Everyday Genius | Criminal Podcast | Forensic Files

[Music comes in.] Phoebe Judge: Hi, it's Phoebe. This is our last episode of 2016.
And we want to say thank you so much for listening to Criminal and coming out to live events,
and for all of your tweets and emails. We read every single one. To close out the year, we thought we'd bring you two lighter stories.
We hope you like them. We certainly had a lot of fun putting them together. So here you go.
[Music fades out.] So, what has your experience with customer service been in the past?
I mean, are you just like everyone who hates when they have to deal with this stuff?
Dave Holmes: Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely. I immediately go to the place of like, "I've done something wrong."
My credit card company calls me, even if it's good news, and I feel like I'm going to the
principal's office. I just never want to get a call from anybody in a cubicle who I don't know.
Phoebe Judge: This is Dave Holmes. You might know him from his work on MTV as a VJ in the '90s.
He's also a writer and a comedian. And earlier this year he found himself in a tricky situation.
Dave Holmes: I was behind the wheel of my car. I had gone to one of those crazy hard CrossFit classes, and I left and I was a little woozy
in the head and not quite myself. It takes a minute for you to recover and to become you again after those, like if you
really go hard. Phoebe Judge: Dave had left his phone in the car during the class, and when he looked at
it, he saw that he had missed a call from Delaware, and there was a voicemail. It was an automated call from the Internal Revenue Service about a lawsuit that was being
filed against him. [Music comes in.] Dave Holmes: And here's the thing, because as I've told you, I have a history of being
a tiny bit gullible, and to always think that I'm being called to the carpet, I was like,
"Oh, I'm in trouble." And I had been audited in the year 2000, which was a huge, bureaucratic, paperwork, crazy
nightmare. I ended up not knowing anything at all, which was great. Phoebe Judge: But when he got this call, he immediately thought, "Oh no, it's all over."
He called back terrified. And Dave says the man who answered explained that he was following up on a letter the IRS
had sent in the mail, indicating that Dave owed the government $4,500. Dave Holmes: So, I was like, "Oh, okay, well, I didn't get it," and I'm sure my voice is
like starting to get really throaty and panicky. And, I was like, "Well, I didn't get it, but oh, okay, what do I do?"
And they were like, "Well, you have to go to the bank and withdraw the money and wire
it to us today." Also they said, "We'll freeze your accounts. Also, we have a warrant out for your arrest.
We've revoked your driver's license and the police have your license plate number, and
if they see you out driving, they'll pull you over and take you to jail." [Music fades out.]
And I said, "Wait a minute. It's been my understanding..." because I have been audited, "It's my understanding that
all of your communication with me needs to take place through my tax preparer." And they're like, "Well, we called him."
And I was like, "Well, it's a her." And I was like, "Did you? Because she didn't try to get a hold of me, and I'm pretty sure she would."
And they were like, "We're going to put you on hold." And I said, "Okay." Phoebe Judge: And then, they just hung up.
And that's when Dave Holmes got an idea. [Music comes in.] I'm Phoebe Judge. This is Criminal.
Dave Holmes: So, I called back crying. I got on the phone with whoever it was who answered, who introduced himself as Eric Johnson,
Officer Eric Johnson. So I was like, "All right, this is terrific." And I said, "Tell me, what can I do?
I need to make it right. I can't go to prison. I can't go to prison. I have a family."
And he said, "Okay, I need you to calm down. What you're going to do is you're going to go to a bank, and you're going to withdraw
$4,500." The actual amount was like $4,352 or whatever, but he was just like, "Take out $4,500."
And I was like, "We should round up, right?" And he's like, "Yeah, yes, we should round up."
Phoebe Judge: Dave has taken some improv classes. He knows how to commit himself to a scene.
And he'd already gone this far. Why not give it his all and see what happens? He pulled over so he could concentrate.
[Music fades out.] Dave Holmes: So, I open and close the door and made little footstep noises.
And I did a whole thing between me and the teller. I was just like, "I'd like to withdraw $4,500."
"Yes, sir...." Just dim in the background, like, Miss Othmar from Peanuts. You know what I mean?
Not an actual trombone, just a muffled voice. And then I pretended to get back into the car.
Oh, and then I had to go to a Bank of America to deposit it into an account, and they gave
me the routing number and the account number. Phoebe Judge: Dave pretended to drive to Bank of America, and when he told Officer Eric
Johnson that he had arrived at the bank, he was put on hold. Dave Holmes: I can only imagine that he was just like, "We got one!"
Phoebe Judge: Dave said he wanted to talk to a bank teller, just to make sure there
were no issues, and Officer Johnson flipped out. Dave Holmes: "No, you can't do that.
This is a federal case, so it's illegal for you to talk about it with the bank teller."
And I was like, "Oh, that makes perfect sense. That makes perfect... Thank you so much for telling me that."
Phoebe Judge: Dave said he was about to go in and make the deposit. He was just there in his car, making more little sound effects to make it seem real.
And then he came back on the line. Dave Holmes: And I was like, "I did it. I did it.
