dispatcher comes on the radio and says,
are you clear, 411? Meaning this vehicle's a stolen vehicle. I had a felony vehicle and out comes the gun, I said,
-Freeze! -Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Put your hands up. -All right, I was speeding. I was speeding.
Whatever you say-- -Then the person's like, OK, OK, I was speeding, whatever you say.
I was speeding. But it's is just kind of funny because they actually thought I pulled my gun because they were arguing
over the speeding, because they didn't understand the radio traffic that it was a stolen car.
NARRATOR: ADC Quiz Number 22. On any Kentucky highway it is illegal for women to wear,
A. A swimsuit, B. A white suit, string tie and a goatee, or C. Tattoos depicting Old Testament scenes.
The correct answer is A. A swimsuit. However, it was legal for a group of men and women
to rotate in their underwear. Next, Roy Williams of Birmingham remembers some pinheads who
built their own jailhouse in, "Ladder-way Hain't." -I was checking the doctor's office.
It was in an older house, great, big older house, and I could hear somebody in the place talking.
So I peeped through the window, and I could say six individuals in the doctor's office.
Inside this-- this old house. Had steel bars on all the doors and all the windows.
Well, I noticed that there was a ladder on the side of the house, and I pull the ladder down.
What had happened, the burglars had crawled on top of the house, knocked a hole in it,
dropped down inside. They left their ladder on the outside. They had no way to get out.
They dropped down like in the fishbowl and couldn't get back out. And that was funny too.
Now that's-- that's a dumb criminal for you. NARRATOR: We've shown you a lot of dumb criminals
on actual surveillance cam video. But tonight we'd like to honor one of the victims dumb crime.
Herman the Robo-deer. Here, Herman the Robo-deer is placed by fish and wildlife officers right in the light the fire once again.
On the front lines against bubbas with guns and trucks. You see, it's against the law to shoot a deer from a vehicle,
but there's just something about Herman the Robo-deer that these bubbas can't resist.
Is it his big brown eyes? Is it that lovely brown coat of his? Is it those jaunty antlers?
I don't know, but the bubbas just can't help plugging Herman. Fish and wildlife officers close in and bust the bubbas.
But Herman, he's still standing. What a Robo-deer. While on patrol one night, Marshall Larry Harkins
of Little Rock was flagged down by a man who had been beaten up. The man told him that he didn't see his assailant,
but that the beating had occurred in the laundromat. Earlier that night our victim had committed a dumb crime.
-Check it out. It's party time. -Get out. Get out. NARRATOR: The ladies would have nothing of this flasher's game
and they did beat the hell out of him. It's just another case of open fly, case clothed.
Later, a dork and some potato chips catch some lead at the inconvenience store. -You know, steering the mobile crime unit through the forest
of the Smoky Mountains, we thought Knoxville, Tennessee just might be the place where dumb criminals were
hard to find. We were wrong. NARRATOR: Officer Glenn Biggs of Knoxville can't forget the lamebrain tale of, "You're Getting Warmer."
-We have a well-known burglar. We've been trying to get him for quite some time in a sting operation.
So he comes in one day and we'd instructed a buy-man to try to get information from him about the property
so we could prove he'd stolen it later that day. So this guy's wearing a pair of overalls
and he's standing there pulling the overalls and he says to him, -I mean, we both know this things stolen, right?
-Not exactly. -Are the owners going to come looking for it? -Not any time soon. -Now is this thing hot or what?
-And he goes [clears throat] Well, it ain't hot yet, because it don't know it's gone.
-What did we say, $45? -$60. -$60, all right. NARRATOR: In Tennessee, it used to be against the law for women
to drive cars without warning other motorists. Especially, if two women were driving the same car.
Now, a chowderhead gets really unlucky at the inconvenience store. -We have a convenience store in our city
that most people that live in this area know that if you up there and try and rob it, nine times
out ten that you're probably going to be shot as a result of it. The store owners are very protective.
We had a robbery go down there one night. And the individual that robbed the store the clerk
shot at him several times, and when we questioned the clerk he said, I feel sure I hit him.
And we knew that it had to be somebody from out of town because most of the people that live in this area
know you don't go there and rob that store. So we set out our BOLOs to the surrounding areas
that if any hospital received any gunshot victims, we'd like to know about it. So we received a call from one of our neighboring cities.
They advised us that they had an individual that was in the hospital and he had been shot several times.
So I go down there to interview him, and in the hospital room when I'm talking with the individual
he says, I don't mind telling you about it at all because it was totally unfair.
