America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 2, Episode 1 - Sticking to the Job - Full Episode | Forensic Files

-Greetings law-abiding viewers. I'm Daniel Butler, and this is "America's Dumbest Criminals."
[music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: On this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals"-- "Sticking to the Job," "Naked Brunch,"
"Locked-in Loser," "Beer Bust on the Road," "Hickie Hold-up," "A Tip of the Dunce Cap," and "Potty Mouth."
On "America's Dumbest Criminals." -In the next half hour you will witness criminal acts
of stupidity unlike anything you've ever imagined. And the funny part is it's all true.
Take our first case-- dealing with the hungry hoser who wanted to have a naked brunch.
-Opening his Stagecoach Restaurant at 6:00 AM, Mr. Gurnot Trolf had a rude awakening.
Apparently a former employee decided to break in for a late night snack. MR. TROLF: I was in the office.
I turned around because I heard "help, help!" I froze. It was funny. -If he thought the voice was funny,
you wouldn't believe what Gurnot found in the kitchen. MR. TROLF: Nothing but broken plates on the floor,
and then I looked up. There was a naked man hanging down here right on top of the grill.
I said, oh, you were trying to burglarize me. "No, no-- give me some water." DANIEL BUTLER: Trolf had a serious man and moon problem.
-I called 911 and told them, look, this is Stagecoach, and I've got a naked man hanging out
from the ceiling of my kitchen. They said "no no no, that's not true." -The man came dressed for dinner and entered from the roof
through and exhaust vent, but he could not get through because there was a steel crossbeam that stopped him.
-Ouch! Trying to wriggle back up to freedom his pants came off and then he slid back down.
MR. TROLF: It must have hurt like hell. They finally believed me and sent a deputy over here.
He got here, came inside, and, uh, saw this guy from the waist on down naked hanging there, ran out again.
I said, what happened? About two seconds later he was back with a camera and took a picture.
DANIEL BUTLER: Meanwhile, local DJs had Gurnot provide live coverage on the radio.
-They were asking me if I knew what religion he was-- if he was Jewish or not. DANIEL BUTLER: The dumb criminal was rescued and arrested
while Gurnot served coffee and tea, because he certainly couldn't turn the grill on.
-Otherwise we would have had the proverbial roasted rump. -You know, some people like to keep it all in the family.
But for this no account back bandit, he liked keeping it all in his checkbook. This is the tale of a bank that boxed the bad guy in.
-Daniel, this story may seem complicated, but just go with me here. A man is using his cousin's identification
to make withdrawals from his cousin's bank account. Now he is successful at first, but the bank
is catching onto him, so that the next time the man comes to the bank, the bank is prepared for him.
He comes up using the false identification. The manager sees that and locks all the doors in the bank
so that the man is trapped. He is a loser. He is not going anywhere in this bank.
So they catch onto him, call the police, and the police confront him about it. Even when he was confronted by his cousin
at the bank about taking money out of his account, the man denied it. MAN 1: Stealing my money?
MR. TROLF: It's mine. It's mine. MAN 1: So are you sick in the head or something?
MAN 2: It's my money. It's my money. BEAUMONT BACON: Well I guess there won't be any happy family
reunions for this family any time soon. Daniel, back to you. -In Great Britain there are so-called soccer hooligans.
In Amherst, New York, lieutenant Stephen McGonigal tells us of a couple of hockey hooligans
who picked the wrong time and place to cut loose. The lieutenant and his partner were on their way
to a stake out with two steaming cups of hot joe along for the ride. They then came across a vehicle creating a disturbance.
OFFICER: Oh, wow. Look at this bunch of idiots. -Can you believe these guys. [yelling]
OFFICER: Oh [bleep]. DANIEL BUTLER: Intoxicated and evidently still celebrating the game, one of the hooligans tossed
a full beer bottle into the air. We know he was drunk or the beer bottle wouldn't have been full.
Unfortunately for the frothy fanatics, the bottle made a big splash with the police,
and they were sent off to the proverbial penalty box. Yes, police officers are here to protect and serve us.
But some dumb criminals have been taking that "serve" part at face value. MAN: Are you in there?
DANIEL BUTLER: Saint Louis, Missouri-- a male driver pulled up to an intercom and ordered a burger.
MAN: Can I get a cheeseburger and some onion rings, please? DANIEL BUTLER: But the service wasn't up to snuff
and he became impatient. But there was a pretty good reason. OFFICER: What are you doing?
MAN: I'm trying to order a cheeseburger and some onion rings. Do I want onion rings?
Yeah-- yeah, a cheeseburger and some onion rings. That'll do it. OFFICER: Step out of the vehicle, sir.
MAN: Oh, excuse me? OFFICER: Step out of the vehicle. MAN: How are you doing, Officer?
