America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 2, Episode 5 - Asinine Alibis - Full Episode | Forensic Files

-Greetings, law abiding viewers. I'm Daniel Butler. And this is "America's Dumbest Criminals".
[theme music] NARRATOR: On this week's "America's Dumbest Criminals". -I'm not doing anything.
Just waiting on the bus. NARRATOR: Two lame liars in "Asinine Alibis". A chimney creep in "Santa Claus".
-Help! NARRATOR: A dangling dummy in "Swinging Single". -Wee! NARRATOR: "Diamonds are a Kid's Best Friend".
-They're not real diamonds. Take a look at them. POLICE OFFICER: Well, I believe they are.
NARRATOR: You won't want to miss this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals". -Our next story is a tragic tale of woe
as a rejected Romeo attempts to enter his girlfriend's apartment through yonder window.
DANIEL BUTLER: It seems our sad Sam was kicked to the curb by his girlfriend, who promptly locked the door behind him.
But ever the romantic, Sam decided to reenter her life from the outside in. He went to the roof, tied a fire hose around his waist,
and proceeded to make his way down the side of the building. However, the hose got.
And so did he about four floors off the ground, where he hung for a while until firefighters arrived
to rescue him from his peculiar perch. -How we doing up top? -Maybe next time he'll think twice before he goes looking
for love again from all the wrong places. When police officers interrogate dumb criminals,
their alibis are usually lies. So we call them "aliblies". And here are three of the biggest
"aliblies" we've heard this week. DANIEL BUTLER: An officer in Kansas City, Missouri
was chasing a burglary suspect when he found the man hiding in the bushes. When he asked the man what he was doing hiding in the bushes,
his reply was-- -I'm not doing anything, just waiting on the bus. -That was pretty lame.
A man in Virginia pleaded guilty to writing bad checks while awaiting trial on another bad check writing charge.
When the judge asked why he was writing so many bad checks, he said that he needed the money for therapy
to break his bad check writing habit. And now into our third and final story, two young men in their 20's were arrested
for an armed robbery that occurred in Florida. Why did they need the money? It wasn't for drugs.
It wasn't for a new car. -You guys, I got one question. What the [bleep] are you gonna do with all that money?
-Just trying to get enough money to get into the police academy. -It's usually a good day if you go to court and get out of $200
traffic ticket, huh? Unfortunately for the [inaudible], she started her celebration a little too early.
DANIEL BUTLER: In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, this woman's traffic ticket was dismissed when the officer failed to appear.
But much to her chagrin, when she walked to the stand to testify, she apparently swung her bag
over her shoulder and a package of rolling papers and a small bag of marijuana fell at the feet of two police
officers from West Palm Beach. And that, as you know, is against the law unless you live in California and have
recently stubbed your toe. -So our dizzy defendant was freeze as a bird and all set
to go home when her confounded contraband did her in. Busted by a bad bag. What's a goofy gal to do, huh?
Now an amazing story from Charlotte, Michigan involving a couple who are eyewitnesses to the theft of their own brand new car.
I have a surprise. Put your hands over your eyes. -OK. DANIEL BUTLER: Tom Jackson had gotten his wife the biggest,
best, most expensive birthday gift ever and wanted to capture the moment on video tape.
OK. Are you ready? -Yeah. OK. Open your eyes. -Oh my god. Surprise! -Honey, is that for me?
-Happy birthday, honey! You're so sweet! -Hey! Hey! Where are you guys going? [shouts]
-Hey! Get out of there! Hey! What do you guys think you're doing? Hey! Get away from there!
DANIEL BUTLER: Tom's wife called 911. And within moments, an officer was in pursuit.
The officer couldn't believe his eyes as the teens made a quick right turn into a nearby parking lot
and ran up the steps of the closest building. The juvenile detention center. -Hands up.
-Where they were quickly detained and told that their rooms were ready. -You have the right to remain seated.
-What's that? -Come on. We're ready to go. Three-- three, two, one. -Here we are again with Crimes of the Week.
I'm Daniel Butler and with me as always is Beaumont Bacon. -Hello. -Let's talk about a subject we're all familiar with.
-OK. -Money. -Yeah. -Lots of it and ill gotten. Beaumont, why don't you commence the comments
on these crimes committed in the pursuit of cash. -It is in the pursuit of cash.
-All of it. -An officer in Hyattsville, Maryland overheard this exchange between a sheriff