-It just wasn't fair. I've done this kind of thing before and it just didn't go down that way.
It just wasn't fair. POLICE OFFICER: I said, didn't you have a gun? Didn't you go in there to rob them?
He said, yeah, I did. but he said, the only thing I got out of my mouth was this is a rob-- he said, I didn't get to finish robbery.
I didn't even get my gun out of the pocket before the clerk started shooting at me.
-This is a rob-- [gunshot] [gunshot] NARRATOR: What he should have said was, this is a mistake.
Or, do you know any good hospitals nearby? The robber survived, but several bags of chips
were fatally wounded. -And he said, that's not the way it's done, you know, at least I could have said, this is a robbery
and showed him my gun, and then if he wanted to do that. But he felt like the clerk did him an injustice because we
opened fire on him before you got his little spiel out. -It's not done that way.
It's not fair, I tell you. There's got to be laws. NARRATOR: And now, we take you inside the courtroom
for Trial and Error. From actual transcripts, an airhead gets deflated in, "This is a Holdup."
-You say my client handed you a forged check at the bank. What did you do then? -I telephoned the person whose check it was.
Then I copied the check. Then I faxed the check to the person. And when the person said it wasn't their signature,
I called the police. -And why do you think my client would have waited all that time?
-Because when he gave me the forged check, for identification, he also gave me driver's license.
NARRATOR: Stay tuned for more true stories of bad choices. Like, "He Can Hide, but He Can't Run,"
on "America's Dumbest Criminals." You know, the open highway is where you'll find the American dream.
It's also where you'll find some of the dumbest knotheads in the land out they're exercising
their god-given right to be arrested. NARRATOR: Next, Jason Beebe recalls a motorcycle
rider who ran afoul of the law. -OK, I remember receiving a call to an accident involving
a motorcycle, single vehicle accident. When I got to the scene, there was feathers all over the road
with the motorcycle laying in the road and the driver of the motorcycle. He was wearing a real heavy jacket and um,
I asked him what happened. You know, common sense dictates that he was going too fast through the curves.
Well, his version of the story was that he hit a chicken on his motorcycle and that's where the feathers came from.
-It was a chicken. -A chicken? -Yes, sir. Uh, two, two-- three chickens. -Two or three chickens?
-Yes, sir. -Two or three chickens-- -Yes, sir. The chicken coming against the traffic there,
and it was just-- it was just a horrible thing. -As I said, he was wearing a real heavy jacket.
It was a goose down jacket. And when he hit the road, the pavement ripped this jacket open, and the feathers went everywhere.
But imaginary chicken comes out there and hits him. NARRATOR: Now, actual hidden surveillance cam
footage of an above average crime. Here we see our dumb criminal. He's doing a drug deal there.
The hat is off. The drug deal is done. The officers are closing in. Now, the dumb criminal flicks the drugs
to right at the arresting officer. Now he flashes his innocent smile. Who me? Now he appears to make himself look larger to scare away
the four men with loaded weapons. Let's see that again on instant slo-mo replay.
There he flicks the drug, almost hitting the officer. The officer has him out of the car.
There's the innocent smile. And now he's going to appear to become larger. Is he five feet tall?
Is he six feet tall? No, he's seven and a half feet tall. But I think he can kiss that basketball scholarship goodbye.
Unless of course, he's going to the SEC. And now a man a head so hollow, it echoed in "He Can Hide,
but He Can't Run." One Friday night local troublemaker, Terry Jarnigan, tried to pick up another man's wife, started a fight
and was the first one out the door when the police arrived. Hiding in the first car he came to,
Terry listened to the patrons as they were placed under arrest and walked right past the car he hiding in.
-That's my hand you're opening the door with. I didn't do-- Terry Ja-- Terry Jarnigan's
the one who started this. He's the one you have-- -Anyone seen Terry Jarnigan? -You got to arrest him, man, he was hitting on my wife.
POLICE OFFICER: Follow us to the station. NARRATOR: As the irate husband was asked to drive back
to the station in his own car because of overcrowding, he discovered a stowaway.
-You little jerk. You come here, you pencil neck. You hit on my wife. -I didn't touch your wife, man.
NARRATOR: Terry was charged with inciting a riot, an illegal trespass for entering the man's car,
and he was held overnight in the same cell with his new friends. In Pennsylvania, it used to be against the law for a car
to drive on the road where horses are pulling a wagon. However, it was legal to drive where people
would training for the Iditarod. Now, a hapless husband in, "Lovin' in Fifteen Minutes."
Late one night in Duncan, Mississippi, Officer Rusty Martin was heading home for some much-deserved rest when he saw
headlights speeding up behind his patrol car Officer Martin clocked the car at 65 miles an hour,