Is there a problem here? OFFICER: Just step out of the vehicle. [inaudible]. MAN: How are you doing?
OFFICER: OK. MAN: What are you doing? Are you-- OFFICER: Put your hands on the hood.
MAN: Are you arresting me for ordering a-- for ordering a cheeseburger? OFFICER: Give me your arm.
Didn't you realize it was a police station? MAN: Oh, man! Come on, I know Jack, man!
-Yes, contrary to popular belief, police stations don't serve fast food, drive-through or sit-down.
So there was no "happy meal" for this hungry dope who tried to order food from a police station intercom
and was arrested for drunk driving and driving without a license-- or a brain. He's now chowing down on an "unhappy meal."
You've heard about people pouring sugar in someone's gas tank? Well this siphoning story is from the opposite end
of the spectrum. Even though it stinks, those on the scene have probably gotten a lot of mileage from it.
Let's take a look. Using a section of garden hose, a teenage delinquent from Bellingham, Washington, crept up to a mobile home
late one night and attempted to steal some gas. His technique was flawless, but his aim was atrocious.
See, instead of sticking the hose in the gas tank, our young criminal got the sewage tank instead,
which certainly takes the fun out of the "si-fun." The owner of the home heard some peculiar noises outside
and called the police. Officer Tom Umboritz found the boy at the end of an incriminating trail
where pleaded for mercy and medical attention. The "victim" refused to press charges,
saying it was the best laugh he'd ever had. Although the real victim did actually
request some punishment-- he asked for his mouth to be washed out with soap. You can tell this story to your friends,
but chances are they'll call you a potty mouth. MALE VOICEOVER: Coming up next on "America's Dumbest
Criminals"-- "New Kids in the Cruiser," "Sticking to the Job," and "Honey, I'm Home."
-Don't move. We'll be right back. -Go back to the couch and assume the position.
MALE VOICEOVER: And now, crimes of the week with Daniel Butler and Beaumont Bacon.
-Do you need a potty break? -[inaudible]. -Retired detective Jack Founds of Philadelphia
sent us this little gem. The detective was undercover, working the subway, when he was
approached by a man carrying handfuls of assorted jewelry. He claimed that he had just robbed a jewelry store
and was anxious to sell at a deep discount. Detective Founds told the man that he didn't
believe the merchandise was real. Well, the offender was offended and took the detective
back to the store that he had just robbed 10 minutes earlier and proved his point by proudly pointing out the broken glass
on the empty display window and the still ringing alarm. Beaumont? -All right, Dan, here's a developing story.
Officer Gordon Barnett responded to an alarm in his sector at a passport photo shop.
That's apparently something that's right in his area there. The robbery had taken place and Officer Barnett
was the first on the scene. When he asked the shop owner if he could describe the robber he
was told by the shop owner-- well, if you'll just wait a minute I'll-- I'll give
you his passport picture. He had just taken the picture of the man who robbed him.
Dan? -After filling out a loan application at a new car dealership, the applicant waited until the salesman
was on the phone to the bank before stealing the car he was trying to buy. The brand new vehicle was out of site
before the salesman could hang up and dial 911. Fortunately, though, all the loan information
given to the salesman by the thief was factual-- his name, his current address, his home phone, and his pager number.
The police were waiting for him when he pulled into his driveway. He said he was surprised to be arrested so quickly,
but he was shocked when he was told that his loan had been approved. -Ain't that a good feeling when your loan's approved?
-Always. -Uh-huh. Well as you know, Dan-- you know, the ADC staff has been working over time this week.
All the do is review, and review, and review all the surveillance and home videotapes
of dumb criminals in action. Of all the tapes we review, only one-- just one, this single digit right here-- was
deemed worthy of being voted Idiot of the Week. DANIEL BUTLER: This case was strange from the beginning.
A man broke into a warehouse filled with big barrels-- no safe, no cash, nothing to fence, and nothing
you could carry off. But for him it was perfect, because he wasn't there to steal anything anyway.
He was just there to sniff around. You see, our dumb criminal was a glue head, and he had just broken into a warehouse
filled with barrels of glue. He pried the top off a 55 gallon drum of airplane glue,
and within moments our boy was flying high. In one fell swoop he was inhaling more toxic fumes
than 10,000 tubes of airplane glue. Suddenly he began to lose altitude. His hands shook.
His knees buckled. He collapsed, pulling the barrel over on top of him, crashing to the warehouse floor.
Some seven hours later, when the employees of the warehouse reported for work, they discovered
our fly-boy still on the floor. He was glued to the runway. The entire contents of the barrel
