America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 2, Episode 19 - A Boatload of Bozos - Full Episode | Forensic Files

[theme music] -Hi. I'm Daniel Butler. Welcome to another edition of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
[glass breaking] [tires skidding] [tires screeching] NARRATOR: On this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals,"
a boatload of bozos toss more than their cookies in this high-speed chase. A spaced-out suspect picks the wrong day to film home movies.
-Yeah. -Ooh, yeah. NARRATOR: A masked moron hitches the wrong ride home. -Would you step on out of the car there, pal.
NARRATOR: A mugger makes the moves on the wrong couple. The laughs just keep coming on this week's episode
of "America's Dumbest Criminals." Here's your host, Daniel Butler. -Sometimes a criminal is so stupid
that you find yourself starting to feel a little sorry for them. But then the feeling quickly passes, like a bad tamale,
and you just sit back and have to laugh at someone like this guy-- [guitar playing]
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --who provided the police with all the evidence they could ask for,
with a snappy musical intro to boot. He's a-pickin', and we're a-grinnin'. This idiot had someone videotape him
while he played a little guitar in his crystal meth lab. You can see various pieces of drug paraphernalia
all around him. -Now, does the sound work too, you think? -Oh, yeah. Oh my God. Uh.
Oh, yeah. (LAUGHING) Yeah. -Yeah. -Ooh, yeah. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Then he makes sure that--
-That's wonderful. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --we can see him creating-- -Focus.
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --a fresh batch of the drug-- -Focus, focus. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --surprised
at how well it seems to be going. But probably not quite as surprised as he was when police found this tape inside a U-Haul truck
he was using to move the lab to another location. Now that's a Kodak moment I'd like to see.
[music playing] -Police officers get to hear many excuses when they stop drivers for speeding.
On this particular occasion, the officer pulled over a young lady in the Laguna Beach area.
As he approached the vehicle, he found the young occupant almost drowning in her tears.
Inquiring if she was all right-- -'Scuse me, ma'am? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --the officer
listened as she explained that her father had just suffered a heart attack, and that she was on her way to the hospital.
- --had a heart attack. I have to go to the hospital. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Feeling for her predicament--
-I need to go. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --the officer advised her that she was free to go with just a warning,
but to slow down and pay attention to her driving. -OK. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): A few days
later, the officer pulled over another vehicle for speeding, and realized that it was the same young woman
from the previous night, and again she was crying. -[sobbing] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): She then proceeded to tell him--
-What? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --the exact-- -We pulled you over-- DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --same story.
- --'cause you were speeding. -No, you don't understand. My grandfather had a heart attack.
I have to go to the hospital. I have to go. -Do you recognize me? WOMAN: No. No.
-I pulled you over the other day. -Wait, no, no. No. Wou-- would you believe he had another heart attack?
-No. -I'm sure the young lady in question is crying for a different reason now. [music playing]
-Officer Lance Young of the Roseville Police Department tells a story about a couple of dumb criminals
who should have taken a lesson from Miss Manners before they left the house that day.
-I see a vehicle approaching me, and the driver hangs his head out the window, and his left hand, and as I drive past him,
he yells as-- some indistinguishable obscenities-- -Screw you guys! You guys are--
LANCE YOUNG (VOICEOVER): --at me, and-- [bleep] LANCE YOUNG (VOICEOVER): --and gives me this, uh,
universal hand gesture. I didn't know if he was in distress or what. Tried to pull around and follow him.
He got back out onto a main street-- [tires screeching] LANCE YOUNG (VOICEOVER): --and he
lost me for a couple seconds. So I-- I checked down the main street, came back up.
He passes me again, and proceeds to do the same thing as he did, uh, back in the back street, and this time,
my curiosity is really heightened. And I could see his passenger is a little miffed at him,
like what are you doing? As I get up to the car, uh, he just instantly starts a barrage
of obscenities at me, and says I'm harassing him, and-- -Let me see your driver's license and registration, sir.
LANCE YOUNG (VOICEOVER): --he's being victimized in all this. And I just asked him, you know, simply,
why were you hailing me in this manner? And uh, he just says that Roseville cops have it out for him.
