America's Dumbest Criminals - Season 1, Episode 24 - Search Me - Full Episode | Forensic Files

NARRATOR: This is an ADC warning. The crimes you are about to see are true. Only the names were changed to protect the ignorant.
[theme music] DANIEL BUTLER: Tonight you'll see an unbelievably cooperative criminal, surveillance cam footage
of a casino full of dumb criminals, and some dumb criminals who have serious car trouble.
All this and more on "America's Dumbest Criminals". -Welcome to "America's Dumbest Criminals".
I'm Daniel Butler. Our constant study of the criminal mind has led us to formulate several truisms regarding
the criminal mind, such as, the buses don't go out that far and the lights are on, but nobody's home.
Join us now in scraping the poop from the shoes of justice as we open the files on America's dumbest criminals.
DANIEL BUTLER: Ed Leach and Robert Cox prevent some slime balls from slipping away in "Car Trouble".
-I was on patrol when I was checking on my drug houses. And I saw a white Datsun Station Wagon
with a primer fender and different colored doors, like it was white on one side and brown on the other side.
And I stopped. And I knew everybody who was in the car. I mean, they talked to me.
And-- -OK. Great. -We're just having a good time. -You need to get your taillight fixed, all right?
I can tell your friend's drunk here so you can take him on home. -Yeah, and get that taillight fixed.
Thanks. -All right. -Thank you, Officer Leach. ED LEACH: About three hours later, a robbery
goes out, give a description of the car, matches it to a T. I talked to the officer
who worked the actual robbery. And he told me that one of them was so drunk inside the store
that the others had to come back in the store and grab him and drag him out of the store.
So it didn't take say an hour, an hour and a half. We had them all rounded up, all charged with robbery.
And they still could not figure out how we figured out it was them. So he'd just written the driver a ticket an hour ago.
So we had the ID on him. So we knew who it belonged to and all. I remember when I went up there and picked them up.
-How did you find us so fast? I mean, what are you guys, super cops or what? -One, you gave me your driver's license.
Two, it's only a half hour show. DANIEL BUTLER: And we can do a miniseries on these idiots.
ADC quiz number 463. A crook in Missouri found himself unable to break through the ceiling of a local business.
What stopped him? Was it A, a laser alarm system, B, a concrete cross beam, Or C,
the overhead lighting in which he got tangled up? The correct answer was C. To add to his embarrassment,
there was a fashion show going on at the time. Next, a feebleminded schoolgirl finds
crime isn't all it's cracked up to be. -This was on a traffic stop. A young lady, she's on her way to school.
I pulled her over for speeding. And she couldn't show me any driver license or any ID or nothing like that.
So I said, OK, fine, then just show me your registration. She said, I don't have my registration.
And I said, well, I'm gonna look in your glove compartment. She said, you can look all over the car you want to, but you
cannot go in my globe compartment. -No. No, you can't-- you can't look in there.
-Ma'am, let me look in the glove compartment. -I know my rights. I know the law.
I watch TV. You can look anywhere in this car, but you can't look in that glove compartment.
-I said, oh, OK. No problem. So, anyway, she didn't have any ID or nothing like that.
So I automatically arrested her driver license. So then that gave me the right automatically
to go in the glove compartment cause I want to cause they're gonna tow the car. So I open the glove compartment.
It was packed with $400,000 worth of rock cocaine. -Ma'am-- -See ? I told you the registration wasn't in there.
Can I go now? DANIEL BUTLER: And now from the ADC security cam vaults. A story we call "Joker's Wild".
These dumb criminals are concentrating on robbing a casino. They are so busy with their work,
they don't notice how much noise they're making, banging drawers, knocking over chairs.
However, these patrons do notice. And they alert security that something is amiss.
At which point, the dumb criminals realize it's time to run off. Or at least fall clumsily over the front counter.