had slowly engulfed him like the blob. It took police and paramedics over three hours
to chisel the man from the warehouse floor. Police are confident that the charges
of breaking and entering will stick. Any fool can steal a car, or can he? The last place a dumb criminal wants to be
is inside a police cruiser, but here's a story about two dumb criminals who couldn't wait.
A state trooper was making a routine traffic, but as he left his squad car and approached
the speeder things took a turn. Two youths jumped into his patrol car and sped off.
[tires squealing] The officer radioed in a description of his own cruiser. In an effort to turn off the still flashing lights,
one of the dumb criminals inadvertently hit the siren, and what started out as a great escape had turned into a grave mistake.
The boys were captured in a vacant lot with the lights still flashing and the siren still blaring.
They weren't hard to find. For the police, it was a simple matter of removing the two dumb criminals from the front seat
and placing them in the back. -You know Burger King says hold the pickles, hold the lettuce,
but one of their quick thinking employees in Ypsilanti, Michigan wouldn't let a dumb criminal hold the green stuff
until he ordered it properly. Let's check in with Beaumont now to see what's being served.
-Daniel, the stories just crazier around here. Seems that this next one is a greasy tale about a Michigan
man who wanted to start his day off right a little breakfast burglary. So he hits a fast food chain to order some breakfast,
but really he's ordering the green stuff. -Give me all your money! BEAUMONT BACON: And the person won't open the register
until the guy orders something. So he orders onion rings. Well, like most fast food chains,
they don't serve onion rings until after 11:00 AM. Needless to say he got frustrated and left.
Daniel, the next order he gives is order in the court by Judge Whopper. [laughing]
Back to you, Daniel. -All right, let's see if we can understand the logic of this next blister brain.
You're driving along in your van and the cop pulls up behind you signalling you to pull over.
Now having a guilty conscience for one reason or another, you immediately feel the need to flee.
Already we see a flaw in this plan. So here we have the scene from the dash-mounted camera
of the pursuing officer. Our logic-less loser is heading up the road with all haste.
But wait here comes the brain wave-- why don't I just turn left here and drive into my ex-girlfriend's place-- literally?
What was he thinking? Fortunately no one was injured. And the good thing about public detention
is you get lots of time to ponder life's little twists and turns-- and head on collisions.
You've got it locked into "America's Dumbest Criminals"-- all dumb crime all the time.
We'll be right back with these big dumb stories. MALE VOICEOVER: Coming up next on "America's Dumbest
Criminals"-- "Absolute Amateur," "Hickie Hold-up," and "Big Snack Attack." -You have the right to remain seated.
-How many dumb criminals does it take to steal a vending machine? Obviously more than these three dumballeros from Kingston,
Tennessee, who make their film debut tonight on our show. We're so proud. Seems our three stooges decided to stop by a local store
one night and grab a little snack-- machine. Although it was firmly bolted into the concrete,
our little "hine-steins" decided if they put their heads together they'd have one big empty head.
After Mr. DeMille moved in for his close-up they remembered how much success they'd
had pulling each other's fingers. Why not their legs? The one guy was having so much fun
that the other "Jerkules" decided to join in. Now, it's all about teamwork isn't it?
Don't worry folks. The vending machine was unharmed, and the Dingling Brothers' Circus
has been shut down for about five to 10 years. Our next story is unconfirmed. If you were a witness to the following crime
please contact us immediately. We don't have an arresting officer on this story,
but several of our sources have told us the same tale. An officer stopped a car with two
male occupants driving erratically. While the officer was approaching the car the passenger hatched a plan.
-Good evening. We haven't been drinking this evening, have we? -Oh no, Officer. We haven't been drinking.
In fact, we just came from an AA meeting. -OK. -In fact my friend here has got the patch on.
See? The patch. OFFICER: You've got to be kidding me. -No, no he's got the patch on.
OFFICER: Turn off the engine. MALE VOICEOVER: The judge gave the man 10 points for originality and 30 days in jail for drunk driving.
-Two important tips for dumb criminals-- don't tip your hat, and don't tip your hand.
Believe it or not, one mugger in Oakland screwed up both of these. He tipped his hand to get his hat back
and got caught, leaving him all wet. It all began with this simple street crime in Oakland, California.
A suspect was caught and placed in a police lineup for the very first time, according to Office William Britton.
WOMAN: I'm not sure really. Maybe number 3? Maybe. -I don't think she's going ID him.