-The driver refused to show any paperwork on the car, and wouldn't open the glove compartment
because he claimed not to have the key. So the officer got a warrant and found a significant amount of drugs inside.
-At which time he proceeds to rail from the backseat that I have planted this in his car, and I'm setting him up.
Come to find out from other officers, and even other agencies, he's done the same thing to them.
So he has a history of this. And I-- you think people would learn. I don't know.
[music playing] -Minutes after hearing a broadcast on the police radio of a taxicab carjacking, an officer on his lunch hour
noticed something unusual occur. He noticed a man and a woman in the booth behind him.
He overheard the couple talking about what they were going to do with their stolen taxi.
The man suggested that they drive around town until they were flagged down, and then they could rob the customer.
At this point, the officer got up to go radio for backup. The couple also got up to leave, and as they got into the taxi
parked outside, the officer placed them under arrest. It seems to me the meter has run out for both of them,
don't you think? [music playing] -Police in Lockhart, Texas, had no suspects in the burglary
of the local feed mill, but the criminal had left a calling card, the imprint of his shoe
in the gravel outside the warehouse. But investigators got some unexpected help from the burglar himself.
Our flat-footed felon was signing out the personal effects from his 16th jail term when he struck
up a conversation with the officer on duty, who was looking at photographs of the incriminating shoe print.
The repeat robber didn't believe you could match a criminal to a crime with only footprints, and decided
to use his shoes as an example. Much to the officer's surprise, the shoe prints matched, causing the stooge to quickly
try and cover his tracks. -It's a thumbtack. You know, it's the same place as on this one here.
-I didn't wear these shoes when I broke in the feed mill. Well, see you later. -Hey--
-Whoa. -He was quickly booted back into the slammer. NARRATOR: And now, Crimes of the Weak,
with Daniel Butler and Beaumont Bacon. -I'm Daniel Butler, and this is the vibrant bon vivant,
Beaumont Bacon. -Why, thank you, Daniel. -You're welcome. A man in Syracuse, New York, was taking a walk one evening, just
a block from his house, when a young man approached and demanded money. The man didn't have any on him, and offered a solution.
BEAUMONT BACON: Like why don't you just go away? -No. Quite the opposite, actually.
He told the guy to wait for him there, and he'd run home to get his ATM card so he could get
some money, which the man agreed to. BEAUMONT BACON: You're kidding. -No. The guy got to his house and called the police,
checking periodically out of his window to see the mindless mugger waiting and waiting,
until the police pulled up a few minutes later and carted him off. Timing is everything, isn't it?
-It is. Well, this officer in Fort Madison, Iowa, encountered a woman whose timing was really off.
An officer was working traffic patrol one afternoon when he stopped a woman doing 40 in a 25 mile per hour zone.
She drove off with ticket in hand, and headed straight for the mall. -Yeah, but isn't speeding to a sale considered a valid excuse?
BEAUMONT BACON: I wish it were. -Poor woman. -Less than an hour later, he stopped the same woman
on the way back, because she was again going 40 in the same zone. When the second ticket was issued,
she said, you can't give me another ticket for the same thing. I've already gotten one today.
-Well, she must have read the Fantasy Island edition of the traffic codes, huh? -Yes, my fantasy is to become more intelligent, I think,
is what she thought. -It's a good fantasy. Which brings us to our Vidiot of the Week.
A Lexington, Kentucky, officer had just pulled a woman over for running a stop sign,
and immediately noticed a strong smell of pot as she rolled down the window. --[coughing] What are you smoking?
BEAUMONT BACON: It could've been a new kind of car deodorizer. -Yeah, essence of prison.
Yeah. Anyway, when he asked her for the evidence, she handed a joint over. -Yeah?
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Then he asked her if there was any more, and she reached down and handed him
a bag from her glove compartment. Then before he arrested her, he said, are you sure
you don't have any more? And she sheepishly-- -Well, don't touch. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --nodded and led him back
to her home to show him her private garden-- -That's your house? DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --and more
than 40 marijuana plants ready to harvest. -You've got to admire her honesty. DANIEL BUTLER: Yeah.
She went from driving time to doing time in no time. [music playing] -When it comes to dumb criminals, clothes
not only make the man, they often help the man make the crook. Here's a double dose of dumb defenses.
In Pontiac, Michigan, a man on trial for drug possession argued that he was illegally searched by the police.