But it's too late. The Calvary has arrived in the form of a single officer, who nevertheless is enough to send the whole gang fleeing
into the waiting arms of the police outside. Ted Chamberlain remembers some kids
with leaky brain pans in "Keys to the City". -Now this kid goes up there. He's a pretty good kid.
He goes up and steals a car. It's a real nice one. It's a nice car. Kid takes off with the car, all right?
Goes and picks up his buddy, right? So the two of them-- they go to this car wash.
They wash it and everything else. It's-- I mean, they got it looking good now, OK?
And then they go riding to show everybody off this nice car they stole. Well, they want to go to this place called a hotel.
But they don't want to drive this car there cause there's a bunch of other hoodlums.
They don't want anybody to steal this thing from them. So they hide it behind a school which is close by.
They get out of the car, close the doors, and they go walking off, all right? -What have you done?
TED CHAMBERLAIN: They come back to take a ride. They locked the keys in the car.
So they said, god. So these guys call a locksmith. -There. Man, what have you-- TED CHAMBERLAIN: So in the meantime,
a cruiser looks and he sees this car. And he runs a tag. It comes back stolen. So they sit and they're watching it.
The locksmith comes up. Cop's watching. Locksmith goes over there, unlocks the car.
They pay him $30. Right. Everybody jumps in the car. The cruiser comes out, says, hey, what are you doing?
Took them off to jail. DANIEL BUTLER: Later on tonight's show, a dumb criminal who gets way too much starch.
DANIEL BUTLER: Next up, Perry Knowles recalls a guy with sticky fingers and a slimy brain.
-Another case back a few years we were having smash and grabs on drugstore burglaries, where they'd smash the front glass
out, go in with a pillowcase and coat hanger, and grab all the class one narcotics, rake it in it
and get back out. Well, it seemed like this particular gang had a little side bet going as to who had the best time.
Well, we had set up on several of the drugstores. And on this one particular one, we'd
managed to apprehend one of the individuals involved in it. Well, he had the best time going, 27 seconds from the time
he smashed the door out, get in, get the narcotics, and get back to the getaway car and get away.
Well, he didn't have any of his buddies to witness his time. The only way that his story could be substantiated
with his time, I convinced him to give us a confession. If he wanted his time known to all his buddies.
-Man. -I'll be your witness. I'll verify it. -You'll verify it? -Yes. Official document.
I'll verify it. -All right, man. -How long did it take you? -27 seconds. -27 seconds.
-27. -Fellas. Right here. 27 seconds. -What? -Yeah! Yeah! PERRY KNOWLES: He admitted to the burglary
as a result of getting his time of 27 seconds published and went to prison for it.
DANIEL BUTLER: In New York, it used to be against the law to weave while walking on a sidewalk.
But you could slip and slide and peep and hide. Next up, a dumb criminal living in fantasy land
claims she's married to the man. -All right. Back when I was working narcotics, part of my duties
was to investigate forged prescriptions at the local pharmacies. This one particular pharmacy I walked into, I showed them ID,
told them who I was. And the lady says, oh, I just talked to your wife last week.
-She was a nice lady. Very, very nice. -No. I don't-- -I think it's so nice that's she's
helping you out on the investigations. -She is. -Real nice lady. -My wife-- SCOTT MCDONA: Right away I knew something
was wrong because I wasn't married. -McDona, right? -So I was saying, well, exactly what was my wife saying?
-Well, she was asking about Doctor Cox. She was asking how to fill out a prescription.
-Uh-huh. -You know, she was over here at the side. She was hanging out, watching everything.
She's-- she knows just what to do. -Yeah. -Very nice lady. And her hair cut-- oh.
Cute. -And when they started describing the lady, I knew exactly who my wife was then.
It was a lady that I had arrested several times before for the same thing. I went out to her house, knocked on the door.
And she came to the door, oh, Officer McDona, how can I help you? -I said, well, Susan, you've been going in these--
