America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 2, Episode 18 - A Soggy Suspect - Full Episode | Forensic Files

-Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
[theme music] -I got--I got-- that's not mine! That's not mine! NARRATOR: Coming up on "America's Dumbest Criminals,"
a soggy suspect leaves a trickling trail for the cops. A shifty shopper checks out with more than his receipt.
A casual crook makes a fashion faux pas. A man shoots mental blanks. -What the [bleep] were you thinking?
NARRATOR: All this and more on this week's episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
So here's your host, Daniel Butler. -Any professional wrestler knows that you always size up
your opponent before you try to take him down. However, as this surveillance footage shows,
this dumb criminal figured that his small-sized component would be an easy match.
He was wrong. Get ready to bumble. Our casual culprit came out of the ring with a classic reach
around to the register to open the cash drawer. However, our resilient register resisted nicely.
Then the frantic felon countered with a full body hug, and attempted to take our digital dynamo down.
But the register kept its core planted firmly behind the counter, and even tossed off a few high voltage
bursts, causing our stunned stooge to release it to the ground. Where he quickly grabbed some loose change,
and fled the ring. The register came out victorious. And with the help of his surveillance sister
high in the corner, was able to help police nab the nitwit. Maybe there really is such a thing as honor among thieves.
If so, someone should tell these next yahoos to make sure they're dealing with real thieves,
before they let their guard down. Two undercover narcotics officers were working
in their Texas town, when a call came in the two auto theft suspects had escaped on foot in their area.
Spotting the larcenous duo, the officers acted fast. -Hey man, check it out. You guys live around here?
-What? -You guys live around here? -No, we live on the other side of town. -Come on, man, because there's cops all around the place.
We just stole this car, you know. -Ah, yeah? -Yeah. -We just stole our car around the street.
-Hey man, I hear some sirens. Let's get out of here. Hey cool, can we dump it off at your guys' house?
-That's cool. -All right cool, hold on a second, man. Hold on. DANIEL BUTLER: Isn't it great to see crooks working together
to get a headlock, I mean, ahead? They walked right into the long arms of the law, who quickly
made the collar on this dynamic duo. -San Diego patrolman, Harold Johns, has a great story which shows that everyone makes mistakes.
But dumb criminals just seem to make them bigger, and a lot more frequently than the rest of us.
-We lost a prisoner one night. It happens. You know, they escape. I mean, we're not perfect.
The guy had the handcuffs behind him, and somehow slipped them around to the front,
and made a break for it. He was wise enough not to go home, because he knew we were going to be there, and we were.
But he wasn't smart enough to find a better place. He went to a bar, a very busy bar, a bar
that we used to hang out in. All right? And the-- and the owners, the bartenders,
the waitresses everybody knew us. Now, not only did this genius not go to the bar
and do it right. One would have expected him to go back table somewhere, and sit where it's quiet.
Get a drink, calm his nerves, figure out his game plan. He went right up, and sat down in the middle
of the bar, middle of a crowded bar. About 45 minutes after we lost the guy we get a phone call.
It's the bartender. He says, you guys missing a prisoner? Well, why? He said, I got this guy sitting at the bar
who is really strange. He said, he's going through some gymnastics to drink his beer.
He says, where one hand goes, the other hand goes right behind it. He said, what-- they just kind of look together.
He says, the guy has got to kind of inch his way to get the bar and get to the drink.
He'd kind of bend over and just kind of slurp out of the-- out of the glass. He says, maybe you guys ought to come out here.
I said, yeah. We'll be out. -Going to the laundromat is one of those trips that nobody likes to make, except for dumb criminals.
They see it as a 24-hour all-you-can-wear buffet. Luckily, this particular bleach bandit
in St. Helena, California was caught wet-handed. Shortly after responding to a theft report
at a local self-service laundromat, officers were able to locate a suspect matching
the description of the guy seen stealing clothes out of one of the washers. The officers questioned the drip who
denied having stolen anything, even though his pants were so wet that water was collecting around his feet.
He was soon identified and hung out to dry in the local jail. -You got nothing better to do with your time to hassle guys?