I deposited the money." And I could just tell they were like, "This is the greatest day of our lives.
We have $4,500 from an idiot." And then another person got on, and he was like, "Okay, you made the deposit?"
And I said, "Yes. Yes, I did." And I think it was actually me. I said, "Let me read you what's on the receipt that they gave me."
And he was like, "You don't actually have to do that." And I was like, "No, I really should."
And he said, "Okay." And — can I swear? Phoebe Judge: Yeah. Dave Holmes: Okay, cool.
I was like, "I'm going to read every word. This says, 'You are the worst fucking grifters who have ever lived on the face of the earth.
This is the dumbest most transparent scam in the world. And someday, somebody is going to come at you with something like this, and you're going
to fall for it because you're fucking stupid. You're not good at scamming and you should stop.
And if one person falls for this, I hope a piano fucking falls on your head. Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.’ " And, Officer Doug or whatever said, "I am very sorry," and hung up the phone.
Phoebe Judge: Oh, really? [Music comes in.] Dave Holmes: That was it. Hung up the phone.
He actually apologized and he hung up the phone. Phoebe Judge: But that isn't all Dave did.
He was so furious, and also feeling somewhat victorious at this point, that when he got
home, he started tweeting — the whole story, 140 characters at a time. [Music ends.]
Dave Holmes: And as I did, I started to notice that people... because it was all just coming
out of me very quickly. It was in a series of 50 or so tweets, I told the whole thing.
And then I started to notice that my mentions were sort of blowing up and people were telling
other people about it. I told the whole story, and I ended it with, "Here's the number.
Be sure to talk to Officer Eric and Officer Kristen and Officer Doug, or whoever.
Let them know how you feel." Phoebe Judge: And people called the number. Some even got through.
And then the next day, the number was disconnected. Dave's last tweet was, "I'm off to the bank to report this account and routing number.
Be good to each other, my friends." [Music comes in.] This October, police raided call centers on the outskirts of Mumbai and took more than
700 people into custody for their suspected involvement in an IRS scam that involved calling
Americans and telling them that if they did not pay back taxes in the range from $500
to $60,000, the IRS would raid their home within the hour. The scam was estimated to bring in $150,000 a day, and according to the Treasury Inspector
General, nearly 7,000 victims have collectively lost more than $36 million to IRS scams since
October 2013. [Music fades out.] We encountered this next story when we went to Louisiana to report the story about Tony,
the tiger at the truck stop. We spent a few days in and around Baton Rouge collecting interviews for a few different
stories. And one of the people we met is a retired attorney who agreed to speak with us if we
agreed not to use her real name. Caroline: One day the judge called and asked me to come and stand with this person who
had been raping women from Texas to Florida, and everybody was aware of it. It was in the news and so forth.
Phoebe Judge: Caroline is 80 years old and lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where she
practiced law for many years. She didn't practice criminal law, but in small towns she says judges could ask lawyers to
step in and do whatever was needed. So the judge asked Caroline if she'd just stand with the defendant while he pled guilty.
Caroline: I said, "Judge, I'm wearing slacks." The judge didn't allow women in slacks in his courtroom.
And he said, "Well, it's okay. It's not an open court." So I went over there and I talked with this person for about an hour.
His name was Jon. [Music comes in.] Phoebe Judge: Jon Simonis pled guilty and was sentenced to multiple life sentences at
Louisiana State Penitentiary for rape, burglary, and auto theft. Decades passed.
Caroline retired from the practice of law and did some occasional work with a mental
health facility in Jackson, Louisiana, and sometimes went out to Louisiana State Penitentiary,
also known as Angola. And on one summer day when she was in her early 70s, she was making that trip to Angola
and remembered Jon Simonis. Caroline: It was a bloody hot day, it was in the summer.
It was July, August. I had a little Mazda hatchback with poor air conditioning. I was thinking on the way out there that you know, I should visit this person Jon, whom
I had stood with when he entered guilty plea in this little town. Phoebe Judge: Why would you want to visit this guy again?
Caroline: Because I felt sorry for him. No one visited him. Phoebe Judge: But when she got to the prison, she was told that she could not see Jon Simonis
or any of the inmates because there was a problem with what she was wearing. Caroline: They told me I could not go into the facility wearing this denim jacket that
I had on, and I said, "Well, why not?" And they said, "We don't let any visitors wear denim in the facility, because they may
be mistaken for inmates." [Music fades out.] Phoebe Judge: What did the denim jacket look like that you were wearing?
Can you describe it? Caroline: I can show it to you, but that's not going to help this.
Sissy Spacek wore that denim jacket in Coal Miner's Daughter. It's a J. Jill. And it has the buttons that are covered, and it's kind of loose, long sleeves.
But anyway, that was the rule, and they told me I'd have to take it off. And I said, "Well, I don't want to take it off, because I just have a T-shirt on under