and pulled the driver over. He needed a little chuckle so he agreed to let the man off
if he'd never heard his excuse. -And I got a little down, I stayed too long. My wife called about 20 minutes ago, said,
I got to get to the house. I'm going to miss out on all the action. She said, she was going to start without me
if I don't get there. I ain't got but five minutes. NARRATOR: Officer Martin realize the man wasn't kidding,
and the officer had to admit, he'd never heard that one before. -All right, all right.
Just keep it under 50, OK? -Thank you, officer. Hey, I appreciate you helping. Thank you, thank you.
NARRATOR: When he saw the man speed off, he knew he wasn't kidding. Next, Detective Anthony Lewis arrives
at the bank in time for an unexpected transaction. -I got paid the day before but I hadn't cashed my check.
So I decided to go to the bank before I came to the police department and cash my check.
I parked my car, and as I'm walking into the bank, the bank employees hollered at me, "Tony, grab this guy."
He's walking across the parking lot. I ran up behind the guy. I grabbed him. I said, I'm a police officer.
They want you back in the bank. I just thought he had been creating a disturbance
or maybe he had tried to pass a bad check. At that time, the tones went off on my radio,
advising me they'd just had bank robbery. I grabbed the guy, threw him up against the wall,
told him he was under arrest. Finally, I was able to tell them that I had him in custody.
NARRATOR: This had to be the fastest bank robbery apprehension in history. Let's see it one want more time.
Here's Detective Lewis just bringing the man back to the bank. And there he is apprehending the man
for bank robbery in record time. -And the dispatcher said, boy that was fast. NARRATOR: In Illinois, it used to be against the law
for a conductor to take up tickets without wearing his hat. A bare-headed conductor would drive the women wild.
NARRATOR: Now, an undercover officer shows some loudmouth criminals how to button it.
-I was working undercover with an officer. This guy flags us down, we pull over.
He said, how about some crack and-- and a couple girls? And we said, fine. So we go with the guy, he takes us to this location.
He gets out. He gets us the drugs. Me and my partner walk into the motel, we're expecting these two prostitutes in there.
There's three other guys in there, besides him. So they've four of the bad guys and two of the good guys.
So it's we're thinking, oh hell, what are we going to do now? So when we're trying to devise a plan, one of them
says, well, let's hit that rock you got. and I said, no I want save it because when I run out of this,
I want to get some more. Well, the other three guys, when they hear that say, we got everything you need.
All three of them started pulling crack cocaine, showing what they had and trying to get our business.
So where we had no case on them, now we got a case on all four of them. And when we identified as police officers,
they didn't know whether to run, jump out of a window, or what. Well, we didn't have a radio on.
So, I sensed they was fixing to jump out. So at that time I grab my button, and I pulled it back
and I started telling the perimeter guys-- which we didn't have anybody there with us-- just hold the perimeter,
we got everything in here secure. The guys got the drugs. They're not destroying them.
They put them out in front of us, said, hold your position until I get the place secure.
Well, we didn't even have enough handcuffs for all four of them, because my partner backed out, was able to get uh, uh,
communications to get some backup there. And then when they showed up, of course,
you can imagine how these guys felt. And basically, he just asked me, what was that button all about?
He says, you guys are really come out with some neat stuff nowadays. -Well that's all the time we have for now.
We'd like to thank the men and women of law enforcement throughout the country for their stories.
I'm Daniel Butler saying, don't be dumb. Don't break the law. We'll catch you next time on "America's Dumbest Criminals."
[theme music]

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," we'll witness a dumb criminal who can hide but he can't run, a dumb criminal who becomes the Houdini of dumb crime and a guy who gets put on the beat cycle at the laundromat.

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode highlights foolish criminals and their absurd mistakes, featuring stories from various law enforcement officers.

Key points

America's Dumbest Criminals. Meet the criminals who didn't get away with their dumb crimes.
Over the Plead Limit. Clarke Paris shares a story of a speeding ticket that escalated unexpectedly.
Ladder-way Hain't. Roy Williams recounts a hilarious tale of burglars trapped in their own heist.
Herman the Robo-deer. A decoy deer proves irresistible to hunters, leading to their arrest.
Lovin' in Fifteen Minutes. A driver speeds home for a very urgent reason, leaving the officer amused.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

Only the names were changed to protect the ignorant.

NARRATOR introduction

0:10WatchDec 2, 2021

Tension

30/ 100Low tension

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