I told you I was just swimming. -Here's the story of a car jacker who personally pointed the police in his direction.
In National City, California a guy tried to make a family get out of their van, but as he was about to jump in, the angry driver
slammed the door on him. He ran off. And it wasn't until police showed up that they realized
that the thief was certainly missing something. -That was [inaudible]. It's horrible, unbelievable.
-Oh, my God! DANIEL BUTLER: The police contacted local emergency rooms, and ended up locating their man who
had told the hospital that he got his hand caught in a motorcycle chain. The suspect immediately confirmed
that it was his finger, until they told him that he was under arrest. Doctors pleaded with him to change his mind,
so that they could reattach the finger, but the man refused, thinking that they couldn't pin
the crime on him, if he didn't take his finger back. However, he seemed to forget that the family could still
point him out in a lineup, which they did a short while later. I'm Daniel Butler, and this is the marvelous and magnificent,
and lightly salted, Beaumont Bacon. -Ready to highlight the underachievers of the underworld, like this thief who
helped to make a smooth entrance through the roof of a drugstore in Hagerstown, Maryland.
He intended to lower himself with a rope. But did not want to injure his hands, so he coated the rope with uh-- Vaseline.
-Oh, I know-- I know where this is going. -Downhill. Needless to say, his descent was more rapid than he expected.
And he hit the shelving with such a force he was left incapacitated due to the injuries
to his back and legs. -Ouch. -The police found him shortly afterwards moaning and groaning, and surrounded by all kinds of products
from the shelves. -Yeah. It's just too bad he didn't land amongst the painkillers.
You know? I've got a story about making contact with an inanimate object, too. -Was it flying?
-No, but I bet he was. Narcotics agents driving an unmarked van in Florida were approached by a man offering rocks of cocaine.
The suspect jumped on the van's running boards, popped his head inside the van, and told the officers
to drive around the block, by which time he'd have the cocaine for them. He jumped off the running boards, took about two steps,
and ran head on into a stop sign, knocking himself out. -I just love grace under pressure.
-Don't you? -Dong! -The officers gave the suspect some time to compose himself, and returned a little while later when he greeted them
with a baggie of cocaine in one hand, and an ice pack pressed to his head in the other.
-I hope he didn't get those two confused and try to suck up a cube in his nose. -Yeah.
-They carted him off to jail empty-handed. -Yeah, and empty-headed. And once again it's time for this week's-
-Vidiot of the Week! -Every year, the town of Union City, Michigan honors the noble bottom feeder, the carp, with a fish rodeo.
-Yahoo! -Yeah. Officers working security at the festival found a man lying in the middle of the street.
The officer and his partner went up to the man to help him up. And that's when the toasted tuna came to.
He saw the badges and bolted right into the side of a parked car, knocking himself out
cold, once again in the street. The officers started towards him to help them again.
But just as they reached for him, the pickled perch comes to, and bolts off again.
-It seems like that catfish had nine lives there. -Quite definitely. But this time the tipsy trout jumps into a pickup truck.
He was still trying to get the keys into the ignition when the officers finally netted him.
-Holy mackerel! -Yeah. He might have gotten away if it had been his truck. But it turned out that he lived 500 miles away,
and he'd come to the festival on a riverboat. -And they probably sent him right back up the river,
didn't they Daniel? -You betcha. -You betcha, without a paddle and a hole in his canoe.
-Approached by an Iowa officer for questioning in a recent robbery, this powder tough panicked and took off.
NARRATOR: However, in an effort to dig the cocaine out of his pockets, our dashing dodo inadvertently undid his pants,
and bit the proverbial dust, himself. -The Davenport dick pulled him up by his belt loops,
and put a lid on this dustpan handler. -A plain-clothed department store security guard
was taking a break in front of the store one afternoon, when a woman walked over and started
telling the guard all about her life. Then she said, oh if you're planning on shoplifting here,
don't. They busted me and I've still got a warrant out on that one. She proceeded to say that she'd been having a rough week,
so a friend gave her some money to buy herself something, and some heroine to cheer her up.