-What you been up to? SCOTT MCDONA: --pharmacies again. -Nothing. SCOTT MCDONA: And she says, oh, no, that's not me.
That's not me. I swear it's not me. -No. -You're not using anything? SCOTT MCDONA: And I tried talking to her.
Then finally I said-- -Well, just one other thing-- -Yeah? -When is it that you and I got married?
[laughing] -You married to me? -Yeah. [laughing] -I don't think so. You really think I'd marry a cop?
-Uh-huh. -That's a really funny joke. You are so funny. -No, no, no. Come on. -And she went back to jail.
-Do we really have to get married or something? -No, we'll see a judge. DANIEL BUTLER: And now, J.R. Johnson with a story we
call "No Pets Allowed". -I did stop a guy on the traffic stop one time and ask him what his hurry was.
And he told me that his dog had to use the bathroom. I've heard the, I've got to use the bathroom
but his dog had to use the bathroom. But there was no dog in the car. [laughing]
DANIEL BUTLER: It must've been one of those invisible dogs. -Yeah. DANIEL BUTLER: Now we take you inside the courtroom
for "Trial and Error". From actual courtroom transcripts, proof that mom knows best.
-Ms. Patty, you were walking through the revolving doors just as the bank robber was running through.
Is that correct? -Yes. And I told him to stop. -And what did you do when he continued to flee?
-I said, you just wait till your father gets home, son. DANIEL BUTLER: Later tonight, a dumb criminal
who's so dumb he glows in the dark. [music playing] [music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: Next up, David Hunter
recalls a man whose cerebellum was made entirely from lunch meat. -One February night, the temperature
was about zero probably with a wind chill factor of 20 below. Been behind an old vehicle that was being
driven erratically on a rural road. He saw my police car-- saw the lights on my car
before I turned them on. And he apparently panicked. We came out of the car, faced each other
from about 20 feet away. And I said, don't even think about it. Of course, he did.
He turned, jumped into a creek, where the water was about waist high. And I watched him wade away.
Well, I knew that there was no telephone and no place where he can get inside except the lot where I was sitting
or a bar up the street. So I positioned myself to do some paperwork. About 30 minutes later, he waded out of the woods attempting
to make it to the bar where I was surveying. But his legs had frozen. His blue jeans had frozen.
-I'm freezing. I'm going in for a beer. -No, you can come with me. -You got beer in the car?
Great. Let's go. -Put your hands on the hood. -Oh! Oh, That's warm. Oh, thank you.
Oh god, thank you. DANIEL BUTLER: Nothing like the warm hood of a police car when you're iced.
Next, Dan Newman reports on a smooth operator who's got his number. -I was just in there doing paperwork.
And a guy calls up. And I knew it was long-distance. -Hello? -Hey, man. I'm looking for some drugs.
And I hear you guys can get anything. Can you get me some ephedrine. -Yeah, well, gee, look, I don't have it here with me now but I
got a couple guys who can hook me up no problem. DAN NEWMAN: I said, I'll set you up with them.
-Can we meet somewhere out in California? -And I'm like, all right. And we made a connection with him,
met him in Barstow, California, and sold him $60,000 worth of ephedrine. -Hey. Man, you got the stuff?
-Yeah, I got it. -Right. -That's what I'm looking for. All right. -You got the money?
-I got my end. -All right. Hey, man, I'm curious. How'd you get my number? -I got it off the bathroom wall.
-No kidding. -It said you're the man who can take care of everything. -Well, I sure am glad you called.
-Gotta go now. -All right, man. -Police! -Get on the ground! Get on the ground! -Let me see your hands! -Get on your legs!
-Get down! Let's go. -Get down now! -Let me see your hands, buddy. DANIEL BUTLER: In Pennsylvania, it
used to be against the law to curse on Sunday. Violators would have their mouths
washed out with waxed playing cards. Retired officer Hi Powell proves that a poor workman
blames his tools. -One time there was a fellow who was an old burglar-- a safe burglar-- here in town.
One time I saw him in his backyard practicing climbing a rope. So I kept watching him.
And I saw him load a lot of tools into his car. Later that night I happened to mark