and his newest boarder at the county jail. What's your charge, young lady? And she replied, well, it's usually $50,
but for you, Sheriff, I'll make it $20 flat. -True story. -It is a true story. -And she probably could have gotten
it for him wholesale I bet. -I bet so. -Here's a story about two bloops going for the big bucks.
The men kidnapped a Washington Heights at gunpoint and drove him to an upstate New York motel,
forcing the man to call his family requesting a $300,000 ransom. -A lot of dough.
-The Bronx bozo sat and waited for the police to arrive with the cash, unwittingly that is,
because, you see, the man held hostage by the halfwits was ordered to tell his family exactly where the kidnappers
had taken and what room he was in. Drop off the money with them. -I guess so. But, you know, not before the same information
was given to room service. Hungry. -A little hungry. -I guess so. But the police did arrive first.
-Before the room service. -Daniel, let's focus on two more morons hoping to earn some easy money.
Now listen to this. These guys were arrested for attempted robbery with a deadly weapon.
-Mm-hm. -The Silver Lake California crooks were apprehended in the victim's apartment wearing nothing
but their underwear and an attitude. Laughing -That's it. That's it. -It's a disguise?
-I guess so. By stripping down, they hoped to fool the police into believing that they lived there.
The police-- they-- now the police would not confirm reports of dollar bills stuck in their panties.
-It could've been tips. -It could've been. It's hard when it's quarters and nickels.
Where do you put them? -It's a little more painful. -Well, let me tell you what.
It seems our money motif is gonna carry over into our Vidiot of the Week. -It certainly is, Beaumont.
You know, it's true the lines are often long at your local bank. -Yes. -But as even the dumbest criminal will tell you,
it's only lines getting to the window, not away from it, you know? It kind of makes you wonder what this blundering Baltimore
bank robber was thinking. DANIEL BUTLER: Unarmed, the man was smart enough to write a stick up note, present it to the teller.
I mean, let's give credit where credit is due. He was good up until then. Another teller then phoned in the robbery in progress.
And Officer Ty Crane, who was on foot duty just a few minutes away, received the call.
Meanwhile, back at the bank, the robber took the advice of a very obscure song by the Steve
Miller Band, "go on, take the money, and make yourself comfortable". -That's a big hit.
It was-- -Yeah, well, instead of running, you see, this man started counting his loot right there
at the little counter in the bank. All right. When Officer Crane arrived on the scene
he was about to ask which way the man ran when several employees pointed out the loitering criminal.
Crane arrested the man, who was also charged with robbing the same bank a month earlier.
-Perhaps the judge will be lenient, though, since he certainly did not flee the scene of the crime.
-Yeah, but still-- -You know, right there counting the money. -What a-- how much did he actually get?
-Well, we'll never know because when they arrested him, he lost count. -Police officers know that marijuana cultivators
go to great lengths to pamper their plants. But we have a story of a woman we took that to extremes.
DANIEL BUTLER: When an officer stopped a woman for running a red light, she immediately exited her car
and ran to his squad car. The officer instructed the woman to return to her vehicle,
but the woman refused. Now the officer knew why the woman was so nervous. He discovered a small herb garden
in the backseat of her car. There were more than half a dozen marijuana plants of at least two feet high neatly stacked in her backseat.
The woman freely admitted that the plants were hers. And when asked why she was transporting them,
she had a perfectly good horticultural answer. -That they actually grew faster when
she played them music on her car stereo. Kids, let's go for a ride. Over six months had passed since Officer Eugene Bevel had
investigated the disappearance of over $100,000 worth of diamonds at a local jewelry store
when the FBI called, having discovered an incredible number of diamonds disguised in original works of art.
-Hi. -Hi. DANIEL BUTLER: The unwitting young artist at Miss Mulberry's Daycare Center thought the pretty
sparkly eyes were just glass beads. The trail now led to Miss Mulberry. Miss Mulberry claimed that the pretty glass beads had been
donated by one of the parents of the children. One little girl's grandpa had found these pretty glass
beads in a sock in his drawer. -They're not real diamonds. Take a look at them. Well, I believe they are.
I've done quite a bit of work on this case. DANIEL BUTLER: So he gave them to his granddaughter