Which she pulled out and showed to the speechless guard. Then she says, you know, my boyfriend says I talk too much.
And turned and entered the store. The guard followed, then ditched the woman to call the police.
When they arrived, the guard told the police which dressing room to find the woman in, and they quickly arrested her
for the warrant and drug possession. As they brought her by the security guard, the yackity woman said, oh, did they rest you too, honey.
To which the guard flashed her badge and said, no. And your boyfriend's right. You do talk too much.
What you wear says a lot about the kind of person that you are. However, as in this case, it can sometimes
say a bit more than you'd like. Our sticky-fingered felon found his way into an apartment,
and did his best to clear out all of those troublesome personal items that so many of us
carelessly leave in our homes while we're off trying to make an honest living. Luckily, a couple of witnesses were
able to identify the man in a lineup. He showed up at his arraignment sporting a fancy leather jacket
on his arm, and a smug smile on his face. But the grin quickly turned upside down
when the attorney pointed out that the clothing crook's new jacket had the victims initials plainly
printed inside. Now his wardrobe makes a more accurate statement about the kind of person he really is, a prisoner.
Your wedding is supposed to be one of the most joyous days of your life. However, this crooked couple ran into a few obstacles
on their way down the aisle. It seems that Ned and Spacey in Allegany, Tennessee
decided that they'd make a trip down to the courthouse, so that they could get hitched.
They passed a couple of large signs warning that everyone entering is subject to a search.
And proceeded happily towards the security station. They had more important things on their mind
than worrying about being searched, or what the police might find. However, after the security officer opened Ned's backpack,
he discovered a large amount of pot, nicely packaged in small bags, obviously ready for sale.
Well, the bride was definitely blushing as they cuffed her doomed groom, and escorted him off
to the special honeymoon suite down at the jail. It has a heart-shaped bunk. A retired lieutenant of the New Orleans Police Department
sent us this story about two bullets and one blank. The lieutenant and his partner had stopped
a suspicious man walking down the street. The man seemed intoxicated, so the officers decided
to pat him down for any weapons. Sure enough, they discovered a crude Saturday-night special
with a bullet lodged in the barrel. -What the hell were you thinking? -Well, I-- I figured next time I'd shoot it,
it would come out. -Really now? -Wouldn't it? -It would blow up in your face. -Nah, it would have come out when I shot it again.
DANIEL BUTLER : Despite repeated attempts, the officers just couldn't convince the fool that had he
fired the gun with the bullets still stuck in the barrel, it would have exploded in his hand.
Fortunately, his future Saturday-night specials will only involve getting to his bunk
before the bars close on his cell. Security officers at a Kmart in Michigan noticed a suspicious-looking character near the electronics
division, and watched as he suddenly developed a rather unusual growth on his back.
They apprehended him at the exit, and removed his coat so that they could diagnose his condition.
Fortunately, the unsightly growth turned out to be just a benign VCR, which was easily removed
so that the patient could recover fully back at the prison bell tower. You know that old cliche into each life
a little rain must fall? Well, it's true. And in some lives, it pours. An officer was serving an arrest warrant on a fugitive,
and left his civilian ride-along in the car. The woman who answered the door said
that the man he was looking for wasn't home. When the officer returned to his car,
his ride-along told him that while he was talking to the woman at the front door, a man had crawled out
of the window at the end of the house. And was still laying there underneath it in the rain.
-Hey you! What are you doing down there? -I'm resting. -Resting? -Yeah, I'm resting.
-Who are you? What's your name? Stand up! -Noah, do you want to get in my ark? -Yeah right.
Foiling a crime in progress is usually a welcome act of bravery. However, heroic citizens should really
make sure there is a crime in progress. In Janesville, Wisconsin an older man saw a guy leave his car running, and quickly
enter a gas station. The older man, who later admitted that he had been drinking, entered the gas station,
and claims that he thought it was being robbed. Acting quickly, he went back outside
and tried to drive way in the other guy's car. Almost heroic, except for one small detail.