his tools with a fluorescent pencil. I listed his name and address and that it was his property
and to call the Las Vegas Police Department. -Eddie, you broke into this place. -No, I didn't break into this building.
-These are your tools. HI POWELL: And low and behold-- -Yeah, they are. -No! No!
-Let's look and see. HI POWELL: --that night he was arrested. I put a fluorescent light on his tool
house, his hammers, and chisels. -That's your name. -Yeah, that is my name. But in the divorce my wife got the house,
the car, and all the tools. All I got was the [bleep] Crock-Pot and I can't even cook.
-There was his name and address and phone number. [laughing] DANIEL BUTLER: A Crock-Pot for a crackpot.
[music playing] [music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: Next up, a dumb criminal who literally asked for it in "Search Me".
-We were working with the narcotics unit. We were on a particular street corner checking out some of the local drug
dealers, a small group of them there. While we were out talking to them, another guy came over--
-What did you do this for? -Hey, you guys wanna search me too? PAUL HEATON: Well, normally you would think someone who offers
to be searched is probably not gonna have anything on them. A particular officer who was working with me said, OK.
So he searched him down, pulled out a bag of crack cocaine out of his pocket. [inaudible]
[inaudible] PAUL HEATON: So we arrested him. And while he was in the car, you kind of
have to ask, why did you come up to us? We were searching these guys. We weren't even talking to you.
And he said, that's the way I get along with the cops. I'm always real nice. And y'all don't harass me.
Usually the cops will, you know, treat me right. Then, too, he said, I really forgot I had that in my pocket.
[laughing] -I said, OK. [music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: In Wyoming, it used to be against the law for a woman
to drink alcohol unless she was wearing a full length barf shield. This is actual surveillance cam footage from a convenience
store which had bullet proof glass to protect the clerk. So when this man came in to rob that clerk,
he electronically locked the doors to the convenience store. But rather than waste time throwing something
through the glass or just sitting down and waiting for the police to arrive and arrest him,
our dumb criminal made good use of his time and made this breakthrough surveillance cam
dumb criminal home video aerobic workout. Doofus guarantees that if you use his [inaudible] three times
a week for 15 minutes, you'll lose at least seven inches off your waist and 10 years off your life.
To use the dumb criminal aerobic workout at home, simply lock your front door and repeat after doofus.
Run door to door. Kick it with your left leg or right leg. And then run back. Be sure and use the dead bolt.
[music playing] DANIEL BUTLER: As always, we're out of time before we're out of crime.
Our thanks to the men and women of law enforcement. Until next time, I'm Daniel Butler saying, don't be dumb.
Don't break the law. We'll catch you. Next time on "America's Dumbest Criminals".
Good night. [music playing]

In this episode of "America's Dumbest Criminals," we'll witness an unbelievably cooperative criminal, surveillance cam footage of a casino full of dumb criminals and some dumb criminals who have serious car trouble.

Crime is no laughing matter, except when the criminals are bumbling fools. Hosted by Debbie Alan and Daniel Butler, this show looks at lawbreakers through a humorous lens.

Brief Summary

Criminals make foolish mistakes leading to their capture in hilarious stories from law enforcement officers.

Key points

America's Dumbest Criminals. A showcase of hilariously foolish criminals and their blunders.
Car Trouble. A patrol officer catches a group of drunk robbers after a traffic stop.
Joker's Wild. A gang of robbers makes too much noise and gets caught.
Keys to the City. Two kids steal a car but lock the keys inside.
No Pets Allowed. A driver claims his dog needs to use the bathroom, but there's no dog.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

The crimes you are about to see are true.

NARRATOR introduces the show.

0:08WatchDec 2, 2021

Tension

40/ 100Low tension

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