-That's crazy. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The officer on the case countered that he did indeed
have just cause for the warrantless search. -It was a bulge in the suspect's jacket.
I thought it was a handgun, so I decided to search him. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): In an unprecedented admission
for a male, the suspect claimed not to have had a noticeable bulge in his pocket,
and presented a little visual evidence on his behalf. -That's crazy. Judge, you can't fit a handgun in there.
Take a look for yourself. -Very well. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Unfortunately, the judge
looked a little bit too hard, and made the gun question pointless. -Hmm. What do we have here, Mr. Smith?
-Um, that's dry-cleaning powder, Your Honor. That's what I use to dry-clean my clothes.
Seriously. I'm serious. This is dry-cleaning powder. -Book him. -The model criminal was convicted on two counts
of felony possession of narcotics, all dressed up with nowhere to go for the next five to 10 years.
[music playing] -It seems that a flighty felon in Lynn, Massachusetts, decided to make an unannounced withdrawal from a local bank.
He had just received his national bank robber commemorative kit, and was desperate to go out and make
sure that the complimentary gun, holdup note, and 100 percent cotton ski mask were all that the advertisement promised.
However, he failed to read the "You've got the cash, now what?" chapter on his handbook, as you'll see.
He managed to rob the bank without incident, and immediately ran out the front door
to his getaway-- nothing. The American bungalow had spent so much time concentrating on the actual crime
that he forgot to plan how he was going to escape. No problem. With mask still on, and a bag of money in his hand,
the quick wit attempted to hail a cab. Now you'd think that the story would end there,
with the police apprehending him as he stood waving at the curb, but something happened that gave us a new idea for a new show
of America's dumbest cab drivers. [tires screeching] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): A cabby
spots the masked man in front of the bank, waving frantically, and gives him a ride.
What was this guy thinking? Oh, he must be really hot, holding all that stolen money,
and wearing that mask. Maybe I'll get a good tip. The robber might have actually gotten away
with the help of his clueless cabby, if he had just done one little thing. He was quickly spotted by a cop--
[siren] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): --a few blocks away, sitting in the back of the cab with his mask
still on. The cab driver did get a big tip from the cop, though. If you see an armed bank robber on the corner,
don't pick him up. It's one thing to crash a party, but it's another thing entirely
to be a dumb criminal and crash a party for the police. Such was the case in Syracuse, New York.
An officer and his partner were off duty and decided to attend a birthday party at a local bar.
-[shouting] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): But before they were even able to toast a cheer to the birthday boy,
they were greeted by a less than angelic presence. The rogue robber demanded money, to which the officers replied,
we have none, and besides that, we're cops. -Gimme your money now. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): This did not
impress our birthday bash bungler-- - --back up. Take a step back. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): But the three uniformed cops
who wrestled with him to the ground did. The next time this crook crashes a party,
maybe he'll check the guest list. For his trouble, he was charged with robbery and criminal possession of a weapon.
Chances are, he won't be invited to the next little get-together. [music playing]
-Most dumb criminals get caught in dumb lies. It's who they are. But one man in Anoka County, Minnesota,
was put away for the mother of all lies, quite literally, which he had used on his welfare form.
It seems the man had been receiving benefits from the county for a very delicate "medical condition" he
claimed to have, so delicate, in fact, that it would have been impossible for him to develop it.
-When you filled out your form for the welfare application, what kind of medical co-- condition
did you claim you suffered from? -Um, I have postpartum depression. -Did you know that postpartum depression
is something that only women suffer from? -I'm a very sensitive man. -Really? -Be that as it may, the man was found guilty,
and is expecting to spend many happy trimesters in jail. [music playing] -Sometimes burglars cover their tracks
so that it seems like they vanished into thin air, but not this time. Our burglar helped himself to tools and a battery charger
on wheels, and then headed home. The officer didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out where the crook had crept off to.
He just had to follow in his footsteps. -Hi there. That your house? -My house. -This your car?
-Yeah, my car. -Your battery charger? -Yeah, yeah. -A battery charger just like this one,