MALE VOICEOVER: Everything seemed to be going smoothly for our criminal, and there was a chance
he would get away with it until-- -Officer, are we done? -Yeah, why? -I need my hat back.
-Man, how stupid can you be? -Huh? -The lady you robbed is right behind the glass.
-That's him. -It's not always easy to get a suspect to confess his crime, but sometimes it is.
-Now Daniel, the secret to a good artist's impression is detail-- a little more hair, the nose a little bit thinner,
eyes closer together, a little bit beadier until finally you go, that's it. That's perfect.
Well in this case the sketch artist had noticed something a little different. As he got closer to finishing he realized he was truly dealing
with one of America's dumbest criminals. -Now would you please describe to me explicit detail of what you saw today.
-OK well, um, the best I can do-- the guy had brown hair. It's like he parted on the side.
Sideburns to the ear, um, back of the hair looks like it may be collar length. Um, down to the neck it's a little thick perhaps,
looks like he could have been a football player at one time. Oh, he also had black sunglasses on, too.
That's about all that I saw of the man. It was really fast. BEAUMONT BACON: Well the moron manager had not only
given a description of himself, but after a little bit of questioning he confessed to the whole crime.
Daniel, if a picture paints a thousand words, how would it spell ! - D-U-M-B-- dumb?
-We'll be right back. -Freeze! Drop the remote. -You know, in every field of life
you get your professionals, and you get your complete amateurs. Now our next dumb criminal can only
be called the absolute amateur. The first mistake you make as an amateur is to pick the wrong target.
Now this genius figured he would make a killing if he ripped off a charity like the Salvation Army.
You know, an organization who collects old things nobody wants anymore. Then he showed his incredible lack of talent
by picking the lock of the outer door but not being able to pick his way through the second door.
Now as you can see from this footage of the actual event, our petty criminal was not even able to break
his way back out of the first door. And eventually he had to be rescued by the police.
I'm thinking it's time to find a new career, my friend. Because quite honestly, at this one, you stink!
The police in our next case needed all the help they could get, and thanks to our dumb criminal they got it.
-In Longmont, Colorado, a local pizzeria was robbed of over $400 by a masked female perpetrator who
had two highly noticeable hickies on her neck-- huge! This woman did not conceal them.
Anywho, this extremely popular Lolita got away with the dough, and she would have gotten away with the whole crime
except for one little bitty thing. Earlier in the day a new employee at the pizzeria
was being checked in on by a female employee whose shift he had just taken over.
He couldn't help but notice that the woman had two passion marks on her neck. The poor pizzeria guy put two and two together
and called the police, which happened to be the kiss of death for this Longmont Lolita.
As PT Barnum would say, Daniel, there's is a "pucker" born every minute. -We hope that you've learned one thing from this show.
You can lead a criminal to water, but you can't make him think. We'll see you next week on "America's Dumbest Criminals."
[music playing] MALE VOICEOVER: On the next "America's Dumbest Criminals," you will see these big dumb stories-- A crook in a car
and an unscheduled flight in "Highspeed Too." A couple of cooking crooks who crack
their own case in "Out of the Frying Pan." A getaway car that won't get away in "Towing Nowhere Fast."
A bank robber who runs into a little rush hour justice in "Trafficking and Stupidity."
These stories and more next week on "America's Dumbest Criminals." [music playing]
-Thank you. It is a Beaumont story, and I have been doing investigating on this, and this is what I've come in-- come up with.
Now let's see-- oh, don't start with me Daniel. [laughing] [music continues]

In the season premiere "America's Dumbest Criminals," we'll meet offenders who are "Sticking to the Job," enjoying "Naked Brunch," someone that becomes a "Locked-In Loser" and a total "Potty Mouth."

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

This episode highlights absurd criminal acts, including a naked burglar and a man trapped in a bank after using a fake ID.

Key points

Naked Brunch Burglar. A burglar gets stuck in a restaurant's exhaust vent while trying to steal food.
The Cousin's ID Heist. A man uses his cousin's ID to withdraw money, but gets trapped in the bank.
Fast Food Fumble. A man tries to order food from a police station drive-thru and gets arrested.
Glue Sniffer's Downfall. A man breaks into a warehouse to sniff glue but gets stuck to the floor.
Hickie Hold-up. A woman robs a pizzeria but is caught due to her visible hickies.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

And the funny part is it's all true.

Introduction to the episode's theme.

1:11WatchFeb 17, 2022

Tension

30/ 100Low tension

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