for school art projects which led the police to his daughter, who just happened to be an employee of the jewelry store
that was robbed over six months ago. Over 90% of the diamonds were recovered. -What about the other 10%, you ask.
Well, if you see a painting that looks like one of these, call me. I'll give you $100 for it on the spot.
-You have the right to remain seated. -Detective Dan Oberhoff tells of a San Francisco showdown
with a member of the Chain Gang. DANIEL BUTLER: He was responding to an armed robbery in progress
and approached a group of men who might be able to enlighten him as to what was going on.
-I get about 15 feet away, and this one guy comes out of the group, and he's got a bicycle chain-- about a 30
inch bicycle chain in his hand. And he's walking up to me. And he says, hey, man, give me your money.
Brace yourself. Give me your money. I want your money. Give me your wallet. I reach in, pull out my star-- big, gold star lanyard.
DANIEL BUTLER: Clue number one. -At the time I'm wearing my revolver, which is like a Dirty Harry cannon.
DANIEL BUTLER: Clue number two. -A huge, black monster cannon. So I got this gold star.
I got this big gun. I point the gun at him. I say, I'm a cop. Drop the chain. DANIEL BUTLER: Clue number three.
-And this kind of look goes over his face, and he goes-- the chain kind of comes down-- he goes,
are you really a cop? -Put them all together, and what do you get? An idiot having a near death experience.
-And the guy goes, are you really a cop? I go, look, you got a chain. I've got a gun.
Does it really matter? -Lay face down, you idiot. -Ah, dilemmas. You've just robbed a bank.
You've got bags and bags of cash sitting around the house. Now you've gotta put it somewhere.
Let's see, under the mattress? Buried in the backyard? For this bozo, the buck stopped back at the bank.
We're talking about a crook playing hockey with a warped puck, kids. DANIEL BUTLER: Our crafty crook returned to the very same bank
he had robbed a few days earlier and tried to deposit the money into his own bank account.
-How much would you like to deposit? -There's about $6,000 here. DANIEL BUTLER: Unfortunately for him, the teller
recognized the standard bank stamp printed on each bundle of cash and quickly called for assistance.
-Is there a problem? -Uh, no, no, not at all. I just need to verify it. -Yes, ma'am.
-Um, this gentleman would like to deposit this $6,000 into his account, but it's our money.
-The cops hauled him off, and he was sent to prison for six years. There was a penalty for early withdrawal.
Beaumont is out in the field where it would appear to be raining dumb criminals.
-That's right, Daniel. In a small town in the Lone Star state they literally had the criminals falling from the sky.
And we've got the proof. BEAUMONT BACON: Picture this, our flying felon had cut a hole in the roof of an electronic store.
While surveillance cameras were rolling, he proceeded to lower himself down through the hole using a ten foot length of rope.
Unfortunately, before the man reached the floor, he had reached the end of his rope.
I mean, literally. 15 feet above the floor. He dropped to the cold, hard floor and fractured his leg.
Oh, he got up and he struggled. And he drug himself over to the door, trying to make an escape.
And he ended up setting off the store alarm. Moments later, the police arrived to find the hole in the ceiling and a wallet.
Our lug nut from the sky had bounced so hard on the cement floor that his wallet popped out.
Before the officer could even call in the man's ID, 911 received a call from someone in obvious pain
only about a half a block away. When the police asked the man how he broke his leg,
he said that he broke it playing soccer alone in his bedroom at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Proving once again that a dope doesn't need that much rope to hang himself. Daniel, back to you.
-Now I'm sure that all of us have at one time picked up a few more items than we had money for while we were
shopping and we had to return something from the checkout line. But here's a dumb criminal with another solution.
DANIEL BUTLER: One of these shoppers is an inebriated college student. If you guessed the man not wearing a hat, you're right.
He had just run out of beer and common sense when we strolled into this convenience stores at one AM.
The clerk watched him carefully he selected the lowest price beer in the cooler.
Then the clerk carded the clown before he rang up the purchase only to find this guy was about $1.50 short.
Well, rather than put back one six back, this guy just decides to take a handful
of cash fro,m the register drawer. Hm. Good choice. -Later, when the cops arrived, the clerk
gave them the robber's name and address, which he had remembered from the dodo's ID.