here, and I'm not wearing a bra." They said, "Oh, well, you'll have to get a bra."
So I had traveled out there, it was an hour and a half in the heat, and they said, "You
can go back to Baton Rouge and get a bra," and I said, "Well, I'm not going to do that.
It's too hot, and I've already spent an hour and a half doing this." [Music comes in.]
So, they said, "Well, you can't go in unless you get a brassiere on. Because you're not going to go in in a T-shirt without a brassiere."
Phoebe Judge: Caroline continued to argue with the guards, asking them to explain what
exactly the problem was, and they said, they didn't make the rules. No one was allowed to go in wearing a denim jacket, and women could not go in without
a bra. Caroline: And they weren't going to make any exceptions to the rule when it was perfectly
obvious that there was little chance of my arousing the inmates at age 72. Phoebe Judge: Do you often not wear a bra?
Caroline: No comment. Phoebe Judge: Why didn't you just, at that point, say, "I'm going to just try another
day"? Caroline: Because it was hot. It's an hour and a half. It's not pleasant going out there.
It takes an hour and a half to get there, and then you wait and you wait and you wait.
It's not a trip that I enjoy any time of year, but especially not in July or August.
Phoebe Judge: Caroline's resourceful. She thought to herself, "Where can I find the nearest woman?"
Which wasn't going to be that easy. Angola is in the middle of nowhere, Louisiana.
But about a mile from the prison, there is a tiny post office, and she thought, "What
the hell? Maybe I can borrow a bra." [Music fades out.] Caroline: When I drove away, I thought, "Aha!
That little post office is there. I'm just going to go in and ask the post lady if she would consider that."
And I knew it was pretty outrageous, but I wanted to visit him. I feel sorry for people there.
I really do. I know they've committed all kinds of crimes, but they lead such a solitary existence.
I wanted to be sure that trip was worth what I wanted. Phoebe Judge: So, Caroline walks into the tiny post office and lo and behold, the postal
worker was in fact a woman. But she wasn't alone. Caroline: There was a man in there getting something, and she leaned toward me and she
said, "Can I help you?" And I said, "Yes, but I'll wait." So I waited until this person left and I told her my predicament.
I said, "I want to visit this person. I've come all the way in the heat, and I was wondering if you would rent me your bra for
just about an hour." And she looked at me very strangely. I think she was a little bit scared of me, because it was an unusual request.
I had explained everything, and we talked a little while, and she finally relaxed and
she said, "Okay," but she says, "I have to go back and take it off," which she did.
Came back, the bra was much too big for me, but it was a bra. Phoebe Judge: When you went back to the guard desk, when you went back to Angola with this
borrowed bra, did you look a little ridiculous in it because it was bigger? Caroline: Yes.
Phoebe Judge: You did? Caroline: Yes, but they didn't question whether I was wearing a bra.
I guess they figured that out. Phoebe Judge: Caroline went in and met with Jon Simonis for about an hour and a half.
And the woman at the post office was left there, waiting on customers with no bra because
she'd just handed it over to a 72-year-old stranger. Caroline: And when I came back, she was still there.
The post office was still open, thank goodness. I offered to pay her and she says, "Oh, no.
You're not going to pay me for that." And I said, "Well, I'm going to give you just five, so you can get a six-pack of cold beer
for your boyfriend." [Dogs bark in the background.] She was reluctant to take it, but she did.
I just left it on the counter and thanked her profusely. [Music comes in.] Phoebe Judge: I don't think I would have cooperated.
I'm trying to think if I would be a generous heart. Maybe I would say, "You know what?
Just keep it. I don't need you to come back." Caroline: Keep what? Phoebe Judge: Keep the bra.
If I had gone to all that trouble... Caroline: If you'd lent it to me, you would have said...
well, she didn't. Not everybody thinks like you. [Music ends.] Phoebe Judge: Criminal is produced by Lauren Spohrer, Nadia Wilson, and me.
Audio mix by Rob Byers. [Music comes in.] Our intern is Alice Wilder. Special thanks to Russ Henry.
Julienne Alexander makes original illustrations for each episode of Criminal. You can see them at thisiscriminal.com, where you can see our brand new T-shirt designs,
and we even have tote bags. If you'd like one of these things for a last-minute Christmas present, order now and we'll get
it in the mail to you right away. Criminal is recorded in the studios of North Carolina Public Radio, WUNC.
We're a proud member of Radiotopia from PRX, a collection of the best podcasts around.
Shows like The West Wing Weekly, a podcast about the much-loved Aaron Sorkin TV show,
The West Wing. It's co-hosted by Joshua Malina and Song Exploder's Hrishikesh Hirway.
The West Wing Weekly goes behind the scenes of each West Wing episode with special guests
and actors. It's great. And there's another new Radiotopia show, The Bugle with Andy Zaltzman, a brilliant and
funny satirical show about the week's news, hosted by Andy, with co-hosts like Wyatt Cenac
and Helen Zaltzman. Go listen. Radiotopia from PRX is supported by the Knight Foundation and Mailchimp, celebrating creativity,
chaos, and teamwork. And thanks to Adzerk for providing their ad-serving platform to Radiotopia.
Thanks very much for listening this year, and until next year, I'm Phoebe Judge.
This is Criminal. Jingle: Radiotopia. From PRX.