on the same type of dolly, was just stolen from a service station around the corner.
-Uh. -And I followed the tracks of that dolly all the way down the street, around the corner,
up the street, up the driveway, and right into your garage. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The cops arrested the trailblazer
and returned the stolen goods. The attendant said that it was nice to have the dolly back where it belonged.
[music playing] -A Charlotte, North Carolina, woman decided to do a little gardening one afternoon
when she noticed more than just the crab grass creeping across her backyard. The woman looked out her window and saw a man run
across the yard carrying a VCR. An officer showed up, took a description, and called it in.
The video villain was spotted just a few blocks away. When the officer confronted the guy,
he denied robbing anyone, or having a VCR, for that matter. However, after the officer searched the vidiot,
he paused and ejected the VCR remote from the guy's pocket. -What we got here, man?
-It's my cell phone. -Your cell phone? -The buffoon was stopped and fast-forwarded to jail.
Here's a little story about a man and his one sweet, true love. It'll bring tears to your eyes.
In Pompano Beach, Florida, Izzy Maisner was on his walk with a friend to have dinner.
He was famous in the area for carrying a large sweet onion with him because they're easier on his stomach
than what most restaurants normally served. Suddenly a man ran up to his friend and attempted to take her purse.
Izzy came to her rescue and began pummeling the perplexed purse snatcher with his onion.
This obviously surprised the crook, who quickly jump into his car and drove away.
[tires screeching] DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): Izzy and his friend were unharmed, and continued on to dinner,
where he proceeded to eat the evidence. [music playing] -This next surveillance tape shows a boatload
of bozos who probably had some 'splaining to do when they got home. When they realized that the Coast Guard was on to them,
these drug runners decided to lighten their load a bit-- about 3,900 pounds lighter.
They dumped an estimated $140 million worth of cocaine into the ocean and headed on back
to Honduras, where we've heard that their heads have been made into a lovely set of beer steins for the local drug
lord and his friends. Whoa. [theme music] -You know, a smart crime is hard to find,
but there's no shortage of dumb criminals. See you next week on "America's Dumbest Criminals."
NARRATOR: On the next episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals." -What the hell are you doing?
You're naked. Get out. NARRATOR: A chilly willy strikes a pose. A peculiar pinhead poaches a puppy.
A sticky-fingered felon gets his day in court. A chatty Cathy expresses her innermost thoughts.
-Yeah? Yeah, well you're a stupid rotten [bleep], you are. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you're a filthy pile of [bleep] too.
NARRATOR: The laughs just keep coming on the next episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals."
-We-- we like to name our cases just for fun, and this one we called the, uh, the Robin Hood robbery.
And a guy who we had dealt with on numerous occasions, mainly for burglaries, uh, went into the lib-- main library,
had on a quiver with arrows in it, and a bow, and went up to the counter, pulled the bow back, said,
this is a stick up. The librarian came to the front counter, and the guy's arm is getting a little weak.
He's about half-- half mast now. Came back, gave him about $15, and about now, his arm was
getting sore, and uh, gave him the money, and after he walked out, they finally called us.
And so we were looking for a suspect with a bow and arrow, uh, and we found him about a half
a block away, uh, rubbing his shoulder. [theme music]

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," bozos toss more than their cookies in this high speed chase, a suspect picks the wrong day to film home movies, a moron hitches the wrong ride home and a mugger makes sly moves on the wrong couple.

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

A collection of foolish criminal stories, including a meth lab guitarist and a masked bank robber who hails a cab.

Key points

A Spaced-Out Suspect. A suspect films himself in a crystal meth lab, leading to his capture.
The Heart Attack Excuse. A young woman uses the same excuse for speeding twice, leading to a surprising twist.
The Robbery at the Party. Off-duty cops are confronted by a robber at a birthday party, leading to his arrest.
The Vidiot Arrested. A man is caught with a VCR he stole, claiming it's his cell phone.
The Robin Hood Robbery. A man attempts to rob a library with a bow and arrow, but struggles to hold it.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

Now that's a Kodak moment I'd like to see.

2:15WatchFeb 17, 2022

Tension

30/ 100Low tension

More from True Crime Files

Solve the Crime

Read a real case one clue at a time, then see how your call held up against the investigators.