So this dummy went from broke to busted, making him an I-D-I-O-T. -Go back to the couch and assume the position.
-Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. Let's check out a wacky California woman
who found that out the hard way. -Daniel, let me give you a little background story.
This gal got into a fight at a party. She was one of the guests at this party. What women get into-- how do you get
into a fight at a dinner party? This woman-- apparently there was a lot of cat scratching,
and pulling of hair, throwing of vases. Anyway, the woman was arrested and was taken to jail.
BEAUMONT BACON: So when she comes to appear in front of the judge, she is wearing one of those real cute
little county orange uniforms. She appears in front of the judge. And the judge, like I said, fines her $100
and asks the woman, excuse me, ma'am, you got anything you want to say? Got anything you want to add to that?
And the woman's so sarcastic. This tells you-- she's almost off the hook. Retorts to the judge, oh, yes, you
know what, I really like this outfit. Can I keep it as a souvenir? Well, the judge did not appreciate the sarcasm one bit.
She said, listen here, little missy. Since you like it so much, just for that I'm gonna let
you spend another 60 days in jail wearing it. And the woman, she did wear it. And she looks fabulous.
-Poor woman. She kicked and screamed all the way to the slammer. But at least she's got something real pretty to wear.
Twas a hot light in August and all through the house not a creature was stirring except for his house.
DANIEL BUTLER: The burglar was stuck in the chimney right there with visions of rescue crews pumping him air.
Then from outside the brick, there came such a clatter as teams showed up to see what was the matter.
Some sledge hammers, and jackhammers, and crow bars for fixing, with medics, and firefighters,
and police officers mixing. And when they were finished, without a doubt, they plopped him on a gurney and carried him out.
Then the ambulance flashed and sped out of sight, taking one more idiot off our streets that good night.
Thanks for tuning into "America's Dumbest Criminals" where dumb criminals always seem to be tuning out.
For Beaumont Bacon and the rest of the ADC team, we'll see you next week on "America's Dumbest Criminals".
NARRATOR: Next week on "America's Dumbest Criminals", the case of a stuffed turkey, "Swamp Things," a taunting car
robber, and a couple of professional safe quackers. -Hey! Hey! NARRATOR: All this and more next week
on "America's Dumbest Criminals". -[inaudible]. -Can you say without closing your mouth? [mumbling]
-[mumbling] -It's close. Pretty good. -[mumbling] -It's a gift. -It was a gift. -Work on it.
Ugh. Beaumont? Oh, Off the broken glass on the empty display window and the still ringing alarm.
Beaumont? --local bank. But is he-- is he-- Yes, sir. Scream -Honey, there's something right here.
You want me to get it? Oh. -[french]. Two officers. -And he replied. Sir, is this your car?
-Now you listen to me. When you talk-- -I've had just about enough-- -I don't want you talking to Ken.
OK? -You know what-- -OK? -I've had-- I'm just about up to here. Just so you know, I make more than you.
-Line of cars. Car, line of cars. [laughing] Yeah. A real [inaudible] at the jail waiting to visit.
-I'm so sorry about-- -So-- -Oh, I am so sorry. Thank you for-- -They type them big like that for emphasis.
I don't know. But it was sort of a Paul Harvey-esque thing. -Good day. -But still, no.
-Good day. -The rest of the story. Page two. -Why, yes it was. I'm speaking in tongues.
-Maybe a comet. A comet. Maybe a comet. Go ahead. Thank you. It was the mic experience.
During one of your stories, though.

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," offenders use "Asinine Alibis," try on "Santa Clogs," reveal that they're a "Swinging Single" and remind you "Diamonds are a Kid's Best Friend."

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode features ridiculous criminal antics, including a failed rescue, absurd alibis, and a bank robber who tried to deposit stolen cash.

Key points

Diamonds are a Kid's Best Friend. A little girl unknowingly helps recover stolen diamonds.
Asinine Alibis. Two lame liars claim innocence while waiting for a bus.
Busted by a Bad Bag. A woman accidentally reveals her contraband in court.
Surprise Birthday Gift. A husband surprises his wife with a new car, only to have it stolen immediately.
The Flying Felon. A criminal falls from the sky while attempting to rob a store.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

I'm not doing anything, just waiting on the bus.

A burglary suspect's lame excuse.

2:18WatchFeb 17, 2022

Tension

30/ 100Low tension

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