To close out 2016, we’re bringing you two lighter stories of people exhibiting everyday genius under. . . unusual circumstances. Comedian Dave Holmes’ story begins with an upsetting phone call from the IRS. Then we meet a Baton Rouge attorney with a story of wild resourcefulness at Louisiana State Penitentiary, also known as Angola.

A word of caution, this episode contains language that may not be suitable for everyone.

Music in the episode: “GPiano” by Podington Bear “Ritual Nine” by Jason Leonard “Parody 3” by David Szesztay “Smile From The Mirror” by David Szesztay “Silent Flock” by Blue Dot Sessions “The Face of the Thrush” by Blue Dot Sessions “Parody 2” by David Szesztay “Bye Bye” by David Szesztay “Mirabelle” by Podington Bear

Criminal is a show about people who’ve done wrong, been wronged, or gotten caught somewhere in the middle. Hosted by Phoebe Judge. Part of the Vox Media Podcast Network.

Follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. https://link.chtbl.com/n33u0HsA

Say hello on Twitter (@CriminalShow), Instagram (@criminal_podcast), and Facebook https://www.facebook.com/ThisIsCriminal/.

Sign up for our occasional newsletter, The Accomplice https://bit.ly/accomplicenewsletter.

We also make This is Love and Phoebe Reads a Mystery.

Artwork by Julienne Alexander http://www.yssrs.com/.

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Episode transcripts are posted on our website https://thisiscriminal.com/.

Episode 57 originally published 12/16/2016 https://thisiscriminal.com/episode-57-everyday-genius-12-16-2016

Brief Summary

Dave Holmes recounts a scam call experience while a retired attorney borrows a bra to visit an inmate.

Key points

Last Episode of 2016. Phoebe Judge thanks listeners and introduces lighter stories to close the year.
Dave Holmes' IRS Scam Story. Dave Holmes recounts a terrifying call from the IRS that turns into a hilarious scam.
Caroline's Bra Dilemma. Caroline's determination to visit an inmate leads to a humorous encounter at a post office.

Episode highlights

Episode quotes

I can't go to prison. I have a family.

Dave Holmes expressing his fear during the scam call.

3:44WatchDec 3, 2022

Tension

40/ 100Low tension

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