The other man wasn't robbing the gas station. He was a regular customer who was buying doughnuts.
The drunken vigilante made it about 50 yards before he fell out of the car, which then ran into a utility pole.
The thick-headed thief was then arrested on suspicion of stealing a car, and has most likely ruined any chance he had
of getting a job as a valet parker. [theme music] Our next real surveillance tape from Lancaster, Pennsylvania
shows one of the most lethargic, and unprepared criminals I've seen in a long time.
He entered the highly monitored convenience store, as if he had just woken up from a nap.
Which would explain his weapon, a salad fork. And his wardrobe, a jersey with his name
printed plainly across the back. Yeah, give me all the money. I've got a fork. So don't make me use this fork.
It didn't take police long to locate the labeled loser, and put him in a place where he can hopefully catch up
on his sleep in a nice, quiet jail cell. Thanks for watching. Join us next week as we continue to highlight the lawfully
challenged losers here on "America's Dumbest Criminals." NARRATOR: On the next episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals"
a boatload of bozos toss more than their cookies in this high-speed chase. A spaced-out suspect picks the wrong day to film home movies.
A masked moron hitches the wrong ride home. -Would you step on out of the car there, pal?
NARRATOR: A mugger makes the moves on the wrong couple. The laughs just keep coming on the next episode
of "America's Dumbest Criminals." -My partner and I one night brought in a couple guys
for no big deal. I mean, it wasn't anything super spectacular. Took them downstairs in our booking area,
and had them sit on the bench. And my partners sat at the desk, and starting filling out the paperwork.
And I told the first guy, I said, I want you to stand up, and I want you to empty all your pockets up on the desk.
Put it up here nice and neat. So as he's putting stuff up there, he puts a little sandwich baggie down.
I picked it up, and looked at it. And it's some marijuana. OK? Now it's stems, and seeds, and tree bark.
I mean to get anything out of this, you'd had to have had a bonfire. And I don't even know if that would have worked.
I didn't want to be bothered with it. My partner looks at me, and he's giving me the eye.
So I turned the guy, and I said, this isn't yours, is it? I said, because if it's yours, then
I got to do something about it. Then I have to take appropriate measures and go through this.
I said, now, if you tell me it's not yours, I throw it away. And we get on with what we've got to do here.
I said, now this isn't yours is it? And his buddy has picked up on this. His buddy is sitting there going-- And I look at the guy
and I said, this isn't yours. He goes, yeah, it's mine. His buddy's eyes are rolling up in his head.
I said, no, no, no. Let me explain this again. If this is not yours, and you tell me it's not yours,
I throw it away. But if it's yours I got to arrest you. I got to add charges here.
I said now, this isn't yours, is it? He looks at me, and he looks at my partner.
And he looks at his buddy, and he turns back to me and he goes, yeah, you got me.
His buddy's dying now. OK? His buddy is like, come on. My partner stands up. He says, let me help you here.
Look at me. He says, next time the officer asks you that question I want you to look him straight in the eye,
and say, no officer. That's not mine. He says, can you do that. The guys says, yeah, I can do that.
So I said, OK. Now, this isn't yours, is it? And he looks at me and he looks at my partner.
My partner goes-- He says, no officer. It's not mine. I said, good. And his buddy died.
He was like, thank you.

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," a soggy suspect leaves a sopping trail for the cops, a shifty shopper checks out with more than his receipt, a casual crook makes a fashion faux pas and a man shoots mental blanks.

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode highlights various foolish criminal antics, including a thief with a salad fork and a couple caught with drugs at their wedding.

Key points

A Soggy Suspect. A soggy suspect leaves a trickling trail for the cops.
The Fashion Faux Pas. A casual crook makes a fashion faux pas when attempting to steal from a register.
The Wedding Day Disaster. A couple's wedding day takes a turn when the groom is arrested for drug possession.
The Salad Fork Heist. A lethargic criminal attempts a robbery with a salad fork as his weapon.
The Marijuana Confession. A suspect hilariously admits to owning a bag of worthless marijuana during an arrest.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

What the [bleep] were you thinking?

1:02WatchFeb 17, 2022

Tension

30/ 100Low tension

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